Falling for your own brother Baekhyun or Chanyeol - liyumekdi
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Not to beat around the bush, I'm going to tell you straight up that the title was a turn off. For one, it contains grammatical errors. Original it is "Falling for your own brother, Baekhyun or Chanyeol?" when it should be "Falling For Your Own Brother, Baekhyun or Chanyeol?" Second of all it's too long and sparks no interest or mystery to it. Titles often hide the mystery behind the story's plot or has some sort of connection with the storyline without giving away the story. For the title we have here, I can easily predict and come up with a story of the main character falling in love for her own brothers, whether adopted, related, or just so close that they consider each other siblings. Either way, I suggest taking another jab at creating a more unique, different, and interesting title.
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Character: (5/10)
There were too many characters and I believe using POVs caused more damage to the character's personalities. We can't differentiate each character, it's difficult to do so even with eleven chapters. We can only tell that Baekhyun is possibly more outgoing and childish compare to Chanyeol who's nicer and friendlier but turned evil. But basically they all do act similiarly alike and you also listed their personalities on the front 'page' so it did give away their characteristics. I think adding the whole EXO was a wrong move for this story. In some stories it works but in some it doesn't. Plus the many side characters whose POVs even matters really made the main characters' POVs fall.
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Originality: (7/10)
The story was cliche with the brotherly and sisterly love but to find comedy fics are quite hard on here.
One of our founders here at BLK reviews published this fiction here and it's sort of how you set up your story: "5 Years Wait" I believe this is the best way to attempt POVs and dialogue style writing. Because at first you seemed to want to write in a novel style, but with the POVs and just dialogues, I really recommend checking this one out and use a layout similiar to it.
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Story-line/Plot: (22/40)
As I say the cliche is real in this story, we get a lot of EXO planning trips, etc in order to get the main characters closer and the -yet-not-blood-related also comes up as well. Too many things are happening at most that none of it makes sense towards the middle, it's like once something happens then EVERY character only focuses on that, and it makes it unrealistic. Plus there are no major plot twists that would hook a reader at the end of every chapter. Because this story seems to be comic-bound, it was mainly for laughs and nothing else (in my opinion).
Another turn off was the emo-cons....Instead of doing "O_O" maybe say "Baekhyun's eyes widen at the words said by the lass when he couldn't believe his ears." The emo-cons and 8323y22343 minutes thingy really bothered me.
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Grammar/Errors: (15/25)
Because English isn't your native tongue doesn't exempt you from trying harder. It could have easily been fixed by either using Spelling auto-correct online, word docs, or by seeking a beta-reader.Or try reading your chapters out loud, it may help you find errors when something sounds off. The many grammar errors made it difficult to read without having to re-read the passage or scene and it also made it choppy. English is a difficult language so I tried not to be too harsh, plus I'm sure you'll improve as you keep writing. Below I've copy the whole scene with Yunmi's POV right at the beginning. The first part I will point out the errors, the second will be where I helped edit it a bit, and third will be how I would have written it.
First:
It’s Saturday. I wonder what I’ll do this weekend.
"Yunmi-ya. Why are you sleeping in your room all day? Go out and take a fresh air." Mumbles mom while folding my cloth. Only if you knew, mom. Only if you knew. I bury my head under the pillow. Maybe mom is right. Shall I go shopping, restaurant, meet the shark loans… Wai..Wait no! What? Meet the shark loans? I’d rather die. It’s the main reason for me being stuck in my small room. Meet those whales? N-O way. Maybe i should watch tv.
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BORING! I’m dying here. I don’t think I can longer sit doing nothing. For how much long do I have to be here? It's not like I'm kidnapped or something? Maybe I should just take a peek and see what happens.
I pop my head slowly out of the gate. I rotate my head from right to left and left to right. There was nothing but cars rushing, people walking and wind flipping my hair. There is no sign of them. Then I slowly enter my head and close the door. /sigh/
“/sigh/ I have to do it. I can’t stay here forever. Aish Yunmii! Why is this happening to me?” I ruffle my hair. Then I open the gate again and take a peek. Still, there isn’t a little bit change. Then I slowly go out of the gate wavering and close it slowly. I check for the last time and walk forward.
“Okay, Yunmi, it’s gonna be okay. Gwaenchana. /heave/”
Then I walk my legs faster than before. I begin to walk confidently like nothing would ever happen. I grab a taxi and start traveling to a near by market.
Oh what a nice weather. I did a pretty good job. I can't skip another chance to refresh myself.
Second:
It’s Saturday. I wonder what I’ll do this weekend.
"Yunmi-ya. Why are you sleeping in your room all day? Go out and get some fresh air." Mumbles mom while folding my clothes. Only if you knew, mom. Only if you knew. I bury my head under the pillow. Maybe mom is right. Shall I go shopping, to a restaurant, or meet the loan sharks…. Wai....Wait no! What? Meet the loan sharks? I’d rather die. They're the main reason for me being stuck in my small room. Meet those whales? N-O way. Maybe I should watch TV.
