He who longs the sun - aibeast
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AIBEAST
REQUEST ON: 7/21/15
REVIEWER: BLACKROSESTEARS
FINISHED ON: 8/21/15
SCORE: 93/100
TITLE: (9/10)
LOGICAL (3/3) - YOUR TITLE MAKES SENSE IN CONTEXT WITH THE STORY. AND THERE IS ALSO A CONNECTION WITH THE STORY THAT SHOWS WHY YOU USE THE SUN AND THE SENSE BEHIND IT.
EYE-CATCHING (2/3) - I LIKE THE TITLE AND THINK IT IS EYE-CATCHING BUT I HAVE TO SAY THAT WHEN I FIRST READ IT, IT LOOKED GRAMMATICALLY WRONG FOR ME BECAUSE IT IS "TO LONG FOR STH.". SO IT WOULD MAKE MORE SENSE IF THE TITLE WOULD BE "HE WHO LONGS FOR THE SUN" OR "HE WHO IS LONGING FOR THE SUN".
ORIGINAL (4/4) - I HAVE THIS HABIT TO LOOK UP IF THERE IS ANOTHER STORY WITH THE SAME TITLE SO I DID IT WITH THIS STORY TOO AND THERE IS NO STORY WITH A SIMILAR TITLE AND I LIKE THE WAY YOU CAN INTERPRET THE SUN IN THE TITLE AND FIND A CONNECTION TO THE PLOT AND EVERYTHING.
STORY'S FOREWORD/DESCRIPTION (10/10)
STORY'S SUMMARY (5/5) - YOUR SUMMARY OF THE STORY IS SHORT AND DOESN'T REVEAL MUCH, JUST THE MAIN CHARACTERS AND WHAT THE STORY IS ABOUT. YOU GRAB THE ATTENTION OF THE READER WITH IT BECAUSE HE/SHE WANTS TO KNOW MORE. WHAT IS THE MEANING BEHIND THE GUY HAWOL CAN MEET ONLY WHEN THE SUN IS GONE? AND YOU MENTION A MONSTER, WHAT KIND OF MONSTER IS IT? ALL THESE QUESTIONS CAN ONLY BE SOLVED WHILE READING THE STORY.
APPEARANCE (5/5) - YOUR FOREWORD IS ORGANIZED WITH THE SUMMARY OF THE PLOT AND A LITTLE NOTE OF THE AUTHOR.
CHARACTERS/CASTS (9/10)
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT (4/5) - FOR THE FIRST EIGHT CHAPTERS THAT YOU POSTED NOW IT IS HARD TO SAY THAT THERE IS AN BIG CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT. I LIKE HOW YOU REVEAL THE CHARACTERS BIT BY BIT BECAUSE I COULD UNDERSTAND THEM AND HOW THEY BEHAVE. I LIKE HOW YOU DON'T BRING HWANUK UP FROM THE BEGINNING AND HOW HAWOL FEELS SOMETHING FOR HIM BUT CAN'T REALLY POINT IT OUT. HWANUK IS A MYSTERIOUS CHARACTER SHE HAS TO GET TO KNOW FIRST WHICH YOU SHOW PRETTY GOOD JUST BY REVEALING HIS SECRET TO HAWOL.
CHARACTER'S RELATIONS (5/5) - I LIKE HOW THE CHARACTERS TALK TO EACH OTHER AND ACT TOWARDS EACH OTHER. FOR HENRY FOR EXAMPLE I AM NOT SURE IF HE FEELS NOT MORE THAN JUST PURE FRIENDSHIP OR AS A BIGGER BROTHER FOR HAWOL BECAUSE HE REALLY CARES FOR HER WHICH GIVES ME THE VIBE OF A BROTHER BUT THE WAY HE TALKS, I JUST CAN'T HELP BUT TO THINK THAT HE MAY HAS A CRUSH ON HER.
WITH HWANUK IT IS AN INTERESTING RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE THERE IS SOMETHING GOING ON BETWEEN THEM, HAWOL SEEMS TO DEVELOPE FEELINGS FOR HIM BUT HIS MYSTERIOUS VIBE AND SECRETIVE CHARACTER COULD STAND BETWEEN THEM AND THE STEP TO BECOME A COUPLE. BUT IT IS GOOD LIKE THAT BECAUSE IT WOULD BE WEIRD IF THEY WOULD JUMP RIGHT INTO THE RELATIONSHIP FROM THE START JUST LIKE THAT.
