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Author: gaksitalGaksital 
Reviewed By: pikakaehimesama

Requested Date: 11/06/15
Story Link: Link
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Bonus:

Title: 10/10

Logical: 3/3

It is logical because it does align with the the story you are trying to convey.

Eye-catching: 3/3

It is eye catching, and it is a really unique title that draws in the reader.

Original: 4/4

The title is original so props to you!

Description/Foreword: 9/10

Summary: 4/5

I like the introduction, but for me personally i’m not too big of a fan of spin-offs. It’s an extremely biased opinion but it’s because I truly believe you need to read the original story first. I mean to you as an author, because you know the original story like the way you know that 1+1 =2, you don’t think you’ll need the original story. BUT in most cases, you need to know the original storyline, and your story is one of them, only because I personally believe in order to fully understand a magic world-story you need to understand how EVERYTHING works, not just one part.

Appearance: 5/5

I really like the appearance of the foreword, and I really love how it’s the kind of introduction you would see for the start of a  supernatural/magical world-type of novel. It makes a reader have interest without giving out everything.

Character Development/Showcasing: 10/10

Development: 5/5

Can we just talk about how well Jongdae developed throughout your entire oneshot? Man, I haven’t seen that much character development in a LONG time, it was so refreshing to read! It’s not just Jongdae that had wonderful character development, but you developed Yixing as well as the OC beautifully, A++++++!

Relation/Cast: 5/5

Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but I like how Autumn is Lay, because Lay is born in Autumn! I don’t know if you did that on purpose but it gives more of a reason on why he should be autumn and not someone like D.O who was born in a Winter month. I like the relationship with Yixing and Jongdae because you can see their friendship grow into something bigger, bigger than themselves and the trials that their friendship is put through is wonderful, especially for a one-shot.

Behind the Author's Mind: 31/40

Logical: 9/10

Logically, it’s good, but it sounds like a monotone robot.

Original: 10/10

The story itself is original, but it is a spin-off, so it’s not completely original. HOWEVER, since the story is yours, you still get your points for originality.

Tone: 3/5

The tone was good, however I do think you sometimes lost your voice as an author and it became more, robotic. There are some areas as I read over it, it felt like I was reading a textbook and not a novel. It turned more into a textbook in more th of the heavy descriptive parts of the magic-world area, so be careful! Try to create your own voice with that, although it’s hard and you probably did a lot of research on how everything would play out.

Narration: 3/5

The narration was good, but like I said earlier, it seemed like I reading a textbook, and that can get boring easily, although your story is packed filled with interesting content. I used a textbook analogy because textbooks are actually packed with such a amazing information if you bother to read it and digest it, but normally people don’t get further than the first page because the tone sounds like a monotone robot.

Storyline: 8/10

The storyline was good, however the way you wrote about the seasons during their fights, it seemed more humanized, but throughout the story they were not extremely humanized, so try to stick with one and follow through with it throughout the entire story.

Proper Use of the English Language: 20/25

Proper Grammar/Punctuation: 6/10

Remember to end your quotations. There are some areas where there are no end quotations. It’s such a small thing that makes the biggest difference in a story because in plain words, your description becomes part of the words a character is saying without an end quotation.  Also remember to used a closed quotation instead of an open quotation mark, it just looks so weird and you’re using the wrong punctuations.

I’m glad you’ve used commas correctly for the most part, but there are some parts where you can use a semicolon instead of a comma. This would avoid the sentences that are phrased like, “Hi. I’m Chen. I’m a member of EXO. Singing Is my speciality. I also am hot af. You knew that already. That’s why you like EXO. I am the reason you like EXO.” You see how that does not flow well at all? That is how some parts of your story are, and it sounds choppy. What you could do to fix it is use punctuations to it’s fullest potential, but also be careful of not overusing commas. How you could fix it so it flows more fluidly could be like, “Hello, I’m Chen from EXO. I am the main singer of the group but i’m also the main visual; I am the sole reason on why EXO has so many female fans.” This sounds a lot better, doesn’t it?

Terminology: 4/5

You used proper English which is amazing, BUT, some of the words were something you would see in a textbook. Like i’m happy you're using complex words that you would use in higher education English in scholarly papers, but majority of the readers on AFF (i’m saying this as what I noticed), English is their second language. So the complex scholarly words, it’s great, but try to keep them to a minimum. I mean if you were writing an essay for your university, I’d tell you, “Go ahead! Find synonyms for everything!” But alas, this is not a place where you write your scholarly papers of 30+ pages so you don’t necessarily have to use them. Sometimes it does break the flow as some words don't’ flow as well as others.

Language Barrier: 10/10

Language barriers as in you use complex words so it’s a lot harder for those who don’t have English as their first language to read it. Honestly, that’s not a thing I would want to mark you off on though, so you’ll get your full points.

General Enjoyment/Last Comment: 5/5

I’m so damn sorry this took so long! I finished it a while back, but I’ve been on and off this site because I’ve had a lot of stuff going on in my personal life. I really did enjoy your story and congrats on winning that contest :) You can use my review to help you (or not although that would be a waste lol) and you can only improve from here!  I hope to amazing things from you in the future!

Total: 85/100