NOTE: 19/21 Chapters (Spoiler Alert)

(10/10) Title: I thought that the title fitted perfectly in with the story since it was written similiar to the fairytale itself. 

(6/10) Character: To be honest, I felt like no character in particular stood out. KyonDae and L.Joe were the main characters but they were "meh". Not really to my liking. Kyondae appears strong but she's so scared of the little things, like how she could lose her friends if she was any different and she knew she was different. And as I always mention to other writers, the main character needs to drive your story and keeps it interesting, while the side characters enhance it. I wasn't very fond of KyonDae's character, she seemed unreal to me. She appeared nice, smart, hardworking, yet she wasn't exactly all of those. One thing for sure was that she got more talkative, but why did it took her so long just to talk more around MyungHee and Myungsoo?

Here, we have Teen Top and MyungHee as the side-characters, I have no complaints here regarding MyungHee (you did well with her). However, Teen Top, why were they name Teen Top in the story? When clearly they were not a group or band of any sort that needed a group name. Beside Chunji from being the "silly" friend himself, none of the other guys stood out and that's a bummer since so many people like Teen Top. 

L.Joe, honestly I don't understand his character. He grew attached to KyonDae so quick that it felt rushed and awkward. I understand he had his reasons but.... His character wasn't exactly my cup of tea. And I felt like he lacked something but I can't pinpoint it. 

SoRa! At first I saw her on the cover (and I believe she's Lauren correct?) and I was super excited to read about her and her role. However, I was pretty disappointed. Not because she died, but she had no say in what she wanted to do. She was just there to be there it seems. She had no major role and character development. If people didn't like her or play with her then she didn't even stand out. AND I feel like she should have been more noticable because she was in almost every scenes, but she was always sleeping and whatnot. 

Myungsoo: I'm a big Infinite fan so when I saw Myungsoo as a character I got excited. Myungsoo seemed like the same character from the beginning to end, I had no complaints about him. 

MyungHee: I actually loved her in here, I could see her as the strong and supportive friend who wouldn't stand a chance to see anyone messing with her friend. (That's something I share with her.)

The step family: At first I thought they were cruel and evil at the beginning, but later I just figured they were messed up. Mentally. I thought you portrayed each step family member perfectly.

(9/10) Originality: The story as we're aware of is a lot similar to Cinderella with some changes made to it. I didn't think the story was really unique, however it was different to the point where it was interesting with good twists. I wished you have added more twists and ideas to the story though.... (I'll expand on what I meant by that under storyline.)

(30/40) Storyline/Plot: One thing that I dislike is when authors leaves author's notes in the readings itself. I feel like instead of pulling us the readers into the story and allow us to "choose" a side, you've set up who you want us to root for and who you want us to dislike and wanted for us to throw rocks at. Instead of telling us that "and it hurted like hell" or somewhere along the lines, express it more thoroughly. What is 'hell'? Did she feel like someone stabbed her, cut her, pinched her until she bled? Something more than the direct line "and it hurted like hell." I thought the pace of the story was slightly slow, especially since KyonDae can't get a move on why her friends was willing to stay and be her friends. 

There was no major twist in here that kept the story an interesting read. It was the same rountine over and over and over again. And when there happens to be a GREAT twist, it ended in less than four paragraphs. I thought when she finally got to meet her birth mother, they would be bawling their eyes out and hang out some more; to make up the time they've lost. But no.... They appeared as if they've known one another for a long time. 

And for SoRa's death, I thought it was a good twist too but it ended without any farther explanation. Especially when SoRa was a major character who impacted the whole meaning of the story, she was the reason that L.Joe became attrached and interested in KyonDae. Even at SoRa's funeral, I felt no real remorse from any character. Their father showed up and KyonDae, closed-minded as she was at the moment, kept pushing him away. 

And then the ending, L.Joe not coming back and whatnot. I like it, not every story has a happy ending and it played well into the title of the story anyway. It wasn't "Save and Marry Cinderella", it was "Saving Cinderella" and once she was saved then he vanished. Kudos there. 

For the plot, I'm not good with pointing out others plot but I'm guessing the death of SoRa was the plot. It changed KyonDae's character by a lot. She became more aggressive, demanding, and talkative. 

