blk Shop

Home

GETTING STARTED

Archieve

OUR PREVIOUS WORK

Staff

ABOUT OUR STAF

Rubric

MORE ABOUT HOW WE GRADE

Author: velvetmajesty
Reviewed By: KaihleeLo

Requested Date: 12/16/15

Review Completion: 12/16/15
Story Link: Link
Reminder: 

- Feel free to message me personally for any questions or clarification 

- Don't forget to credit us with our banner/logo 

- Thank you for choosing BLK Review Shop, hope to see you again!

Bonus: (Your questions and focuses for us here)

Title: 8/10

Logical: 3/3

The title matches the story well. 
Eye-catching: 2/3
Honestly I wouldn't click on this story if it was among a list of other titles. The title doesn't draw me in. 
Original: 3/4
In terms of original I think the title is too vague, try to make it different and unique like for example, the story really focuses on days and time, maybe "The Unspoken 100 Days" or something like that. 

Description/Foreword: 7/10

Summary: 2/5

The summary itself is grammatically incorrect, and it doesn't hook readers immediately. I suggest giving a wider summary of the whole story overall, after all it's a long one shot. 
Appearance: 5/5
It's simple and neat.

Character Development/Showcasing: 5/10

Development: 4/5

Each main or major side characters will be discussed thoroughly so it gives both the author and I an idea of the character, also to show you as the author how I'm reading each character. 

Kyungsoo: For one we learn that Kyungsoo is clean and holds grudges. He's also sick and in the end he passed away after fighting for his life. We learn that Kyungsoo likes to sing as it sooths his weak lungs. 

Kai: Kai is a rich child who's only biological family member, his mother, was sick. Kai is majoring in medicine, loves to take pictures, and dancing. Kai focuses more on the business aspect of life than many other. Kai's character feels messy, all of a sudden he's into cameras, then next he was trying to major in medicine even oversea.... Like does he know English? Why would he aim for such a difficult major in the states? Why was he interested in medicine? How much does he know about medicine? 

I would say there were very little development from Kyungsoo, he didn't change much meanwhile Kai changed after his mother was admitted to the hospital. 

Relation/Cast: 1/5
I dislike it when side characters are not important or is just in the story for the reason "just because". I don't know why Chanyeol has so many teenager brothers, or why they call their parents Mama/Ma, Papa/pa, I mean teenagers boys especially don't tend to do that. It's even more absurd as all the brothers does that. Plus no one really stands out from the crowd and we as readers do not know a lot about them.

Kai and Kyungsoo's relationship was rushed and it feels empty, because you as the author is telling us what to feel rather than trying to convince us its love. I dont understand why they are attracted and shy with each other in the beginning. Are they openly gay? As men in college why do they freak out over another man's body? I mean in middle school you're already expected to change in front of your same-gendered peers...?  

And as I mentioned about Kai being into medicine and one of the brothers, I think you could have done the characters more justice if say out in the countryside one of the brothers falls ill and Kai, as a student of medicine, goes to his aid and help him. Kyungsoo then learn that Kai is into medicine and such. I believe you were too focus on trying to speed up their relationship that you ignored the importance of the characters. 

I understand that you'd like to include every EXO member, but some stories are better off with only four of the members. Don't overwhelm your readers with unneccessary characters, especially those who are reading for the story. 

At times I get the feeling that Kai and Kyungsoo doesn't really love each other with affection, it seems more of  just an obsession. Why? Because they could live with not really knowing the details from one another. For example, when Kai didn't reply for a long time Kyungsoo immediately thought Kai doesn't love him, but then later on understand why Kai may not have talked to him much cause as it may be awkward, but I was surprised that Kyungsoo didn't even wonder if Kai was okay. Like what person doesn't text back in four days and you think they're still alive? Or isn't having a hard time, etc? Kai on the other hand doesn't even know Kyungsoo's parents but trust that Kyungsoo is on a vacation just because the parents said so. Like really...? He couldn't have asked the parents how Kyungsoo really was? This is where their relationship feels discconected and more of an obsession cause they thought they love each other instead of really showing it to one another. 

Behind the Author's Mind: 34/40

Logical: 10/10

The whole idea of the story makes sense, yes.
Original: 9/10
Stories can be cliche and still be the best story anyone has ever read out there, I believe this story was in between the fine line of cliche and original. Overall, it's a fresh story with many twists. 
Tone: 5/5
You kept your tone consitant so no complaints here. 

