Ruining & Rising - treedumpling
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treedumpling
request on: 08/20/15
REVIEWER: dhaatk
finished on: 09/22/15
score: 77/100
Title: (8/10)
LOGICAL (2/3) It is not hard to see the connection between title and the story itself. All six main characters are constantly building and breaking their relationships. However, these two words do not seem to work well together. The second word could be changed to something else, perhaps “reedifying,” so the title then would be “Ruining and Reedifying.” Also, probably easier modification could be done to the first word and another version of the title then is “Falling and Rising.”
EYE-CATCHING (2/3) The chosen title might appear a bit too general for some readers. It is not quite clear who is ruining what (or who) and also who or what is rising (and from what). Some additional words could help out.
original (4/4) Of course, there is quite a number of stories with a title that has the same meaning. However, this particular choice of words for the title has its perks for there have not been any other story with exactly the same title.
story's foreword/description (9/10)
story's summary (4/5) The description is really good, because it shortly presents each character and gives clues to what the actual story might be about. However, the text is really heavy and clumsy, so it disturbs the flow. There is no smooth transition from one character to another. This might be fatal for some new readers, because they could not want to continue if the text is hard to follow from the very beginning.
appearance (5/5) There is not much to comment about story's appearance. It is rather neat and simple, but well organised. Poster appeals to the story and also the light shade of background is very nice.
characters (9/10)
character development (4/5) Character with probably the most intriguing background is Kyungsoo. At first he is extremely mysterious and even with this secrets spilled out, the reader stays engrossed with this character. Maybe the strangest thing about Kyungsoo is him being “stuck” in high school, a place where he does not wish to work. Anyhow, it is laudable that all six main characters are totally different and even if their names were not displayed, it would be obvious how many people are taking part in the story. Yet, there were a couple unsatisfying things, considering characters. First, it was totally out of character when Sehun kissed Luhan for the first time. He is portrayed as way too shy and cautious man, for whom to take the first step is highly unlikely. Then, Jongdae's character was quite a disappointment. It is undeniable that he has had a great impact on Kyungsoo's current life and personality, but bringing him back to act as an actual character was rather unreasonable. Speaking of newly-introduced characters, creating Taemin was a great move. Not only because the story did not actually have an antagonist, but this character brings new colour into the whole narration.
characters relations (5/5) The best relationship is between Luhan and Kyungsoo. It is not demanding, but full of understanding as well as concern. Of course, they both bicker as crazy sometimes, but their intentions towards each other are always only good. Jongin and Kyungsoo's friendship and developing romantic relationship are entertaining. Also, it is super cool how there is constantly emphasis put on their way of always telling how they despise each other, even though as the story goes on they both realise those words are not true.
the author's mindset (31/40)
LOGICAL (8/10) Most of the time, there is a reason for every event. However, some rationality is lost when Kyungsoo so easily admits to Jongin that he can read minds. It is super easy to always lie and the situation that Kyungsoo found himself in that moment was of those, from which it is not complicated to get out. Speaking of this mind-reading thing, the story just screams for explanation behind this. Why did Kyungsoo develop such power, when he was a kid? It is not one of those things that could be explained simply as “just because.” There must be a legit reason. Also, another memorable confusing scene was in the twenty-sixth chapter. Jongin asks Kyungsoo to take him to school, because “[he] came to the school that I wanted my high school life to be as normal as possible.” In Jongin's situation, it is more normal for his manager to give him a ride to and from school, than for one of his teachers to do such thing.
ORIGINAL (9/10) There is only one scene that stands out as super super cliché and it can be found in chapter thirty-four. There is a sudden thunderstorm, therefore Chanyeol must spend the night at Baekhyun's place. As if that is not enough, they sleep in same bed. The need of putting these characters closer so that they could spend more time together is completely understandable. However, there are many other ways to achieve that.
TONE (4/5) It is a bit hard to understand what tone is supposed to be expected in this story, because it keeps shifting from mysterious sort-of thriller to romantic comedy. The genre should be set more clearly so that the tone would be easily picked up on.
NARRATION (3/5) Due to grammar and vocabulary mistakes (explained in section below) and a couple of confusing events, narration becomes bumpy and the flow is not steady enough. At times, it is tough to get author's idea and what they wanted to depict.
STORYLINE (7/10) Generally speaking, it is not like there is a load of loopholes in the plot or that is is totally illogical. It might seem like this review is going into too many or maybe random details, but those details make up the plot and storyline overall depends on them.
proper use of the english language (18/25)
grammar and punctuation (6/10) First and foremost, it must be said that using Past Tense would be more preferable than Present Tense. The later is more suitable for short texts and Past Tense is more appealing to long stories with a lot of chapters. What concerns grammar in general, it would be recommended to find a proofreader. For now, here are some mistakes picked out:
- Ch 1 – “He asks Kyungsoo who is cleans stacks of paper off his desk by putting them in plastic boxes” – “He asks Kyungsoo, who is cleaning his desk and putting stacks of paper in plastic boxes;”
- Ch 3 – “If you stalker fans have the decency to spy on a human-being like this, you literally have NO lives!” – “If you, stalkers, have courage to spy on a person like this, you literally have no lives!”
- Ch 21 – “Was Jongin involved with this?” – “Was Jongin involved in this?”
- Ch 26 – “Why do you have a bruise by your lip?” – “Why do you have a bruise on/under/above your lip?”
- Ch 34 – “he can read the immense restlessness from Baekhyun's face” – “he can see the great restlessness in Baekhyun's face;”
- Ch 36 – “more close” – “closer;"
- Ch 38 – “Yes, off of a sidewalk” – “Yes, from the sidewalk.”
vocabulary (3/5) There are some nice word plays, for instance, in the fourty-first chapter there is a sentence “The fire in his soul is burning him alive” and it is really good. But just like with grammar, there were some vocabulary mistakes for the wrong words was used. Again, here are some examples, but for future references it would be appreciated if the author paid more attention to the use of words:
- ch 1 – “the teacher all students think is a child from Hell” – “the teacher that all students think to be a child from Hell,” but the usage of “child” is questionable here. “Demon” or just “man” would sound better;
- “The sharpness in all of his syllables doesn't hesitate to give her shivers down her spine” – syllables cannot hesitate. One of the ways to change this sentence would be: “The sharpness of all his syllables makes her shiver;”
- Ch 32 – “I don't want to catch flies” – “I don't want the flies to come in here;”
- “you have to really prepare for the concert after that bandage is deleted from your back” – “you have to prepare for the concert after the bandage on your back is removed;”
- Ch 39 – “Luhan stays silence as his eyes are completely expanded” – “Luhan stays silent, his eyes widening;”
- Ch 45 – “His curiosity meter is too high right now” – “the level of his curiosity is way too high at the moment.”
language barrier (9/10) It cannot be contradicted that there were no Koreans phrases used. Because of that, it could be thought that there was no language barrier. However, due to only fair grammar skills and vocabulary, some places might be hard for the readers to comprehend.
Reviewer's enjoyment (2/5)
Personally, I had very hard time going through all 63 chapters. The only thing that kept me going was the fact that I had to write a review for it and in order to do so, I must read everything. I cannot really explain what caused such reaction from me. Perhaps I was not engrossed into the narration because it had three different pairings, which had their own storylines that it did not look good enough when put into the bigger picture. Anyways, I see your story has been featured already, so congratulations and good luck with further chapters!
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