blk Shop

Home

GETTING STARTED

Archieve

OUR PREVIOUS WORK

Staff

ABOUT OUR STAF

Rubric

MORE ABOUT HOW WE GRADE

Author: Emilieee
Reviewed By: KaihleeLo

Requested Date: 1/09/16 (Start Date: 2/25/16)

Review Completion: 3/1/16
Story Link: Link
Reminder: 

- Feel free to message me personally for any questions or clarification 

- Don't forget to credit us with our banner/logo 

- Thank you for choosing BLK Review Shop, hope to see you again!

Bonus: (Your questions and focuses for us here) 
Character development - under character development/showcasing
plot  & flow - in details "Behind the Author's Mind"

Title: 8/10

Logical: 3/3

The title was mentioned near the beginning then near the end, but I could see how it fitted the rest of the story line.  
Eye-catching: 2/3
I wouldn't have read your story if all I came across from the title. Perhaps a proverb, noun, or some another word could help make it more of a catchier title? 
Original: 3/4
I wouldn't say the title is original or overracted, but it's not very impressive.

Description/Foreword: 9/10

Summary: 4/5

The summary doesn't hook me as much as I'd like. In fact it's more informative rather than you trying to lure in readers. I find there are quite a few grammar mistakes and the sentences were poorly structured so it took me a few time to actually got what was being written/said. Instead of telling us what happen, try to make it interesting for readers to want to press the 'next' button and read chapter one. Often long and detail summaries scare away readers, thus they don't even give the story a chance (even if he's a great story). Here are some points I'd suggest (for future references) not to use when it comes to story summaries: giving away too much information, including too many fluff terms, not hooking the readers/viewers, and random info. By random info I mean why should we as readers care about whether or not Iseul consider Baekhyun an idiot or not? And why should we care why she doesn't plan to change that definition willingly? (I'm sure it has everything to do with the story, but a summary is like a conclusion in an essay paper. Right when you're closing the essay you don't want to insert random points/facts to confuse your readers, cause then now you'll have to explain your new ideas.) Or least include that Iseul has a habit of creating defintions based on her sole judgement? Since every chapter sort of have a word and it's meaning of defintion? Then again it didn't seem like she created those definition so....

Below is the original summary and my idea of how to keep it shorter, and maybe even hooking? Of course you as the author of your story has every right to ignore my suggestion. 

Original: After her parents’ unexpected fatality in a car crash, Han Iseul lived her life in what ifs, putting extra caution and care into every turn. To her, life was a fragile thing, and it was to be treated as such. 

After his parents’ unexpected fatality in a car crash, Byun Baekhyun lived in the moment — he didn't care about tomorrow, never took responsibility for his past actions. It was only now that mattered to him. He acted on impulse; regret wasn't in his vocabulary. He didn’t want it to be.

So when seeing Baekhyun, drunk, risk his life in a ridiculous dare of scaling the wall of a private property, Iseul wonders if she can detest someone more than this- someone who is throwing their life on the line for something so stupid, treating life like it's a joke. She has an immediate definition for him. Idiot.

And she doesn't plan on changing that definition.

...at least not willingly.

Suggestion: Two unexpected fatality took the lives of four parents, leaving two children as orphans. Since then, she (Han Iseul) lived her life in what ifs and taking extra precaution at every turn. Since then he (Byun Baekhyun) lived in the present, not the past nor the future. To Iseul life is fragile and should be treated as such. That's why when she first meet Baekhyun, in her eyes he is an idiot, simply because he is putting his life on the line for something so stupid. Something... (maybe give a hint or idea of what was so stupid here).

Appearance: 5/5
It was well organized and the appearance was rather easy and simple to follow through.  

Character Development/Showcasing: 4/10

Development: 1/5 

First off, I may sound rude and harsh throughout the rest of the review, but just know that it's my take on the story and how my insights could possibly help you improve. Don't take anything to heart, I'm not here to insult your work. 

Character sustainability was probably the major issue here. Sure characters do go through changes and developed, but your characters 180 degree character change is unreal. People can't really change their old ways, but to see how your characters did it, it just felt so unreal and off. Ill be discussing each and every character, and especially the main ones. 

