Roommates - SD1409
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reminder
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Bonus: Could you please focus on how well the writing is? As in, if it's something that people will want to read after reading just a little bit of it.
Like, how well I catch the reader's attention and make them want to read.
Grammar isn't that big a problem for me but could you also give me feedback on what kind of comedy and romance you would like to see? As in what you personally think could make the story better.
I'm sorry if any of that was confusing. PM me if you have any questions :) Thank you!!
Like, how well I catch the reader's attention and make them want to read.
Grammar isn't that big a problem for me but could you also give me feedback on what kind of comedy and romance you would like to see? As in what you personally think could make the story better.
I'm sorry if any of that was confusing. PM me if you have any questions :) Thank you!!
♦Feel free to message us personally with any concerns.
♦ thank you for choosing blk
reviews and for your patience! hope to see you visit again.
SD1409
request on: 07/26/15
REVIEWER: dhaatk
finished on: 08/02/15
score: 84/100
Title: (3/10)
LOGICAL (3/3) The chosen title is completely accurate and fits the story. Just as it predicts, the story is all about a group of roommates: their first meeting and rather complicated lives. So really, consistency wise, the title is chosen very well.
EYE-CATCHING (0/3) This title does not really appear as attractive. It just says “Roommate,” but so what? Bigger part of all readers might be lured to read this story more because of the characters than the title.
original (0/4) Literally no originality can be found in this title. Even if it is totally accurate, word “roommate” and its plural form have been used for stories a lot. The author could try combining “roommate” with some other word or make a longer phrase, for example “Fateful Roommate” or “My Roommate Is My Enemy.”
story's foreword/description (8/10)
story's summary (3/5) The summary provided in description feels like it is for two different stories. It would be wise to put the piece with showing that the protagonist Yura is a fashion model and only then write about hot new neighbour or omit this part completely. Because of this, the description is a bit messy, so it might not catch the attention of some readers.
appearance (5/5) The poster and the background are nice (especially the background). It is also great that the characters are displayed in the foreword. There is quite a number of them, so readers have chance to get acquainted with all characters beforehand.
characters (9/10)
character development (4/5) One of the things that is emphasized throughout the story is how Yura behaves differently, depending on the environment (school and work versus home). But this cannot be actually seen. It is constantly repeated how people adore Yura and think she is a good person, but she secretly despises everyone. However, there is something lacking in the text and this huge difference does not really show. What is more, there have been seven chapters published already and it would be about time for other characters to show up, especially two remaining roommates Hyeri and Sung Min. It is weird for them to never be home and not meeting new owner of the house.
character's relations (5/5) Interactions between characters are really good so far. Sojin and Yura may not be talking with each other a lot, but they seem to be close and in favour of each other's presence. Sojin is open-minded and rather relaxed person, so she can easily communicate with Yura and Mark. Speaking of those two, their developing relationship is the core of this story. Their bitterness towards each other is nothing new when looking at world of fanfiction, but it would be really interesting to see them becoming fond of each other and developing a deep friendship rather than suddenly falling in love in the end.
the author's mindset (37/40)
LOGICAL (9/10) The plot so quite logical so far, but there are a couple of unclear things. First, main characters are of legal age and it is weird for them to study in academy where they all have same classes like in school. If the general information about each character was not displayed in foreword, readers would assume that Mark was underage, thus his father getting him a house for gaining more responsibility seems reckless. Also, it is weird how in latest chapter Sojin brings home Younjae and introduces him as her “new brother.”
ORIGINAL (8/10) At times, the presented storyline is a bit off in sense of creativity. For instance, such scenes as Yura being taken to nurse's office is what happens in almost every story where characters attend school. More importantly, the fact that Mark suddenly transfers from America back to Korea and attends the same school as Yura is not very original. Of course, it might seem as essential thing for this plot, where Yura and Mark have to spend a lot of time together, but their arguments could happen solely in the house or other unexpected public places like a movie theater or some park.
TONE (5/5) Since this is a comedy, the tone is positive, thus it is also rather joyful, but informative.
NARRATION (5/5) Narration is really good, it has nice flow and reader can enjoy going through the text. Also, the story fits genre of comedy, especially in Yura and Mark's interactions. It is very amusing when Yura makes pancakes, but fails miserably, too. These little funny events make story humorous.
STORYLINE (10/10) Even though some events lack uniqueness or logic, the storyline is generally enjoyable. The major reason for that is the maintenance of comedy genre. Especially when Yura makes pancakes that look nothing like pancakes or when she mistakes Mark for a robber and hits him hard on the head with a pan.
proper use of the english language (22/25)
grammar and punctuation (9/10) There are no big grammar mistakes, only some probably accidental errors here and there. For instance, in first chapter there is a sentence: “You weren’t supposed to here that,” but it should be “hear” instead of “here.” Also, there is a bit messy sentence in chapter five: “He was about to put her down on the bed in the nurses office when his foot accidently kicked the rim of the bad and he lost his balance and sort of dropped her onto the bed with him on top.” Here is a suggested correction: “He was about to lay her down onto the bed in the nurse's office, but he accidentally kicked the rim of the bed with his foot and lost the balance, which resulted in him dropping the girl down and falling on top of her.” These and similar grammar mistakes could be easily fixed with same careful proofreading.
vocabulary (4/5) Choice of words is good, yet sometimes the wrong one is used. For instance, in the fourth chapter there is this sentence: “She wasn’t a big fan of gym but she didn’t like sports.” However, “but” is not appropriate conjunction here and it should be “and” or “because.” Nevertheless, interesting and somewhat entertaining word play could be found in some chapters. For example, already in first chapter, there is an amusing line: “His clothing style and the aura around him cried out rich.”
language barrier (9/10) It is easy to put up with Yura addressing Sojin as “unnie,” but at times Korean phrases could be avoided in this story. In first chapter, Yura eats “ramen,” which could be defined as “noodle soup” and watches “kdrama” that would look more appealing if it was written “Korean TV series” or “Korean television.”
Reviewer's enjoyment (5/5)
Considering all, I can say that I enjoyed this story and read current seven chapters quickly. There are some things that did not satisfy me (everything is already explained above) but I cannot say that this is a bad narration with terrible style of writing. It is good, but not perfect yet. Good luck with further chapters and other stories!
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