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BORING! I’m dying here. I don’t think I can longer sit here any longer and doing nothing. For how much longer do I have to be here? It's not like I'm kidnapped or something? Maybe I should just take a peek and see what happens.
I pop my head slowly out of from behind the gate. I rotate my head from right to left and left to right. There was nothing but cars rushing rushing cars, people walking, and wind flipping my hair. There is no sign of them. Then I slowly enter pulled my head back in and close the door. /sigh/
“/sigh/ I have to do it. I can’t stay here forever. Aish Yunmi! Why is this happening to me?” I ruffle my hair. Then I open the gate again and take a peek. Still, there isn’t a little bit not much has change. Then I slowly go out of the gate wavering and close it slowly. I check for the last time and walk forward.
“Okay, Yunmi, it’s gonna be okay. Gwaenchana. /heave/”
Then I walk my legs faster than before. I begin to walk confidently like nothing would ever happen. I grab a taxi and start traveling to a nearby market.
Oh what a nice weather. I did a pretty good job. I can't skip another chance to refresh myself.
Third:
It’s Saturday. I wonder what I’ll do this weekend.
"Yunmi. Why are you sleeping in your room all day? Go out and get some fresh air." Mumbles mom while folding my clothes. Only if you knew, mom. Only if you knew. I bury my head under the pillow. Maybe mom is right. Shall I go out and shop, eat at a restaurant, or meet the loan sharks….Wai..Wait no! What? Meet the loan sharks? I’d rather die. They're the main reason for me staying in. Meet those whales? N-O way. Maybe I should watch TV instead.
BORING! I’m dying here. I don’t think I can sit here any longer and do nothing. For how much longer must I be here? It's not like I'm kidnapped or anything. Maybe I should just take a peek outside and see what happens.
I pop my head slowly out from behind the gate. Rotating my head from right to left and left to right, there was nothing but rushing cars, walking people and winds that kept flipping my hair. There is no sign of them. Then I retract my head and close the door with a sigh.
“I have to do it. I can’t stay here forever. Ah Yunmi! Why is this happening to me?” I ruffle my hair. Then I open the gate again and take a peek. Still, no changes were made to the ongoing traffic and walking people. Then I slowly made my way out of the gate wavering and close it slowly. I check for the last time and walk forward.
“Okay, Yunmi, it’s gonna be okay.” I heave.
Then I pick up my pace and walk faster than before. I also begin walking confidently as if nothing would ever happen. I grab a taxi and start traveling to a nearby market.
Oh what a nice weather. I did a pretty good job. I can't skip another chance to refresh myself.
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Overall Enjoyment: (1/5)
The switches between POVs was irritating to read. And because of how it was written, I couldn't pull myself to full comprehend every scenes. I did not enjoy the story as much as I'd hope, mainly because the scenes seems blend to me if it doesn't make me laugh. (I did laugh at certain parts).
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Total Score (55/100) Please do not be discourage with the grade I've given you. It's only meant to help you in any way possible.
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Bonus: *Your questions and focuses for me*
The grammer, wrong usage of words and the poor sides of the story that makes readers hit the back botton of their browser.
To answer the question as to why or what would make a reader go for the back button is, in my opinion, the title alone is one of the reasons. I like EXO but I do not love them to an extent that I would have checked their stories out, especially with its original title that includes the member's names. If its title was to be something else then I may have checked it out, because you would want to attract both EXO and non-EXO fans right?
And here are some other reasons why people may hit the back button:
1. The grammatcal errors are no lie. If you want people to read your story than make sure you're doing and trying your best to present your best. The author's goal is to keep the reader and not scare them away with effortless work.
2. The Korean hangul in here, I understand that many authors would want to use 'Aish' instead of 'AH' or 'hyung' instead of 'brother', but come on, you're writing in English. Keep it constant by using only English, many readers can still predict that they're speaking in Korean. Plus, the usage of big Korean terms may distract a reader from smooth reading.
3. The POVs is really not necessary. Especially when they are so easily switched. Multiple POVs in books and fictions aren't very fond of versus multiple POVs in dramas or films.
4. The hooks at the end of each chapter may have made people click back on the back button, especially when it doesn't seem interesting.
5. As I said before, because this was a comedy-based that unless readers get laughs out of it, I doubt they would enjoy it as much. Unless they love the storyline and EXO.
Is it funny?
It is funny to a certain level but some scenes are hard to understand....Sure the characters are laughing but I just couldn't find anything to laugh about with them. Anyway Baekhyun's character was pretty funny, along with Luhan and Sehun~
Feel free to message me if you have any further questions.
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