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Author: Queentrelle--
Reviewed By: Uniquestel

Requested Date: 2/17/17

Review Completion: 3/22/17
Story Link: Link
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Bonus: (Your questions and focuses for us here)
- This isn't a question, but sorry for the late review. I was trying to finish off everything but I got stuck reconstructing the grammarization category. 
- Anyway, what type of character is Yuri? I had never really known whether she's the type to be a hopeless romantic or one who had never really been taught about romantic love before.
- Not prying or anything, but if she's not that socially active- how did she got friends who seemed like they're active for 24/7?
- Is Donghae always that kind? Doesn't he have a bad side or something?

Title: 10/10

Logical: 3/3

  Logically speaking, the title speaks for itself and the entire story. I like how the simple catchphrase you used had brightened up the entire story. It speaks entirely of what and how Yuri feels. Honestly, I can't find any other title for your story that matches perfectly like this one. It's one, great title! 
Eye-catching: 3/3
  It's alluring, really. It's such a quirky title that I can't hep but be curious myself. It isn't a title that can be easily forgotten. The title is definitely an eyecandy! Certainly, no one can scroll down the yulhae tagged-stories without taking a look of I'll Be Adored! 
Original: 4/4
  I had never seen a title like yours before. I can guarantee you that this is definitely the first time I have seen it. The title "I'll be Adored" is raw, fresh and totally original. 

Description/Foreword: 07/10

Summary: 3/5

  The description isn't really descriptive. It's more like a sneakpeek- a thought or an excerpt of what the story contains. That perfectly suits the foreword... but the description? Not so much! 
  First-perspective descriptions aren't really a norm since it's hard to describe things in that way. Third-perspective descriptions are more preferable, since it tells us who Yuri is from the outside rather than what Yuri is going to tell us about her on the inside. Instead of an excerpt from the story, a quotation or whatnot, why not try to describe the story? For example: Yuri is an extraordinary woman who doesn't seek for romance Nevertheless, finding her other half. However, when Donghae-- a gorgeous plot twist had entered her ordinary story, Yuri found herself loved... simply adored or something like that. It doesn't need to be long, just give the basic thing that we should know about the story and add a bit of allure into it. That's all there is to it. 
Appearance: 4/5
  I'll praise you greatly on this one! The links and credits aren't scattered about, and that's neat to see. The only thing I could pin-point here is the format of the characters [Donghae and Yuri's pictures in the foreword]. Looking at it in a desktop, it's totally fine. Still, users [readers] these days are more comfortable reading on their phones. Hence, most AFF users browse the site via phone. I understand that you write the story in the computer [desktop] but needless to say, we [as writers] must sometimes put ourselves in our readers' shoes. Like, will this be readable or understandable? Is the format not confusing?
  This is something that writers these days [as I have noticed] forgotten. No need to fret though, it's just one flaw. Fortunately, if you fix the format a bit, it'll look neater.
  I'm not going to focus on a mere mistake here. Let's focus on the good side: the description and foreword were written neatly. Everything is in place and there's no links [I repeat myself] scattered about. Good job!

Character Development/Showcasing: 06/10

Development: 3/5

  The only character that showed severe development is Yuri, your main character. From the start, I had always knew that Yuri would be a dynamic character. She has certain disregard for romantic love and isn't much interested in dating, and is more focused on her career-- however, this can't go on forever. There needs to be a little change so the 'romance' genre in the story can sink in perfectly. And so it sank. You did a great job in Yuri's development, by the way. I love the way she changed in the end. She even learned to notice her own mistakes [as she did so when she enumerated it to Donghae].
  Donghae, on the other hand, was neatly introduced as the nice guy-- a complete gentleman. While I expected Yuri to be a dynamic character, I had never expected Donghae to be a flat one. Donghae is classified as a flat character. He remained the same all throughout the end. For making his character entertaining though, I'll praise you again heartily. Most writers these days would go for a dynamic character as that entertains the readers more-- making them think on how much they will change. It is hard to make a leading character flat. Yet, you did it on writing Donghae and I'll say you did a good job. 
  However, entertaining still doesn't sink in with "development". While Donghae made me entertained 'til the end, we've got to admit, the guy appeared like a total Gary Tzu. No flaws, no negatives- entirely boyfriend material. He's technically perfect. Since it's a oneshot, I know that you can't actually write something to make Donghae's character develop some characteristics. However, I do wish you somehow written a short description of some sort about him. Anything! 
  Aside from that, nothing much. Yuri's friends are alright, but there's really no need to name a person if they're not gonna be that important to the storyline. Naming Sunkyu and Yoona is alright, since they had their roles to fulfill is understandable. Taecyeon, however- I don't know. Who's Taecyeon anyway? What's his role? Nothing much. See, you could just nickname the person like they do in dramas [for example, the detective in voice is called 'crazy dog' or something like that]. 
  Anyway, there's little things to modify but overall everything is quite great.
Relation/Cast: 3/5
  The relationship between Donghae and Yuri are a bit rushed, don't you think? Again, I understand that this is a oneshot but I need more description regarding Yuri's feelings. Yuri, to be honest, just talked about metaphors and philosophical things a lot, and while that is nice and refreshing, too much can just be irking. At some point, I can't understand what she is trying to convey about the way she feels about Donghae. 
  I mean, I do understand what Yuri's trying to convey but it's a bit hard to, hm... what's the term? I guess it's a bit hard to actually analyze everything. I advice you to limit her way of translating her feelings philosophically. There are other means to make chain of words prettier and deeper. 
  I love Yuri and Donghae's lovely relationship, but sometimes, I can't help but put a question mark into it. It felt so rush and Yuri being random sometimes confuse me.

