Story Pick Up: 

My Everything

Note: 12 Chapters (Spoiler Alert)

Character: (7/10)

I'm disturbed by Eunji's personality, I can't tell who she is. She's someone who's too vague and is too out there. Readers may assume she's strong and powerful, then weak and a soft-hearted person, then a genius, and then someone who's too emotional and then someone who's too childish. I don't know but I can't pinpoint her personality. All I know is that she isn't focused, she tends to be distracted by her surroundings and the people around her. Though she may be tough with Seungho, she's also a very emotional person towards her peers. For example jumping in and started attacking her classmates when she could have handled it in a more 'tom-boyish' way. I know a lot of tomboys who would not pick a fight with any other girls, cause they hate the drama. But Eunji feeds the drama. 

However I love the way the characters react to each other, especially Seungho and Eunji's relationship. They understood and truly love each other. And though they both so hoped that they look at one another in a more 'lover' way, they often denied that. For example Eunji has always wanted Seungho to love only her, to see her as his via to be her man, but then again she'd be unsure of it and denied that that was the case. 

Baekhyun and Sohyun were loyal friends, in fact it was strange to see that they could both easily predict Eunji's past. And the way that Baekhyun was already tied to Eunji's past, through his grandmother, was somewhat unbelievable. Then again it's a fiction so I can't blame you. It's also strange to say Sohyun's mother hated Eunji when Eunji and Sohyun has been friends for a while. 

Anyway why I deduct more points here is the fact that the sudden invasion of characters suddenly started pouring in without any signs. Therefore, when they were introduced, it was strange to accept the idea. Especially Eunji's mom being alive and well. Then the one guy who resembled Seungho a lot. who was Jisub. 

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Originality: (9/10)

I wouldn't say the story is original or a fresh idea but the mini-twists did make it your own story. The only problem was that it's so predictable.

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Story-line/Plot: (35/40)

The storyline and plot were thought out and planned, however, I'm starting to wonder whether the story makes any sense or in what kind of world do these characters live in? Why is living with a single father weird and strange? Why does Eunji feel that it's right for her to love an older man and especially one that is her teacher? And what got me was the sudden coma Seungho suddenly entered. It disturbed the pace and flow of the story. I think the story needs more work with mystery-like events, but I'm not complaining, it's great the way it is either way. 

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Grammar/Errors: (15/25)

Vocabulary was strong but grammar in general was weak, I strongly recommend a beta-reading. First off a lot of terms were mis-used and place in areas where it made no sense. The descriptive adjectives was especially lacking in this sense, for example, to become acknowledged when there was no signs of acknowledgement. Acknowledgement is more of a positive term, but when it's used when a character is especially angry, it just doesn't flow. Past and present tense were thrown in altogether making the pace of reading difficult. 

Dr., Mr., Mrs., all of these needs to be capitalize. It's a formal title to one's position.

Also the usage of "Yeah!" tends to be a distraction to the reader. Eunji saying "Yeah!" during her story-telling is kind of....meh..... I also noticed that when you want to emphasize on certain words you tend to CAPITALIZE the whole word. What I suggest is that you keep it proper and just italicize it. That way it's not read as if someone's YELLING. Here's an example of both, you'll find that the italicize one is smoother to read. 

Capitalize ex: I SO wanted to be HIS. (This looks messy....And capitalizing are better used for acronyms such as SM Entertainment, NASA, PITT, etc)

Italicize: I so wanted to be his. 

I didn't fix any thing since the story had disabled text selection on, however, by getting a beta-reader I'm sure they can easily help you with each little mistake. 

And if you will I suggest rewording your description. At BLK we don't do desription and foreword, but I do recommend you tweak it a little so it'll be more interesting. For example here's what I have: 

"I owe him my life. He took me in when those who were supposed to be there for me were absent. He is my parent, my sibling, love, and simply my everything. I can't recall anything before age five but that he was present and what I was told by him. That my parents' identities were unknown except for the fact that he adopted me. He was also unsure of their whereabouts and whether they were alive or dead; not once did I thought of them, because having him was enough for me." 

I don't know, somewhere along those lines. 

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Overall Enjoyment: (3/5)

I really do love the plot of where the story is heading and especially the cast, but if it was less-predictable and had more plot twists or build ups to those twists, along with the usage of proper grammar, I believe this story would have lured in more readers. And I would have loved it even more. I do enjoy it but the way it was written in first person's POV really turned me off, just because I tend to dislike those. And because it was first person's POV, it kind of ruined the mystery feel of it. As Eunji is too straightforward with her thoughts and they usually turn out to be 'correct'. 

To be honest I skipped around quite a bit cause I found myself bored most of the time, especially with the same cycle of Eunji expressing her thoughts and feelings for Seungho and her teacher. And the very fact that Jisub remained a mystery even when he had no real purpose to do it, makes almost little sense to me. Sure, maybe he wanted Seungho to learn his lesson but after eleven years? I think it's enough the first year around, as it's harder to raise a kid than a teenager. (In my opinion, it can go either way.)

Otherwise, I think I've gotten everything down.....And congratulations on your very first completed short story! Not many people can complete their works xD 

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Total Score (69/90)

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Bonus: *Your questions and focuses for me*

Actually I wanted to ask you, I personally think you can do better with the character list by including a character chart. So if you'll like I'm up to making you a free character chart, but if you wish to request one from more professional maker then do as you see fit~ I just think it'll make your story's foreward looks much better, in terms of organization.

But here are some examples of character charts I've attempted for myself:
http://i.imgur.com/Tt9YwIq.jpg

http://i.imgur.com/2aPJ4wA.png

http://i.imgur.com/Bqba5EB.png
 

Feel free to message me if you have any further questions.
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