Precious Haru

Reviewer: dhaatk
Review for:  KaihleeLo

Requested on: 10/21/2014
Finished On: 10/27/2014

NOTE: one-shot (Spoiler Alert)

(8/10) Title: I'm giving you just eight, because it may seem original at first, but there are actually quite a lot stories, that are named “Precious” with a random name. But the title actually represents the story's content, so it's not a bad choice.

(7/10) Character: Since Haru is the main character and is well-written, it pulls the other characters. Haru is a young girl and you did a good job portraying her from thoughts to actions. What caught my eye, however, was that you used too difficult words, when talking from Haru's POV. That also concerns sentence structure, because children really don't talk like that. You should have made a bigger difference between the way Haru and the narrator speak. Talking about minor characters, I think you could have managed without Yoogeun and his father. Their roles seemed out of place and like it didn't really have anything to do with the main plot and one-shot is too short kind of literature to have more than one storyline. Oh, and Haru's grandmother... what a terrible woman, I can't even... I mean, I just can't understand how can a woman ask her granddaughter to die, it really seems vicious, but giving it a better thought I guess there indeed are people like that in real life. I have mixed feelings about Doctor Kwon, too. He looks quite unprofessional, considering his flirt with his patient and behaviour around her husband. Both Haru's parents aren't out of ordinary, they think and act like every parents in this kind of situation. Even their fight in the end was in it's right place.

(10/10) Originality: Of course were are films and books about dying children and their family members being the donors, but I haven't come across a story where the child is the donor and he or she ends up committing suicide, so I'm giving you all the points for originality.

(39/40) Storyline/Plot:  I think the plot isn't very lacking and the flow is good. I just had one question in the back of my mind throughout the whole story. Can a child really be a donor to an adult even if the adult is their parent? I mean, children organs are considerably small, so can they properly function in a grown-person's body?

(23/25) Grammar/Errors: There were barely any grammar mistakes, but here are few I managed to spot:
“what came next is very important” (was … important)
“when I and Snow Beary walks” (walk)
“he look up” (looks up)
“Whatever grandma was going to say, I can tell she is nervous. When Grandma becomes nervous she doesn't speak very well and she would rub my hands like she is now. I saw her swallow and again she spoke,” okay, so here the usage of tense is terrible, it should be either past simple or present simple, so I would write.“Whatever grandma was going to say, I could tell she was nervous. When grandma became nervous she wouldn't speak very well, but rub my hands like she did that time. I saw her swallow again as she started to speak”. And then again it is confusing at “Grandma suddenly starts crying and it became hard to watch.” (“Suddenly, grandma started crying and it became hard to watch”) as well as in “Grandma shook her head and asks me to save Mama again” (“Grandma shook her head and asked me to save Mama again”)
“Papa cried when Mama is sick” (was sick)
“we'll get marry” (married)
“I'll like a world with” (would like)
“hospital turn upside down” (turns)
“the doctor step forth” (steps)

(4/5) Overall Enjoyment: All in all, the story was good and enjoyable, just the few things I've already discussed were a bit troublesome.

(91/100) Points Total

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