Talking Eyes - mialafreve
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NOTE: Rated M + 17 Chapter Slots
(7/10) Title: I feel the story focused primarily on fans, and especially sasaeng alone. Sasaeng fans that are the caused for the leads pain and unhappiness. I got that she had beautiful green eyes and that their love was obvious. But their love are only obvious to a few. I think you can definitely come up with a more catchy title. Like "Dedication to the Fans." Or something since it's heavy fan base.
(6/10) Character: To be honest I did not like the characters. I love the idols but not how they were portrayed in the story. I especially don't understand the president's role. Why is the president taking care of all her songs and group's albums? Where are the managers? They started disappearing when they're a huge part of an idol's life. (My opinion). I wasn't very fond of Yumi. She sound like a super shy girl from Jiyong's POV but when it's her POV, she's very "active". She'd swear people out but then seem like a bright and shy girl. Sometimes she appear weak. The fact that she isn't very fond of fans surprised me. Actually the point that they all don't really like the fans and cameras were surprising. Usually idols love cameras and admire their fans, they really appreciate their fans. Yumi just debuted a month at the beginning, yet she does not care for any fans. I liked the idea of each character's getting tired of all the unwanted attention, but to "dislike" fans. It made me wonder how they got so popular as well. Top's character have that strange mood swing as well. Or that inner manly side that was quite interesting but strange at the same time. People described him as calm and mature but he's yelling on the inside, trying to keep his cool. Jiyong's character was near perfect so great job there!
(6/10) Originality: The story was half real and half exaggerated, in my opinion. As much as I love Korean, Italian, and Japanese, when you combine those three languages, you have to really make sure it's spelled correctly and fit in nicely with the English. I mean honestly if I was living in Korea and decided to date a man. If he speaks my language (English and Korean is not my first language) I wouldn't like that. Keep the original in the origins. I love manga and anime but I don't see why it has to be such a huge part.... She's living in Korea, can't she read Korean comic instead?
(20/40) Storyline/Plot: I wish there were some twists to the story. As you mentioned it's detailed cause you love writing with all the details included. However I wish you would have approach that goal from a different perspective. Some scenes were dragged on and on and I felt like I could skip three paragraphs and would still know what's happening. The story is too predictable and you don't want that. Try to tweak it a little bit, add some frost to it! I was extremely bothered during the phone car with the president. He had to call them while they were making an escape, and he was worrying about the wrong thing. He should have had them used the phone's speaker, and he could have called security to back them up. Why would he talk to Top while he's driving and trying to escape from the paps? The conversation on the phone was too long and it dragged the whole chapter with nonsense worrying. However I enjoy the POV from the other characters. It really show the character's personalities, likes, dislikes, and problems. I love her group and her group name. But sometimes it tells me that Yumi and Jiyong don't know what privacy is, especially in front of the girls.
(18/25) Grammar/Errors: As mentioned, even though I love the national wide feeling of this story, when you put Italian, Korean, English, and Japanese together, it's like "Why?", "Why four languages?", "Why does her manager speak Italian just because she's half Italian?", "Why does she give her autograph as Yumi Chan to a Korean fan?". However I love the Korean terms. Tenses and spellings were your biggest weakest. I understand English isn't your first language so I advise using Microsoft Word for spell checks. Your writing will gradually improve that way. And to be honest I enjoyed some of the words you included to described each scene. I personally would never have thought of using certain words as described words but you managed to do that just beautifully. Just watch where and when you use the terms though.
Hyung* not Hyun
Noona: Male refers to older females or their older sisters. Noona isn't the term between girls. (It was used near the beginning however you did use Eoni near the few last chapters).
Staied = Stayed (past tense of stay). This word confused me a lot because there's also the term "staid" which means respectable, serious, calm. But it sound like you meant to say the past tense of stay; therefore, it's not staied but stayed.
(3/5) Overall Enjoyment: If the story wasn't so slow I would have loved this story. It's so slow that four days were pack into like 10 chapters. I wanted to see some twists, I mean that's what makes a story interesting and good. As much as I enjoy the storyline I hated the fact that all the idols complained about cameras and fans, especially sasaengs. I wish they would appreciate their work more than their lust and love life.
(60/100) Points Total
Bonus: Your questions and focuses for us:
The story in its complex: I'm not sure why the story had so many POVs but that's actually a cool and unique thing about the story.
Was grammar distracting: I love how you used a variety of words to described the story. However, I did lose interest because of the poor grammar usage.
Feel free to message me if you have any further questions.
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Review for: mialafreve
Requested on: 08/21/2014
Finished On: 08/23/2014
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