NOTE: (Spoiler Alert)

(3/10) Title: Quirky for a present-day NYT Bestseller; stale and hackneyed for an AFF fan fiction. Even if it was considered original, there would still have to be some kind of ambiguous connotation present. However, if you really have no room for dilly-dallying, keep it succinct but captivating. Two words at most.

(5/10) Character: The sentence structure and jumps from topic to topic really threw me off, so I wasn't able to get as good of a grasp on the characters as I'd wanted to. The constant use of metaphors and dragged descriptions was actually counterproductive—instead of bringing out more emotion within the reader, it reduced the intended effect considerably. By the end, while I was able to identify the internal conflicts and resolve experienced by the two main characters, there was no true emotional potency that allowed me to experience any genuine sense of closure. At times, it wasn't even clear who the character of focus was.

(4/10) Originality: The story itself is overly dramatic to the point where it's hard for the reader to empathize with the characters. I appreciated your attempt at extensive description in order to evoke greater emotional impact within the reader; however, you went overboard with both the sentences and the vocabulary. A lot of them come off as being superfluously contrived, but the simple phrases that follow in an attempt to generate a "flowy and simple" feeling to the story make it just as awkward. There is no true continuity, along with a noticeable lack of transitions. But I do give you credit for your introspective analysis of the characters. Just pull back on the dramatic streak.

(25/40) Storyline/Plot: 

A good idea for a chance to really elicit that sobbing sympathy from the audience, but awkwardly paced, with no natural flow or continuity. The buildup is too dramatic. Emotions clashed and jumped from place to place. Transitions are key to making the reader understand that "jump" of feelings without being conspicuous.

Detailed analyses regarding the sentence structure and fluency have already been completed through the other sections of the review, so I'll end it at this.

(10/25) Grammar/Errors: 

Tense is generally consistent; however, you have many comma errors. Diction is also very awkward in some places, a lot of them having to do with the way you worded the metaphors. I advise that you be fully aware of the context in which a word or phrase is used before putting it in your story.

I sympathized with you better after reading that English was not your first language, and I applaud you for your rapid progress. English really is pretty complicated as a language: there are so many "proper" ways to word things, and it's irritating to keep track of them all. But you managed pretty well, especially considering the language barrier.

(2/5) Overall Enjoyment: It wasn't a bad experience, by any means, and you have the budding talent of a future promising writer. With the right training and practice, I'm sure you'll grow faster than anyone else on here. I can tell from reading that you're a deep thinker who strives to instill emotion within her characters, and I support you for doing that.

(49/100) Points Total

Bonus:

If other reviewers read this, many would probably categorize it as being much higher up in the scores. I apologize; I'm an extremely harsh grader, nor am I naturally good at giving compliments. But I'm definitely interested in seeing you grow as a writer. I'm anticipating your progress over the next few years. Becoming a good writer takes more than a few months.

Thank you for choosing BLK Reviews and for your patience! Hope to hear from you again!

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