Behind the Author's Mind: 28/40

Logical: 07/10

  Logically, I love the story! It's storyline is really good. I had read stories similar like yours before, and there are only a few of them on the Internet. I got really excited to read yours when I read the form. 
  I guess the only thing that didn't make it appear logical is the abrupt flow and the insufficient words Yuri said. 
Original: 05/10
  Originality wise, the story is a bit similar to a few that I have read. Of course, it is your own ik and words, bu stories these days keeps on growing and it's rare to find something unique. Hence, I don't even know when I saw a unique story in the Internet. 
  The story is between common and rare, so it's not so bad. In fact, I love this type of stories! With your own tone added on Yur's narration, you turned the scheme into your own. I sincerely love the way you wrote the story on your own color.
Tone: 4/5
  Yuri's tone is raw and fresh- it speaks clear and vividly loud. It approaches all readers, whether a teenager, approaching the adolescent stage or adult. It has a way of looking wise and strong. It speaks honestly and greatly.

Naration: 3/5

  The only thing I can pin-point on the narration is the way that Yuri doesn't make things a bit clearer. Philosophical translation might sound and look good, understanding it is quite hard. It's nice to insert it to a story, but not to an extent where the narrator forgets to make things clearer. The narration goes in this type of flow: dialogue - some philosophical statement - dialogue -- some philosophical statement. Over and over it goes like that. 
  The narration had turned into a cycle and that's not really a good flow. The narrtor has to have a stronger and straighter flow of narrating the story. While the tone is great, the narration is a bit confusing. 
Storyline: 08/10
  I think I repeated myself a couple of times here but I'll summarize it in here. The storyline isn't used much but you did great with it! I love the way you wrote it in the voice of a raw and fresh girl who has no interest in love. It breaks the typical female lead sterotype in a way.

