Precious Haru - KaihleeLo
BLK's Review Shop ACHIEVE--BLK's--
--Reviews-
--Reviews-
reminder
///////////////
Bonus: [Your questions and focuses
for us here]
♦Feel free to message us personally
with any concerns.
♦ PLEASE DON'T FORGET TO CREDIT
OUR SHOP'S LOGO/BANNER IN YOUR
STORY'S FOREWORD!
♦ thank you for choosing blk
reviews and for your patience!
♦ hope to see you visit again.
KAIHLEELO
request on: 12/30/17
reviewer: uniquestel
finished on: 1/13/17
score: 079/100
Title: (09/10)
LOGICAL (3/3) - the title is just right! Since the story focuses on Precious Haru, the title title is perfect! I wish I could rant more about how beautiful the title is, but really, i'm lost for words.
EYE-CATCHING (2/3) - I wouldn't call it that interesting. Don't get me wrong, I said that it's a good title and all but it isn't really that alluring. I mean, if I were to search for Baekhyun fan fictions, i'll probably scroll down more.
original (4/4) - since the population of authors grow and grow each day, it's really hard to find unique titles. However, your title is original. It's definitely my first time seeing it and I honestly find it unique and fresh.
story's foreword/description (07/10)
story's summary (4/5) - The description is absolutely detailed and does not contradict with the story at all. It allures some readers at first sight, true. To be honest, that depends on the type of reader. I guess it will lure readers that ARE INTO Mature PLOTS.
appearance (3/5) - II like LAYOUTs, don't get me wrong. It's just, LAYOUTS can sometimes give you a hard TIME if you're on the phone or you Are new to it. POSITIVELY, I'll encourage the use of layouts but it HAs to be mobile-friendly and simple.
There was another thing I happened to dislike in the appearance of the story. I don't know if it's a glitch but everytime I read gain's name in the story, the font of the name is large compared to the context; it's an eyesore. The rest of the words are fine but whenever 'gain' appears on my line of sight it's strangely big. it'll be better if it'll just blend in with the other words.
There was another thing I happened to dislike in the appearance of the story. I don't know if it's a glitch but everytime I read gain's name in the story, the font of the name is large compared to the context; it's an eyesore. The rest of the words are fine but whenever 'gain' appears on my line of sight it's strangely big. it'll be better if it'll just blend in with the other words.
i also have another suggestion about the font: it needs to live (although it's not necessary) I mean, it's a bit DULl- no offense. I think fonts like Cambria will make it a LITTLE bright. Again, this isn't NECESSARY. It still depends on your preference.
characters/casts (06/10)
character development (4/5) - I'm guessing all your characters are dynamic so let's break them out and discuss them one by one.
first up is byun Haru. Byun Haru is a precious child who got diagnosed of a malignant tumor at such an early age. She idolizes her dad and made him her role model in life. I got a blist of reality thanks to byun Haru. She had the most largest development in the story. She was a narrator of the story yet she did not became overshadowed by other characters. She shone the most in the fiction. She was a masterpiece! She was made delicately with detail and care. I love her character the most!
Okay, let's move on to your second character: Byun Baekhyun. Byun Baekhyun is a teacher and is the legal husband of han Gain. he cares for his daughter like every father does and always likes to stay by his side. Baekhyun probably got most of the spotlight after Haru in the story. There's a character development, I suppose, but it needs a bit more details. The characterization wasn't that detailed. His interactions with other characters got cut as if it was some sort of an open ending already (though it's the ). How did he became acquiantance with Jiyong? Did he and his mother-in-law made up? How about Gain? she's still his wife. Does he visit her when she's currently in the hospital? These were the main questions I asked myself after I finished reading the story.
Let's talk about Gain now. Han Gain is the mother of Byun Haru. She works in a candy shop. Her grandmother probably despises Haru and Baekhyun for 'ruining' gain's life at the age of sixteen. Gain lacked characterization in my opinion. She was a big blank to me after the story. It was like she was just shoved there screaming 'hey, read me! I'm the reason why Haru is alive!', no offense. Anyway, my point is that she clearly didn't dazzle me in any way. I mean, she rarely shone like she was suppose to. She was fine and nonchalant of being Jiyong's patient though she is a married woman and Jiyong flirts with her. I'm confused about this one, sorry. What happened after she got treated? How did she react to Baekhyun sustaining Minho and Yoogeun's daily necessities? I mean, did she have any idea about it? What was the result of Haru's death? Did she and her mother still fought about it? Or did they made up with her grandmother apologizing and the like?
