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Author: KimmyNurry
Reviewed By: KaihleeLo

Requested Date: 2/15/16

Review Completion: 2/16/16
Story Link: Link
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Bonus: (Your questions and focuses for us here) 

- Sentence structure: further discuss in the grammar section

- dialogue: Unless it was a question or exclamation mark, normally dislogues would end with a comma follow by the end quotation and lowercase of the next term, unless it had to be capitalized. Normally this is a confusing factor for many authors but it's the proper way Here's an example of what I meant: "I love AFF," she said. or "Are you kidding me?" I said. 
- the characters: ...will be discussed in the character section
- the description of each scene: there wasn't many descriptive scenes, for example I'm not positive how the set up of every place are exactly. For example how big is her school (or how small is it?), her workplace, and most of all the apartment and how the rooms are set up. 

Title: 10/10

Logical: 3/3

There's nothing illogical about using a person's name, especially the main character as the story title. 
Eye-catching: 3/3
To be honest I thought the term "Amara" was a foreign term used as the title until I read the summary and found that it was actually the main character's name. To some it may be an eye-catcher, but I wasn't immediately hooked. 
Original: 4/4
It's not common but not exactly rare for authors to use names as their story titles, so there was no complaints here. 

Description/Foreword: 9/10

Summary: 4/5

First off the story summary was interesting and didn't give away much, however I spotted quite a few error mistakes. Below I'll point them out and suggest any changes I saw necessary. 

Original: Amara grew up knowing nothing but fear, especially being raised by an uncle that's always drunk and have a dark past that no one knows about but him. As Amara comes to an age that seems mature enough or legal enough to some people, her life became more complicated than it already has. 

Amara has always been the outcast to wherever she goes. Everyone thinks she’s a freak. Some say she has a demonic power, and they say she is an epitome of disaster.

Suggestion: Amara grew up knowing nothing but fear, especially being raised by an uncle that's [should be 'who's'] always drunk and have [has] a dark past that no one knows about but him. As Amara comes to an age that seems mature enough or legal enough [enough was used twice but I find it as a fluff term here, meaning it's not exactly a needed] to some people, her life became more [I'm not sure if the term here should be 'more complicated' since we're assuming she's already living a complicated life, but we do not know yet.] complicated than it already has. 

Amara has always been the outcast to wherever [the 'to' isn't necessary] she goes [went]. Everyone thinks she’s a freak. Some say she has a demonic power, and they say she is an epitome of disaster. [The reason I colored the whole sentence is because it's a misleading sentence. It sounded like out of the 'Everyone who thought she is a freak" only some say she has demonic powers and is an epitome of disater. If what I was getting, that you meant to splilt up the everyone into two groups of 'some' then it'd be better to word the sentence differently, for example: Some say she has demonic powers, others say she is an/the epitome of disater. That way it sounded like both parties, those who thought she has demonic powers and those who claim she's an epitome of disater would all be those who considers her a freak.]]

Final: Amara grew up knowing nothing but fear, especially being raised by an uncle who's always drunk and has a dark past that no one knows about but him. As Amara comes to an age that seems mature or legal to some people, her life became more complicated than it already has. 

Amara has always been the outcast to wherever she went. Everyone thinks she’s a freak. Some say she has a demonic power, others say she is an epitome of disaster.

After putting together the 'final' ver. I thought it sounded too strange altogether so I've provided my own version, of course you as the author of your story has every right to choose whether or not you'll like to consider my version, but it would be more 'concised'. 

Reviewer's Ver.: Raised by an uncle who's always drunk and has a dark past that no one but him knows of, Amara grew up knowing nothing but fear. Once Amara comes of age, her already complicated life gets worse. 

Wherever she go, Amara was always the outcast. Everyone thinks she is a freak. Some even say she has demonic powers, while others claim she is an epitome of disater. 

Appearance: 5/5
There were a variety uses of different font size, but it didn't bother the overall layout. In fact you did well in balancing it, thus giving the story more of an impact. 

Character Development/Showcasing: 7/10

Development: 3/5

As the story is just starting, there's still plenty of room for character development. However, I'm going to discuss about the major three characters Amara, her uncle, and Suga as you'ved asked for me to focus on the characters.

Before anything, I suggest either changing the foreword or go back and change Amara. The foreword stated that she knew nothing but fear growing up, it's misleading since once the story began, she was not the icon of someone who knew only fear. She's quite a stronghead and sounded like a normal teenager who goes through the everyday life of teens during their puberty and sensitive years. At first I imagined her as very taciturn, always alert and jumpy, or very careful, but she's not really any of those. Which are factors one may find in one who has only known fear....Point is, Amara's character doesn't seem consistent. One moment she's irritated, another moment she's very careful, and then another she's very heartless and cold. She doesn't feel like a real character is what I'm trying to say. For someone with four, or five jobs, she doesn't seem very caring or much of a workaholic....I don't understand why she needs to bring in money for her uncle since it was never clarified? Like would he disown her if all she did was go to school? I'm not even sure how she is as a student. I mean if she gets bully and her uncle doesn't care about her education then why was she even in school? Plus I can't understand why she would lash out at Yoongi...? I mean she didn't seem to be rude but then all of a sudden she's cold toward the only person who seems to be caring towards her. Was she's overly annoyed because in the past someone has done the same and big time betrayed her? It sort of sound like it but at the same time, isn't she overreacting...? 

