She who came from the wall

Reviewer: dhaatk
Review for:  Xiuhanluhan

Requested on: 10/2/2014
Finished On: 10/3/2014

NOTE: 2 Chapters (Spoiler Alert)

(4/10) Title: It's really hard to explain, but something with the title just doesn't click. It literally sounds strange, but in the bad way. I'd suggest renaming it to “She, who lives in the wall” or “She, who hides in the wall”. Of course, maybe it has to be “came from” according to the story's idea, but from these two first chapters it looks as it could be changed.

(5/10) Character: Luhan's character is already clear, which is great. He seems to be cold-blooded and seriously angered by getting supernatural cases instead of normal ones, that regular detective should receive. However, I'm giving only half points for this section because in the foreword you stated all Exo members are included, but you should actually write about them in if not first chapter, then in two first and what I mean by this is not randomly mentioning some of the members, but actually introducing them by names, occupations and such, because for now it's not really clear what are they and how many of them are out there – workers in detective Luhan's office or what? Plus, Kim Ga eun should have made more visible appearance already, not just a picture.

(8/10) Originality: I'm taking out a couple of points, because for a fanfic – yes, it is original, but for a story itself – not at all. Have you any idea how many horror movies and stories in general are out there with such storyline about a possessed dolls and accessories? Most likely other two hundred if not more.

(20/40) Storyline/Plot: So this is probably the most debatable point for me and I'm torn between how much should I give for the plot. The only thing I'm certain about is that I don't wanna give you more than half the points for it and here's why: the plot and succession of the events doesn't make sense at all. First, you write about a possessed girl, which throws Luhan down, when he tries to approach her, but the next action takes place in Luhan's bed, where he wakes up and at first I thought he woke up after blacking out or something, but only later did I realize he had a nightmare of events that took place four months ago. I thought in the next chapter you'd explain why Luhan kept having these dreams and kept the possessed doll, but the second chapter was totally different. What's the connection between these chapters? It started with Luhan in his office, getting another case so solve, going to the house to investigate, but what actually caught my attention was the fact that soon after the little girl got attacked and nearly killed, he and his coworkers (?) started to collect evidence and such. Shouldn't the police forces come and only then give the permission for detectives to do their job? At least I think it goes that way.

(15/25) Grammar/Errors:  Sorry to be the bad news bringer, but grammar was probably the worst thing in this story. Also, since you asked to focus on your grammar and sentence structure, I tried to point out as many mistakes as I could, but for future references I suggest you find a beta reader. First of all, plural is made by adding only “s”, (if it's a regular noun), for example: “detectives”, not “detective's”, also “things”, not “thing's”. If it's an irregular noun, it's more complicated, but the only mistake you made with those was in first chapter. You wrote “women”, but it's actually plural for word “woman”, so it should have been singular (“woman”). What is more, in first chapter you wrote “although were detective's not Exorcists” it should have been “although we're detectives, not exorcists”. When woman said she smelled a dead body in the house, she said it very unnaturally. It would sound better if she said “There's a very strange smell in the house, it stinks really badly, but I can't find the source... I'm afraid it could be... you know, a-a dead b-body...”. Where you wrote “Crash!” it was out of place, it'd be better to write a full sentence, stating, that suddenly there was a loud crash heard. In second chapter, in sentence “...we can solve they're supernatural problem” it needs to be “their”, not “they're”, because “they're” is an abbreviation of “they are”. There were a couple of more errors here and there. What concerns the sentence structure, it's not that bad. I personally would write in a different way, but every writer has their trademarks and how you form sentences is a personal thing. Grammatically your sentences are correct and that's what matters the most.

(0/5) Overall Enjoyment: Don't take it the wrong way, it's nothing personal! I seriously wouldn't keep on reading the story, it's just not for me. Every story is different and not all stories are for everyone. Think about this as an opportunity to grow as a writer and don't give up just because “some unfamiliar reviewer on the Net gave you a low score”.

(52/100) Points Total

Bonus: Your questions and focuses for us:

“Once again I would like you to focus on my sentence structure, and grammar :3 Kamsahamnida ^o^”

Explained everything in “grammar” category!

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