Naration: 5/5

Here as well, third POV did this story a good deal.
Storyline: 5/10
I did not expect genderbending in the story so it threw me off. I believe that should be added to your tags. Otherwise as I have stated before in the character section, the characters was a turn off thus it was difficult to read about them farther more. I liked the idea though, of them going out and using their summer break wisely to learn and such but very little details was done on what they learned. Plus they seem to adjust just fine, the only frustrating thing was that you kept mentioning that they were learning, having a hard time, etc, but you never painted the whole image for us. A lot of their actions was only assumed, I mean I bet someone taught them how to plant but we never got to see how and who. So it's hard to say whether they have learned anything at all. 

Otherwise their love for one another was the major point of the story and I'm glad it was developed over the days they spent together, but as I said, we were told what to feel so I'm not sure why they would 'fall' in love so quickly. Like I don't look at any good looking peers of mine and goes 'damn he's good looking', and then we get to go on a trip and then somehow I just tell him I like him. I mean sure he's attractive, but it's different than being in love, right? 

Proper Use of the English Language: 17/25

Proper Grammar/Punctuation: 5/10

I understand that English isn't your first language (it's not mine either), but this isn't an excuse to write poorly. If you need, get a beta reader to help you with proof-reading, use microsoft to check your grammar, use spell checks online to help you check for grammar issue. I find this online spell checker often helpful: 

Grammar and spellchecker – English – Reverso

There's a difference between in and on. In is within, inside while on is the outside of a person, place, or thing. See the difference between "in the ground" and "on the ground". 

As the author and narrarator of the story, try not to use the words 'kind of' to explain the scenes, it isn't needed and sounds uncertain. As the author you have to write with a confident tone, don't be iffy. Instead of weird use words like 'uncertain', 'not sure', 'uncomfortable' these adjectives give readers a better image than 'weird'. Weird is too vague, we do not know what 'weird' is in this scene. Are they uncomfortable with one another or as you mention only awkward because they weren't close, etc.

 
Termonology: 3/5
You had a variety of termonologies included but the problem is they were dropped in randomly, some terms didn't flow with the sentence properly. These terms were better left out or replaced by other dictions that would flow easier, without confusing the readers. Here's an example: 

Original: Kai and Kyungsoo became teammates in their practicum, thirty days on a farm field to live with the rural poor and learn their true situation.

Suggestion:  Kai and Kyungsoo became teammates in their practicum, thirty days on a farm field to live with the rural poor and learn their ways [or] learn the ways of their lifestyles. (The problem here is that true is such a random term, instead of true maybe 'real' would have sounded better. Situation tends to mean there has been an issue or uprise of an event that needs solving or attention, I believe situation isn't the correct term as well.)

Original:  It was a rain shower, matched with the sun’s amiable light, and the leaves gently applaused that they created music, while the green grass everywhere warmed their hearts. (I found myself reading this sentence too many times.)

Suggestion:   It was a rain shower that matched the sun’s amiable light, the leaves applaused gently creating music, while the green grass warmed their hearts. (Try to keep your sentence to a limit, keep it concise, don't go on  and on about the description that isn't neccessary.)

Language Barrier: 10/10
Other than you suddenly changing Kai's name to Jongin, I didn't find any problem with this section. 

General Enjoyment/Last Comment: 3/5
To be honest I nearly gave up reading, I thought I was going to die. But you know what saved me? The romance between Kai and Kyungsoo during the laying out on the grass scene and I'm not even a Kaisoo shipper or crazy EXO-L. But I believe you're gifted and super talented when it comes to writing romance and angst, I on the other hand tend to look at the story's plot and character development. So I guess this was why I thought I was going to die in the beginning, I didn't think your story would be filled with any good twists and I was wrong. 

I wish I could say I very much enjoyed this long one shot (this could have been a seven chapters story) but there were times when it was just so draggy and then it was super quick paced. 

Anyway I don't want you to feel like I look down on your work or anything, this was simply a review and my thoughts and take on your story ^^. I hope you continue to write and improve! Fighting! 

P.S. Thanks for the EXO song. Never checked it out before but couldn't find myself to stop listening.

Total Points: 74/100 (Please let us know on how we're doing by voting on our poll on the front page. Your feedback is much appreciated!)