Behind Closed Curtains

Reviewer: dhaatk
Review for: kpopotakuXD

Requested on: 01/28/2015
Finished On: 01/31/2015

NOTE: 4 Chapters (Spoiler Alert)

(10/10) Title: You get maximum for the title, because it is original and accurate. Even though not much story has been written yet, the reader can sense upcoming tension and relation between the story and its title. Also, a lot of people use expression “behind the closed door”, so it was smart of you to chose “curtains” instead of “door”. Moreover, the chosen word suits the story better as you speak of musicians, spending most of their time on stage.

(7/10) Character: There are so many characters that most of them are pretty bland and don't differ from each other enough. This often happens when there are more than 6 characters and writer wants to focus on all of them. I suggest you give the biggest portion of your attention to three or four characters only, the others being there just for their presence and not giving them an important role. What I liked, regarding the characters, was that already in the first chapter you showed a difference between two main roles – Sunggyu and Woohyun. Even though it was just about skinship, how one enjoys doing it, while the other despises the action, I got a feeling that it will have a sequence later in the story.

(8/10) Originality: Stories about two idols hating each other but falling in love over the time is not something one can call original, but I think this story has potential and it might result differently, so that's why I'm giving you a lot for originality. To add, I favour the title too.

(35/40) Storyline/Plot: The plot so far is not very exciting and haunting. It surely is not bad, but it lacks some real action. There also were a few illogical and unrealistic situations. First of all, Hoya lying down onto the bed next to Sunggyu in order to wake up the latter seemed unnecessary. He could have shaken the sleeping guy real hard or even poured cold water on him. That would have been far more realistic. Next, not all group members had to be present in Woohyun's side, when he got discharged from the hospital. Usually the manager or a group leader is enough to help the sick groupmate. The last confusing thing was the missing practices of Woohyun's group members. They surely could have practiced even without one member and I think it happens all the time in the kpop idol world. Other than that I think the storyline is not bad and there are many more things coming up in the future.

(15/25) Grammar/Errors: I remember reviewing your other story and to be fair, your grammar skills had not changed. There are less mistakes what concerns Present Simple and Past Simple tenses, but regarding other aspects – it is really not good. I have noted some errors from these first four chapters but that's far from everything. I once again suggest to get a patient proofreader, who would help you to improve your grammar skills. Also, your native language is German, right? I once again found some useful sites and will display them in the end.

Chapter 1 – “from a another room” – “from another room”;
“Sungjong was one of these guys” – “Sungjong was one of those guys”;
“After some minutes screaming for Sunggyu to hope that he would wake up any seconds<...>” – “After some time spent shouting Sunggyu's name, hoping for the other to wake up<...>”;
“would begun” – “would begin”;
“your not going to wake up” – “if you are not going to wake up”;
“his sight begun to get clearer” – “his vision became clearer”;
“choose to sat” – “chose to sit”;
“in actual fact” – “in fact” or “actually”;
“Only s knew that he have a crush” – “Only s knew that he had a crush”;
Chapter 2 – “they didn't liked each other personality” – “they didn't like each others' personalities”;
“they could begun” – “they could begin”;
“As the two then decided to sat down” – “As the two sat down”;
“looked very serious at everyone” – “looked at everyone with a serious expression on his face”;
“he was scaried because of the leader” – “he was afraid of the leader”;
“they debut was” – “their debut was” or “they debuted”;
“with a slightly smirk” – “with a slight smirk”;
“kept sang” – “kept singing”;
Chapter 3 – “They didn't had any clue” – “They had no clue”;
“supposed to be inside” – “was supposed to be inside”;
Chapter 4 – “the young guy read that happening on the newspaper” – “the young guy read about the incident in the newspaper”;
“decided to sat down” – “decided to sit down”;
“kept said” – “kept saying”;
 “you couldn't practice probably” – “you couldn't practice properly”;

Here are the sites. Please don't just brush it off and do take time to go through them all. I spent my own time finding these sources, because I really want you to improve.
if-Sätze [1] – especially pay attention to Typ III and will und would in if-Sätzen, [2], [3] ;
Present/Past Perfect [1], [2], [3], [4], [5], [6], [7].

(1/5) Overall Enjoyment: All in all, this is just not my story. I highly doubt I would continue reading after first half of first chapter, if I found the story by myself. I think I liked your other story more.

(76/100) Points Total

Feel free to give any further questions.

Please don't forget to credit our shop's logo in your Foreword.