(17/25) Grammar/Errors: Aside from trying to use a variety of dictions to describe your story, it'll also be a much better read if the punctuation weren't spaced between words in the character's dialogue. One major issue I saw was your usage of too many loaded words that wasn't needed. Example: "However, instead of answering to Niel's question,...." The problem is the "to". It disturbed the pace of the story. Below are some advice that may have been repeated, however I did not put every sentence that needed changes down so I only pointed out what could be change and hopefully you'll be able to catch them when you proofread. IF you proofread. 

Words that needs your attention: 

1. sweats = sweat. Unless you're talking about the sweats as the pants then adding a "s" is the correct term. Sweat should have no "s". 

2. The differences between "then" and "than". Than is like an analogy, comparing and whatnot. Then more preferable to time and such. And I'll give you three examples:
Then: "If you wish to move then do so!" 
Than: "I like you more than her." 
Both: "If you like her more than me then move!" 

3. Of and Off. When I first saw "of" I thought it was just that you forgot another "f" but when I saw it twice I knew it wasn't a mistake in the first place. "First of dude," it needs to be "off" not "of" unless you say "First of all dude." More examples: 
Of: I often think of you. [VS] I often think off you.
Off: Turn that off! [VS] Turn that of!

4. actually vs. exactly (At certain places you put "actually" when it should be "exactly".)

"Errors"

Original: Three weeks earlier the five boys received a happy news saying that their friend who left for Australia seven years ago was finally returning home and maybe staying for good.

Suggestion: Three weeks earlier, the boys received happy news saying that their friend who left for Australia, seven years ago, was finally returning home and maybe staying for good. (It was a run on sentence, try to avoid those and choppy sentences. Since the sentence before already mentioned the five boys, you don't need to include five boys again. Hint: Instead of saying "happy news" maybe use "good news." I took out the a maybe a is singular, and "a happy news" sound awkward. If it was "a newspaper." Then "a" is necessary.)

Original: One minute he was sitting, the next minute he was standing and paced back and forth.

Suggestion: One minute he was sitting, then next he was standing and afterwards he would be pacing back and forth. (Since you already mentioned "minute" try to use different words to keep it smooth to read. I re-worded the sentence by a lot but I'm sure you can reword it into your own words and maybe even better.)

Original: They didn’t know where their friend was, fine. Then the least thing they could do was to call him right ? Since they believed that his plane had landed about two hours ago.

Suggestion: They don’t know where their friend was? Then the least thing they could do was call him right? Especially when they believed his plane landed about two hours ago. (Take out the loaded and unnecessary words.)

Original: L.Joe's dad and each of them gave him a hug. “You too, Mr Lee...." 

Suggestion: L.Joe's dad and each of them gave him a hug. “You too, Mr. Lee...." (Make sure you include a period after titles such as "Mr.," "Mrs.," or "Ms.") 

Original: Even though L.Joe and his parents left the country for seven years, but they paid for the maids to stay in the house and kept the house clean because there were times when L.Joe’s father will return personally due to business.

Suggestion: Even though L.Joe and his parents left the country for seven years, they paid the maids to stay and keep the house clean because there were times when L.Joe’s father will return personally due to business. (Avoiding the same words, avoid being too wordy. Or else tag "fluff" into your story.) 

Original:  “Nah, screw jetlag. I was really looking forward to see you guys and hang out together again.”

Suggestion: “Nah, screw jetlag. I was really looking forward to seeing you guys and hanging out together again.”

Original: “So hyung this is Niel hyung’s class and that’s the toilet and if you walk straight and turn right then you’ll see the cafeteria...” 

Suggestion: “So hyung this is Niel hyung’s class and that’s the toilet and if you walk straight and turn right then you’ll see the cafeteria....” (I always tell writers this, when you're going to use ellipse make sure you know how to use it correctly. Here you got it right, ellipse has three periods/dots but where is the period? If the same character is no longer going to continue then there needs to be a period or some sort of closing puctuation like question mark and exclamation mark.)

Original: So far, no one has accused her to steal yet and honestly no one knows anything about her except being aware that she is always here at least until two hours after school session ended.” 