First off Iseul. When the main character is unlikable, it makes it even harder to read the story in his or her POV. In this case, yes I'm talking about Iseul. Her personality and how she carry herself is just surreal. Though I can understand and see where she is coming from, I still think it's insane how she thinks she has the rights to make judgements she claim to be logical. She's in the position of a stranger where she knows nothing about the other person, yet she jumps to conclusion and tries to resolve unrealistic cases. For one, I don't know why she even approached the group of drunk teenage boys. If what she said is true, any normal person would have either avoid it because the homeowners would possibly take care of it themselves. Just because Iseul was fearless at age five, I don't see why she has the need to attempt heroic acts. If life was really that precious to her then why would she approach danger? I mean if a group of possibly drunk boys are trespassing then doesn't that call for danger? Also, it's not like Isel grew up saving people through her beliefs, so why was she starting it now? I couldn't stand Iseul when Baekhyun was literally coughing and shivering besides her, yet all she cares about was "how did his parents die?". Like why do people die or how do people die? Why was she so curious? I know she possibly has her pride, but come on, a male coughing in your living room and you're not the slightest worried that it could woke your grandma? Especially when there should only be two females in the house?Also it sounded like Baekhyun coughed for a good two hours so what was Iseul thinking? She's also quite more bratty than I expected....What make her an irritating character was her stuck up personality. Sure it could have been a charming trait, but the way she sees some things is just irrationl. She claims and is shown to be a bright student, yet other than the fact that she kept pointing out that spiders are not insects, I'm not sure how well she studies or care for her studies at all, since she tends to show off, but there's no details with her going on about her education and the bright future she spoke of. All she seems to care about is Baekhyun? Like she mentions everything about him afterwards and nothing about her surrounding seems any more important? Otherwise her wittiness is quite an attractive trait in the cliche concept stories you're aiming for. 

Though I admit Iseul's character has developed over the course of knowing Baekhyun, I can't say she's anymore likable. Also she started to cuss more after becoming closer to Baekhyun, that showed her somewhat true colors (which is realistic). Also I found her less annoying to read much, much later on. I think if the transitioning of them becoming friends were different than I would have loved it more. That being said I'll jump into Baekhyun.

Baekhyun does dangerous acts in the beginning because he wanted to get his brother's attention. I found him quite emotional and sensitive for a 18 year old male. (Not saying he can't be emotional or sensitive). But he holds grudges against his brother for the past few years. Ad it sort of triggered me as "okay, move on Baekhyun". I don't like his character any more than Iseul, but I found him stablized as a character. Though I can't understand his actions and his surprisingly drinking habit. For all I know minors drinking are often looked down upon, but Baekhyun is quite well known and famous even at school. Also I don't know why Baekhyun is such a smart student all of a sudden for someone who drinks often, I mean alcohol sorts of kills the brain cells doesn't it?

Relation/Cast: 3/5
I thought it was a good idea not to include all EXO members, you did well choosing your small cast. However, that doesn't excuse the poor characterisitc of some other. Iseul lives with her grandma, but we barely know anything about her. Iseul, a girl who sound like she would stay home a lot is always out and about. Jihyun who is supposedly Iseul's good friend is nowhere to be seen except through phone calls. Other than her family owning a hotel and she's probably a troublemaker (in order to be grounded), we don't really know their relationship and what's it's like. 

The focus on Baekhyun and Iseul is too big that we barely get to know why the side characters are really of any importance. Other than Chanyeol being Baekhyun's good friend, and Baekbeom being Baekhyun's brother (who  made his first appearances in chapter 18) is the main cause of Baekhyun's reckless, fearless actions. I feel like the people around Baekhyun is more important to Iseul for some reason. When in all honestly I wonder why she's not closed to her grandma when she sound like a decent grandmother? Not sure, it's already 19 chapters and her grandma is still a stranger....

Behind the Author's Mind: 30/40

Logical: 10/10

As this is a slice of life and fluff story, I'd say I can't really grade this portion using logic. Since all of it were possible events. 
Original: 7/10
I wouldn't say the plot and storyline is any more original, and as you said this was supposed to be a clich with twists and turns. To be honest, I haven't found those twists yet. 
Tone: 5/5
The tone of the story was steady and smooth. 