I won't describe the rest of the characters as tI'll package them into one instead. Yoogeun was just as adorable as Haru and it was tricky entering him into the story since it'll be hard to give him details. There are a few things I am curious about him. How did he react to Haru's death? How did he react to seeing his father? How did he found his way into his father's arms? What about Minho? It's clear that he's probably homeless. How did he managed to find Yoogeun? How did he had a good relationship with Baekhyun? I am also curious about Jiyong. Did he gave up showing his feelings to Gain? How did he and Baekhyun made up? Clearly, one apology about not letting him sleep with Haru didn't made them best of pals. Most of my questions belong to the next category, I hope you won't mind.
I really like the way you characterize things and since it's a oneshot it's quite hard to give everyone a spotlight so I understand. However, I do hope you can drop a few hints about gain's feelings. I feel like she's the one who needs characterization the most. But like I said, you did a great job! It's good but it can get better.
first up is byun Haru. Byun Haru is a precious child who got diagnosed of a malignant tumor at such an early age. She idolizes her dad and made him her role model in life. I got a blist of reality thanks to byun Haru. She had the most largest development in the story. She was a narrator of the story yet she did not became overshadowed by other characters. She shone the most in the fiction. She was a masterpiece! She was made delicately with detail and care. I love her character the most!
Okay, let's move on to your second character: Byun Baekhyun. Byun Baekhyun is a teacher and is the legal husband of han Gain. he cares for his daughter like every father does and always likes to stay by his side. Baekhyun probably got most of the spotlight after Haru in the story. There's a character development, I suppose, but it needs a bit more details. The characterization wasn't that detailed. His interactions with other characters got cut as if it was some sort of an open ending already (though it's the ). How did he became acquiantance with Jiyong? Did he and his mother-in-law made up? How about Gain? she's still his wife. Does he visit her when she's currently in the hospital? These were the main questions I asked myself after I finished reading the story.
Let's talk about Gain now. Han Gain is the mother of Byun Haru. She works in a candy shop. Her grandmother probably despises Haru and Baekhyun for 'ruining' gain's life at the age of sixteen. Gain lacked characterization in my opinion. She was a big blank to me after the story. It was like she was just shoved there screaming 'hey, read me! I'm the reason why Haru is alive!', no offense. Anyway, my point is that she clearly didn't dazzle me in any way. I mean, she rarely shone like she was suppose to. She was fine and nonchalant of being Jiyong's patient though she is a married woman and Jiyong flirts with her. I'm confused about this one, sorry. What happened after she got treated? How did she react to Baekhyun sustaining Minho and Yoogeun's daily necessities? I mean, did she have any idea about it? What was the result of Haru's death? Did she and her mother still fought about it? Or did they made up with her grandmother apologizing and the like?
I won't describe the rest of the characters as tI'll package them into one instead. Yoogeun was just as adorable as Haru and it was tricky entering him into the story since it'll be hard to give him details. There are a few things I am curious about him. How did he react to Haru's death? How did he react to seeing his father? How did he found his way into his father's arms? What about Minho? It's clear that he's probably homeless. How did he managed to find Yoogeun? How did he had a good relationship with Baekhyun? I am also curious about Jiyong. Did he gave up showing his feelings to Gain? How did he and Baekhyun made up? Clearly, one apology about not letting him sleep with Haru didn't made them best of pals. Most of my questions belong to the next category, I hope you won't mind.
I really like the way you characterize things and since it's a oneshot it's quite hard to give everyone a spotlight so I understand. However, I do hope you can drop a few hints about gain's feelings. I feel like she's the one who needs characterization the most. But like I said, you did a great job! It's good but it can get better.
character's relations (3/5) - Baekhyun and haru got me crying on this one. Their relationship as a father and daughter is really sweet. I like their interactions and it seemed really natural. Nothing was out of place and it wasn't awkward. It was perfect! On the other hand, I feel like you could use more details to describe Gain's relationship with Haru. Haru had done her part but in a way, Gain is still lacking. She needs a bit more push.
