Story: Longing For You (Shounen Ai)

Requestor's Username: SeptemberRsin

Reviewer's AFF Name:  

Date Received - Date Completed: 1 August 2014 - 1 August 2014

NOTE: This story is Shounen Ai but not Rated M

(10/10) Title: Great title for a sweet story. Everything that happened in the story is because they longed for one another, so the title is a PERFECT 10/10.

(9/10) Character: The characters were developed enough to understand each of their personality. They love each other too much, that one wants to leave to make the other happy.

(10/10) Originality: The story's feelings are straight forward and gets across to its readers. The longing of wanting to be together forever as well as wishing for your partner's happiness, just beautiful.

(34/40) Storyline/Plot: The storyline/plot is short and simple, but the many errors made it a little difficult to read. The pace that the story progresses at is good. A good amount of details. Opening the story with a letter was a great idea, and ending the story by closing the worries written within the letter with "don't ever doubt my love" was splendid.

(15/25) Grammar/Errors: The choices of words are good, and got better in the second half of the story. Need to work on tenses, making sure it's past or present. The story is missing some small words like 'the', missing some commas, and missing apostrophes. There are plenty punctuation errors and need to work on parts of speech. Using Microsoft Word would fix most of these errors and boot your score up.

(5/5) Overall Enjoyment: I really enjoyed the story! It's such a great story, so it's sad that the amount of errors prevented me from reading smoothly. Easiest way to fix this problem, is to use Microsoft Word. The story is sweet, and I can feel how deep the love was that they had for each other.

(83/100) Points Total

Bonus: Your questions and focuses for us:

Grammar: for further explanations to some of the errors
*I mean no offense, but you requested to focus on grammar, so I will use an example to better clarify what I'm trying to say.*
Example: "How we will played together with the snows?" 'will' expresses the future and it's followed by 'played' which is past tensed. Work on using one tense to make reading run more smoothly. Although it may not be incorrect, 'snows' should be 'snow' for a better flow. It works either way, but sounds better without the (s).
Some words are plural that shouldn't be. In chapter 2 (Sequel) I spot many sentences that doesn't begin with a capital, as well as no commas between quotes. Hopefully I was of some help, and I apologize for my way of explanations.

Storyline: I'm sure the reader can understand that chapter 1 is the letter, but I suggest beginning with something like "Dear Yunho-yah," to point out that it's a letter. Since this is a one-shot story, having a decent storyline is difficult, but I think you pulled it off. You got from point a, 'the letter,' to point b, where they stayed together in the end.

Feel free to message me if you have any further questions.