Narration: 3/5

There's nothing wrong with first person POV, but sometimes choosing to take the incorrect POV could kill the quality and or character of your work. Because the story was told in Iseul's POV we knew exactly what her thoughts were and such, but it seems that the character you wanted to portray of her was destroyed through her different personality from the POV. 
Storyline: 5/10
What was so mind boggling was the fact the Baekhyun and his friends were drinking, and especially Baekhyun was a heavy drinker, in High School but it didn't strike Iseul as why on earth were high schoolers drinking? I think the story would have made more sense if the setting was set in college or life after high school. I'm not sure why a drunkard like Baekhyun even attends school...? Something also strike me as odd, like why does the tutoring session takes place on the weekends? Why not on a day after school where new learned materials would be fresh in their minds?  

Also I find it strange that both Iseul and Baekhyun have a need to connect just because the death of their parents were similar. Statisically, road traffic accidents or car crashes are one of the top causes of death in South Korea, besides suicide and diseases/health issues. Iseul and Baekhyun made it seem like they were the only ones who had went through losing their parents in two accidents. Also because of their actions, we're assuming they were both very closed to their parents, however, the relationship between each family were probably different?

However, after Iseul and Baekhyun got closer, their interactions did blossom and went on naturally and casually. The story was predictable and each scene was well described to the point where I could imagine them happening. However, none of the scenes really excited me or stirred any of my emotions because the flow was at the same pace and there were no plot twists. Not always a bad thing, but if you planned to twist the clich, I thought more twists would hae done your story more justice. 

Proper Use of the English Language: 22/25

Proper Grammar/Punctuation: 9/10

I noticed the usage of dashes were overused and unnecessary. Also the story is already told in first person POV so there wasn't really any need for the extra detail info. in parenthesis. Those are usually done and used as Author's Notes. 

I also noticed the using of repetition. You tend to repeat the scene using different worded sentences. It's like I got your point the first time, but then you re-worded the same thing basically in a new sentence down the line. Try to flush out that kind of habit by writing your thoughts across simply and cleanly. There's no point re-telling the scene using different or even similar words to describe it.

Just to be picky, slangs like kinda, sorta are improper. I suggest writting it out "kind of" and "sort of". 

  
Termonology: 4/5
I noticed you using the term 'spit' when it should be saliva since spit is is more for saliva that has already or is leaving the mouth, or ejected from a person's mouth. There were minor misused terms, but nothing too major. In fact you had a wide variety of vocabularies used throughout so it made the story an easier read. So for example one cannot choke on their own spit, unless they spat it skyward and tried to catch it with their mouth then choke on it... And if it's not someone else's spit that they choked on then it's saliva..

Language Barrier: 9/10
Normally I don't mind when authors use Korean expression or words, because after all it may and would sound better in Korean. But to do my job as the reviewer, I highly recommend not using any Korean words, (like hyung) all because the story is written in English and it's a fact that the story and character happen in Korea, so of course if it was a film then they would be speaking in Korean. But that's not the case,. At times, even readers would find themselves stuck on those random insertion of Korean words. Some may not even understand the word 'hajima" for example if they are not familiar with the Korean language. And for the sake of it, just leave everything in one language. Unless it's a genre that requires another language via fantasy stories, etc. 

General Enjoyment/Last Comment: 2/5
Your writing style is beautiful, just for some reason I couldn't like Iseul so it made reading slow. But as I said, it did start to get more interesting halfway through during their tutoring session. Other than Iseul, if the story focused more on Iseul's life rather than just her moments with Baekhyun, I may have liked it better. I understand Baekhyun is the main male lead, but there's not much to know about Iseul....Everything was usually left to the assumption and imagination of the readers. For example, she gets good grade but as I mentioned the only subject she seemed to like was Chemistry. Otherwise I don't know other subjects are she taking or how was she doing to college hunting...Or why wasn't she ever worried about financial problems...? Will she ever work, etc?

On the side note I also read up on all of the possible reviews you have goten for the story, in case I repeat what another reviewer has said. I find that a lot of the points made weren't changed in the story. So I found myself repeating some of what has already been stated. I highly encourage you to make those changes (it will be difficult, seeing how far you've come into the story), but if not  change then I supposed keep them in mind for future references. 

Total Points: 75/100