Suggestion: So far, no one has accused her of stealing yet. And honestly no one knows anything about her except for the fact that she is always here two hours after school's session ended.” (This whole paragraph was awkwardly structured. So I reworded and took out certain unneeded words.)

Original: “PARK KYONDAE !!!!” A woman’s voice yelled instead of called. Her scream could have caused the neighbours to hear but lucky for her their house was a bit further from the other neighbours' houses. However that didn’t mean the neighbours next door didn’t know what was going on in that house. It was already a norm in the neighborhood that there was a house that was filled with screaming and yelling and cursing.

Suggestion: “PARK KYONDAE !!!!” A woman yelled instead of called. Her scream could be heard by the neighbours, but lucky for her their house was a bit further from the other houses. However, that doesn’t mean the people next door didn’t know what was going on in that house. It was already well-known that within the neighborhood, their was a house was always filled with screaming, yelling, and cursing. (Same advice, less wordy, don't keep repeating the same words. Choose different nouns to describe others.)

Original: “Where the hell is the rest of the money for your salary last month ?!!

Suggestion: “Where the hell is the rest of the money from your salary last month?!! 

Original: “They ... left me outside when it was raining last night. I was drenching the whole night.”

Suggestion:  “They...left me outside when it was raining last night. I was drenched the whole night.”

Original: She didn’t really talk to others and the person she talked to the most was MyungHee and yet she didn’t really say a few sentences much.

Suggestion: She didn’t really talk to others and the person she talked to the most was MyungHee, yet she barely say much. 

Original:  Why does everyone looking at them like they are aliens ?”

Suggestion: Why is everyone looking at them like they are aliens?” [or] Why is everyone looking at them as if they are aliens?"

Original:  Everyone in the cafeteria nodded their heads as a sign that they agreed and believed everything that came out from the twins’ mouths. 

Suggestion: Everyone in the cafeteria nodded their heads as a sign that they agreed and believed everything that came out of the twin's mouths. (Twin = two people already so you don't have to put the "s" after the apostrophe; unless you're talking about more than one set of twins.)

Original: ChunJi was with Cap on the phone asking him where he was meanwhile Ricky had to go and help ChangJo and Niel to carry the food.

Suggestion: ChunJi was with Cap on the phone asking him where he was, meanwhile Ricky had to go and help ChangJo and Niel carry the food.

Original: ....You, are such a useless man ! You spend your whole money on alcohols and gamble as many as you please !!....

Suggestion: ....You are such a useless man ! You spend all your money on alcohols and gamble as much as you please!!.... 

(2/5) Overall Enjoyment: As I mentioned before, I got super excited to read the story. Just because it was Myungsoo, Lauren, and Teen Top (especially L.Joe) but when I read the first chapter I lost interest.... And I'll admit it had to do with grammar, the grammar threw me off the story. I'm recommending using spell checkers on Microsoft word, or some sort of docs that correct grammar. You'll find the little errors that you can learn from and change. 

I upvoted this story because it's one of those few stories where the title and storyline ties well together. So it deserved a vote for that. I honestly knew you had something great going, it just wasn't my kind of story. (Not your fault of course.) But I wish I could have enjoyed it as much as I wanted to. 

(72/100) Points Total

Bonus: Your questions and focuses for us:

Grammar Mistakes: Under grammar/error

Did I get the emotions or messages that you were trying to portray?: I feel like this story was definitely a sad one, but did I get the emotions you were trying to portray? Yes, however I was not touched by it. The messages were clear and direct before before the second to last chapter explaining about the whole point of the ending and whatnot. If you were to expand the death scenes of SoRa and her meeting with her mother then I'm sure it would have made me cry (not that I wanted to cry lol). I also didn't feel like KyonDae and L.Joe had any feelings for one another, they did just because the story said so. But there was nothing really romantic that could lead them there, I mean they could have the same relationship that KyonDae shared with Myungsoo, the sibling relationship. Instead, they somehow liked one another. I think that part of the emotions you wanted to portrayed was rushed.

Here's one thing I want to share, if you ever feel like wanting to write a good sad scene, make sure you cry as you write it. If you cry then usually your readers will cry as well. That's how I do it.

Thank you for choosing BLK Reviews and for your patience! Hope to hear from you again!

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