FOR HAWOLS MOTHER I CAN'T DECIDE IF I LIKE HER OR NOT BECAUSE SHE CARES FOR HER DAUGHTER BUT SHE IS NOT REALLY GOOD AT SHOWING IT, SHE SAYS THINGS THAT HURT HER DAUGHTER WITHOUT WANTING TO HURT HAWOL. BUT YOU WROTE THAT THEY DIDN'T LIVE TOGETHER BEFORE THE DEATH OF HAWOLS FATHER SO THAT ACTUALLY MAKES SENSE BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T HAVE OTHER CHILDREN BESIDES HAWOL AND YOU CAN'T BE A GOOD MOTHER WITHOUT EXPERIENCES.
THE AUTHOR'S MINDSET (37/40)
LOGICALLY (10/10) - IT IS A FANTASY STORY SO IT IS HARD TO RELATE TO THE FACT THAT THE GUY IS SOME SORT OF MONSTER BUT I WON'T TAKE POINTS AWAY FOR THIS BECAUSE IT IS FANTASY AFTER ALL. FOR THE ROMANCE PART IT IS EASY TO RELATE TOO AND ALSO TO THE FACT THAT HAWOL CAME INTO A CITY AFTER SHE LOST SOMEONE IMPORTANT TO HER AND HAS TO START NEW BUT MISSES THIS PERSON REALLY MUCH AND WANTS TO GO HOME.
ORIGINALITY (8/10) - THE STORY WITH A FORBIDDEN AND DANGEROUS STORY IS NOT REALLY NEW BUT I LIKE THE WAY YOU DEAL WITH IT BECAUSE IT REMINDS ME OF THE BEAUTY AND THE BEAST.
TONE (5/5) - THE STORY CHANGES BETWEEN BEING LIGHT AND POSITIVE AND MYSTERIOUS AND BEING DANGEROUS. IT MAKES SENSE IN CONTEXT WITH THE PLOT AND IN CONNECTION WITH THE SITUATIONS.
NARRATION (5/5) - THE POV IS NOT REALLY FIRST PERSON BUT WE SEE THE THINGS WITH HAWOLS EYES. YOU STICK TO THAT AND DON'T CHANGE IT EVERY CHAPTER WHICH I LIKED BECAUSE OF THE WAY YOU DESCRIBE HER FEELINGS REALLY DETAILED AND INTERESTING AND RELATABLE.
STORYLINE (9/10) - SO FAR THE STORYLINE IS SMOOTH, THE FLOW IS GOOD TOO. IT IS GOOD AND INTERESTING THE WAY YOU WRITE IT AND YOU DON'T MAKE THE PROGRESS OF THE STORY TOO FAST AND RUSHED. ALSO A BIG POSITIVE POINT IS THAT BESIDES DESCRIBING THE FEELINGS OF HAWOL DETAILED YOU DO THE SAME WITH THEIR SURROUNDINGS TOO. I REALLY LIKE THAT BECAUSE IT MAKES EASIER TO IMAGINE THE STORY WITH PICTURES IN THE HEAD OF THE READER. BUT I ALSO HAVE TO SAY THAT SO FAR THERE WAS NOT REALLY SOMETHING IN THE STORY THAT LEFT A DEEP IMPRESSION IN MY HEAD. I AM CURIOUS ABOUT THE FUTURE OF THE STORY AND HOW YOU WILL CONTINUE WITH IT.
PROPER USE OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE (23/25)
PROPER GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATION (8/10) -THE PUNCTUATION WAS GOOD OVERALL, THE GRAMMAR ALSO BUT SOME LITTLE MISTAKES ARE STILL THERE. SO I POINT THEM OUT BELOW:
WHAT WAS SHE THINKING, THEY'VE ONLY MET FOR A FEW DAYS AGO.
YET, AT THE SIGHT OF HWANUK'S RANDOM GIGGLES BURSTING OUT OF NO WHERE (NOWHERE), SHE REALISED (REALIZED) THAT THIS MAN WAS A LOT DIFFERENT THAT (THAN) WHAT SHE HAD IMAGINED.
TERMONOLOGY (5/5) - YOUR VOCABULARY IS GOOD, YOU DON'T USE THE SAME WORDS OR PHRASES TOO OFTEN.
LANGUAGE BARRIER (10/10) - YOU WROTE ONLY IN ENGLISH WITHOUT KOREAN AT ALL (AT LEAST I CAN'T REMEMBER THEM SO I AM SORRY IF THERE ARE SOME) SO THEIR IS NO OVERUSE OF KOREAN WORDS.
REVIEWER'S ENJOYMENT (5/5)
SO FAR I ENJOYED YOUR STORY AND I AM CURIOUS ABOUT THE FUTURE OF THE STORY BECAUSE I LIKE THE PLOT. YOU DO A GOOD JOB THERE. I TRIED TO ANSWER ALL YOUR FOCUSES BUT IF YOU STILL HAVE A QUESTION FEEL FREE TO PM ME.
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