Proper Use of the English Language: 17/25

Proper Grammar/Punctuation: 05/10

  One of the categories you told me to focus on is grammarization. This is my field, actually. I am a certified grammar Nazi. I'll write a lot about this one. Taken that English isn't your mother language, I'll tell you what you need to improve on.
  Let me tell you that the good thing about writing stories is that stories are an excemption to a few rules regarding grammarization (such as the rules of conjunctions and such). 
  Well, some sentences are choppy- pretty much sloppily placed in your story. Some sentences are sliced shortly and there had been a lot of misused punctuations on the storyline. Some sentences were missing its key points. Like, what's its main thought?
  You had a few problems with constructing the sentences. An example of this is the starting sentence of your story. While the start of the story isn't necessarily an "impactful" force compared to the , the beginning usually hypes the readers to continue on reading. A good starting sentence is a great way to start! While I praise you for the good start, I'll nit-pick your constructions. How can someone feel this alone sounds so odd, doesn't it? Like I said in a few categories, Yuri somehow talks without making sense. This is an example of what I said. I noticed that you used 'this'. Why? There wasn't a state or level of 'aloneness' written before the narrator's question. What type of being alone is the narrator talking about. Instead of using this, why not try reconstructing the sentence into this: How can someone feel so alone? doesn't that sound more proper?
  Let me copy the first paragraph of your story, okay? "How can someone feel this alone? I mean, I’m never the type who hungers for affection nor the type who feed on people’s attention. I could go months without talking to friends, literally shutting the world out my window pane. So how could this be? Have you ever had that episode, when you are okay. You are doing just fine when it happens like it’s suddenly the end of the world? Like bang, you’re hanging by a thread of your own creation that doesn’t even make sense anymore, nor does it suffice to make the wholeness of your soul at ease? It’s like the gravity no longer hold you in place, you are just floating, lost, adrift, and alone." So far, I don't understand a thing Yuri is conveying. I highlighted a few words that contributed to this factor. First off, I'll advice you to apply "parallelism" in constructing sentences. Never use to different tenses of verbs in a sentence. Let's rephrase your second sentence into this: I mean, I'm not the type to hunger for affection nor am I the type to feed on people's attention. If you're looking for a present tense for the verbs, however, you can rephrase it into this: I mean, I'm not the type that hungers for affection nor feeds on people's attention. If you're going to use present tense, use present tense. If you're going to use possible tense, then use possible tense and so on and so on. You might be wondering why I changed the 'never' into 'not', In the story, Yuri learned to yearn for people's affections-- and from the way things sounds, she's narrating the story like she's retelling everything. The reason why I removed "who" and turned it into "to" is because "who" doesn't really sound like the appropriate word to use in that sentence.
  Insert "for in "I could go months". "I could go months" sounds so different compared to the original thought of the sentence. Use a dash line or a semi colon for the comma. Change "out my window pane" into something else. It doesn't really make any sense. Connect the two sentences: Have you ever had that episode, when you are okay. You are just fine when it happens like it's suddenly the end of the world? You're asking one question, there's no need to split it into two sentences. Have you ever had that episode when you're doing okay then it abruptly felt like it's the end of the world? The sentence in green highlight doesn't have a complete thought. I'm not sure if it's even a sentence; it's not making any sense. I'll advice you to revise that one into something more simple. 
  The last sentence's highlights are highlighted according to their own accord. You should remove the "the" because it's totally unnecessary to put it there. Furthermore, gravity can stand alone, it doesn't need a supporting factor. Hold should be holding, since gravity is STILL [technically] holding you into place.. Comma should be changed into a semi colon, the first part is already an independent clause, it doesn't need a supporting clause-- it could, however, use a follow up clause. That sentence would end up like this: It's like gravity is no longer holding you into place; you are just floating, lost, adrift, and alone.
  I'll advice you to apply the tips I enumerated for the following contexts on your story. I admit, proofreading might be a little hassle, so I advice you to get a betareader or an app that can help you zip things up. 
  Let's talk about your punctuations now that we've finished talking about sentence construction. Your punctuations were a bit out of place. An example of what I am talking about is the story's third paragraph: And for the record; I've never been desperate to find my other half. Not even now. Notice the semi colon (;) that I highlighted after the sentence marker? I find that semi colon unnecessary for usage. Semi colons are used between two closely related independent clauses, provided they are not already joined by a coordinating conjunction. "and for the record" is not an independent clause. It needs a follow-up sentence (or another clause) to make it a sentence. A comma (,) would be more preferrable than a semi colon on this sentence. 
  I'll give you a tip. When you need to stop for a bit [but don't necessarily have to end a sentence] for about two seconds, a comma is necessary to used. Commas aren't just used in enumerating stuffs. They can also be used for a short pause. When completely stopping a sentence, a period (.) of course, is used. Periods' seconds of pause is about three seconds. Reading the sentences aloud when you type them is a way to determine what punctuation is necessary to use. It's an easier process that way.
  Grammarization is one of the hard things to keep up with the story, so don't think of this as a totally bad thing. Even native English speakers commit grammatical errors several times- remember, nobody's perfect.
  Like I said, I recommend you to proofread the story. If you're a bit busy, you can hire a betareader. If you can't find one, I recommend you this app: link. I recommend this to my friends and so far the feedback had been great. It teaches you on what part of a sentence should be corrected and such. It's like a technology-based grammarian. 
Termonology: 2/5
  Unfortunately, there weren't any big words or new words I had found in the story. The words there were pretty much average. Taken that English isn't your first language, I understand.
  I'll suggest you to widen your vocabulary. Reading English-written pocketbooks or learning a few words from the dictionary is a big help. A fun way to learn new words is watching English-based cartoons [that's actually how I've learned a few words that I haven't knew of]. Sky's the limit; in words, you just got to keep on flying and flying as you count the stars. 
Language Barrier: 09/10
  Except for a few necessary usage of Korean words for formalities (such as eonnie, oppa and sunbae), everything is pretty much written in English.
  I had never really like a story with half of its context written in another language. I mean, the purprose of writing an English fan fiction is to have a way to imagine our idols talking in a language that we have rarely hear them use. Too much Korean words (such as juseyo, jebal and stuff like that) really drags the story off if it's main language bis in English; especially when the words are used wrongly. 
  Kudos for not using any unnecessary Korean words, my dear friend! You did great!

General Enjoyment/Last Comment: 5/5
  Asiding the grammarization and every negative things I said in the corner for this moment, the story is great! Stories with this type of theme is rarely written in the Internet and I am glad to have reviewed one like this. 
  I hope this story gets recognized in the AFF community someday; I have the same wish for the author. God luck with your future words and I hope you blossom into one [even more] fantastic author! Good day! 

Total Points: 71/100