One more thing, for the past 18 years if all of her birthdays has been dulled and such, why did she even bother being troubled by it? It sounded like she was expecting something for her birthday? 

I'm not sure where Suga came from, since there was never really any mention of a new student coming to the school. However, we do find out much later on that he's a new student and for whatever reason he's trying to become Amara's friend because he believed she's strong in a way. Other than him helping her out and supporting him, I'm not sure what to think of him since not much of him has been revealed. 

As for the uncle, we haven't seen him much in action other than us having only to rely on what we know from Amara's perspective. 

 
Relation/Cast: 4/5
I find it strange that her uncle doesn't know her schedule....Like wasn't it a set schedule...? Why was he questioning her and claiming she had better not run away? Other than his sudden outburst, I didn't find him as bad as he sound? Maybe I wasn't getting the picture, but I just don't think his actions did the story summary of him any justice? 

Again I'm not sure why Amara was angry at Yoongi for following her around. But I know their relationship would definitely change now that Suga has been more involved in her life. I find it strange that she'd point out that Suga was the first to ask how she was...? Didn't the librarian already did so in the very few first chapters? 

Behind the Author's Mind: 34/40

Logical: 10/10

There's nothing illogical about the story as it's the author's creation of a supernatural genre story. 
Original: 10/10
The idea of who she may be (a vampire) isn't exactly a new idea. But I'm not certain if she is at all one, so I can't say much for this section. However, the cliche of a outgoing male entertaining a poorly raised female isn't at all new as well. But it's up to the author to add in twists to make the story their own. 
Tone: 3/5
The story was told through the eyes of Amara, at times I find her sounding like the average teenage girl while in the other she sounded outgoing or very careful. 

Narration: 3/5

The story told in first person isn't always a bad thing, but at times the character's personalities has to be very set in order for him or her to bring out her story. In this case, first person did not truly help Amara's case. I think you as the author is quite an outgoing and happy person, but you were trying to write a character who's living in fear....It didn't mix well in my opinion....
Storyline: 8/10
The story moved very fast since details and descriptions were glossed over. Everything was left to the imagination of readers though we weren't given much. We're at seven chapters yet we haven't even come close to what or who Amara or her uncle in that case truly are. We learn that Amara's hands are cold from a boy, and her bully collapsing but not much more....Also we weren't given the details of what happened afterwards so I'm not sure how Amara truly feel about the situation she has caused, if she cared at all. 

Proper Use of the English Language: 21/25

Proper Grammar/Punctuation: 8/10

There were minor errors here and there but all repetitive. Numbers 1-9 needs to be written out unless necessary. Otherwise it's improper and looks funny in the line of text. I noticed you had some problems with prepositions such as "at", 'on', and 'in' and where to use them correctly. I'd like to point out the ones I spotted in the wrong place but instead I thought this link would be much more helpful: http://www.learn-english-today.com/lessons/lesson_contents/grammar/at_on_in.html

This is only a suggestion but I thought that it would be better if her dreams were put in italics? Just so it doesn't disturb the flow of the story since they don't seem to fit exactly with each scene? Or doesn't make transitioning any easier by being in regular font. 

Termonology: 4/5
You had a wide knowledge of vocabularies and terms so it made reading interesting. However, in certain areas I believe you meant to use different terms. For example, the 'begging' or her uncle during the middle of the night, I believed it was meant to be 'demanding'? Since he was partially telling her to open the door and not asked her. 

Language Barrier: 9/10
Many readers would be turn off when authors uses another language to tell their story. Especially a language that the readers has no knowledge of. I noticed you used the Korean expression 'ah' after the boy's name, however, it was never mentioned or used again. Then there was the whole sentence/chanting in Spanish but we do not get a direct translation from it. Neither did Amara bother to try to understand what she heard. I only find it odd that one would dream a dream where the people spoke in a different language. Especially if they haven't heard it being said before. So it's interesting how Amara does not question why she dreamed of such and so. 

General Enjoyment/Last Comment: 3.5/5
First of all I'm sorry it took me quite some time to review such a short story....Normally I would have gotten it done in a few hours since the chapters weren't very long, however, for whatever reason my work wasn't saved when I was pretty sure I saved it.....So after running a few errands and getting back to it, I noticed majority of what I had done were gone so I had to restart everything >_< 

Anyway, as for the story, I would say I'm still clueless as to what will happen and how the story will blossom. But I did not find myself really feeling or loving the story? I couldn't get myself to understand Amara and like her....Same with Suga. Usually I love characters like him, but he came out of the blue and started treating her like he knew everything about her. It was an odd appearance and off relationship that I couldn't grasp. (For example, why did he assume something happened at her home when he doesn't know how it was in her house?)

I hope none of what I have written has offended you in any way, I only wish you success as I can see this becoming a great story. Happy Be-Lated Valentine Day! 

Total Points: 84.5/100