Though they were supporting characters, I feel like Yoogeun and Minho's relationship can use more support. How did they made up? What happened? Why did Minho gone missing for all those years? I guess that's a bit hard to fit in a oneshot so that's alright. It's still better if we (the readers) get to hear their side.
What I like most of all was gain and her mother's relationship. I didn't like the way she protected her daughter but I get her point. She watched gain grow up so i get her pain. she's devastated at her daughter who she worked hard to give proper education became pregnant and then she got notified that her daughter was diagnose of a crucial disease. She really love her daughter and did not wish anything bad to happen to her. Now that's a natural!
Though they were supporting characters, I feel like Yoogeun and Minho's relationship can use more support. How did they made up? What happened? Why did Minho gone missing for all those years? I guess that's a bit hard to fit in a oneshot so that's alright. It's still better if we (the readers) get to hear their side.
What I like most of all was gain and her mother's relationship. I didn't like the way she protected her daughter but I get her point. She watched gain grow up so i get her pain. she's devastated at her daughter who she worked hard to give proper education became pregnant and then she got notified that her daughter was diagnose of a crucial disease. She really love her daughter and did not wish anything bad to happen to her. Now that's a natural!
the author's mindset (33/40)
LOGICALLY (07/10) - It's actually more relatable than i expected it to be. I'm sure all readers can say the same. Your story focuses more on the loving family type of romance rather than the romantic type- and I adore you for that!
ORIGINALITY (09/10) - It's certainly refreshing from all the Baekhyun fan fictions I've read. I can't say that it's my favorite Baekhyun fan fiction, but it certainly earned a spot in my heart. I found myself rereading the entire thing all over again because it's just so refreshing! Imagine reading a bunch of romance (most sappy) stories and then reading yours- I'm in Love!
TONE (4/5) - Your narration went well. The one in perspective speaks in a raw, fresh and clear voice. It could use a bit more 'allure' in it, but it's still good!
NARRATION (4/5) - You've used first perspective- and you switched from character to character. It's a bit abrupt sometimes since I want to hear more from the narrator but it'll suddenly switch. However, I did see that this is necessary since it balances the characterization.
STORYLINE (09/10) - The storyline is amazing! I love the structure and those details- oh those glorious details! I'm a er for detailed stories whether it's a oneshot or chaptered one. Your storyline is so refreshing and it has a sweet approach that knocks readers off their feet in a quirky manner. I like it!
proper use of the english language (19/25)
proper grammar/punctuation (07/10) - There were too many commas and unnecessary punctuation marks, in my opinion. Some of the sentences were a bit murky and could have been shortened- I find some of them too long. Your descriptions of things revolving around the story missed a few details- but that's totally fine. I'm sure a proofread will get the job done!
termonology (2/5) - I didn't really encountered any new words. All the words were pretty much average. Expand your vocabulary. Try going for a different term. For example, instead of using the word 'cry' over and over again, why not try words such as weep, sob, wail or whimper? Anything counts! Readers learn new words through stories. Hence, authors enhances their vocabularies through reading their fellow author's fan fictions. What I'm trying to say is, use new words instead of the same old ones over and over again.
language barrier (10/10) - No Korean Words! You don't know how much happy I am to see that. As a reviewer, I think the use of Korean words is completely unnecessary in fan fictions. I mean, what's the point of writing it in English for international fans to enjoy and fantasize if you'll leave some Korean words out? It completely disrupts the mood. The only Korean word I favor is 'oppa', 'noona', 'unni' etc only if they're completely necessary in a situation. Again, kudos!
Reviewer's enjoyment (5/5)
Despite of the few cons I said, I love your story very much! It wasn't the typical sappily fluffy romance but it's still love in a different form. A love that somehow gets overshaddowed in some stories: Family love. For highlighting this, this story ended up being special in my heart.
Like I said earlier, it may not be my favorite Baekhyun fan fiction, but it still made its spot. Your's story's golden!
Like I said earlier, it may not be my favorite Baekhyun fan fiction, but it still made its spot. Your's story's golden!
Comments