Pediatrician Couple - ilamarshmallow
BLK's Review Shop ACHIEVE
Reviewer: dhaatk
Review for: ilamarshmallow
Requested on: 11/23/2014
Finished On: 11/27/2014
NOTE: 12 Chapters (Spoiler Alert)
(10/10) Title: I didn't find another story on aff or any piece of art (fanfic, novel, tv series and etc.) with same title. So it is original and on top of that – accurate.
(10/10) Character: I guess the main focus goes to Chaewon and Joongki, so I concentrated on them. I think they both are written well, because a reader can grasp all their personality traits and set a picture of the characters in their mind, which is a very good thing, though sometimes hard to achieve for a writer. What concerns minor characters, I think you played well with them being there but not having as big role. Everyone, from patients to nurses, fall into their places and do what story requires them to do. Though I suspect Haeyeon to have a bigger role in the future.
(8/10) Originality: I don't find the idea of colleagues falling in love (even doctors in a hospital). Yet, I was able to enjoy the story due to other factors being original.
(35/40) Storyline/Plot: Neither plot or flow were lacking much. Probably the only thing that cut off a big portion of good storyline was the short arranged marriage between Joongki and other woman. This event was unnecessary and really did not add any bonus points to the story overall. However, there were a few things I liked a lot. First of all, Joongki's attempts to confess to Chaewon were very well-shown, as the situations were funny but cute. Also, the friendship between two main characters make the reader engaged into the whole relationship. They become curious and emotionally caring for the characters, which is a very good thing for you, as the author. And before I forget, when Joongki said to the waiter “I want a cup of Moon Chaewon’s love”, I cracked up so much I almost cried. Finally, the plot twist is great. What I am talking about now is Haeyeon being Joongki's daughter. I can already see the major drama coming, when Chaewon finds out about the relationship between her new boyfriend and one of his patients. This finally creates tension that was a bit missing in the beginning. I understand your main focus being to make Chaewon and Joongki start dating, by showing that they really are good for each other, but only after ten chapters, you manage you create true tension. It is not the best thing that can happen to a writer, because if there is no tension, then readers tend to stop reading.
(13/25) Grammar/Errors: Now, to say this plain and short – your grammar is terrible. You really need to find a proofreader, who could help you out. Here are some of the mistakes I've spotted in first two chapters:
Chapter 1 - “I don't want to go to another blind date anymore” – “I don't want to go on another blind date” or “I don't want to go on blind dates anymore”;
“The last one was worst than ever” – “The last one was worse than any other before” or “The last one was the worst I've ever been on”;
“How was your date went?” – “How was your date?” or “How did your date go?”;
“what a coward man” – “what a coward” or “such a cowardly man”;
“They had reached at third floor” – “They reached the third floor” or “They arrived at the third floor”;
“Ah, we've reached” – (not to repeat “reach”) “ah, we are here” or “Ah, we've arrived”;
“he turned to his back” – “he turned his back”;
“kidding around” – “fooling around”;
“What can I help you?” – “How can I help (you)?”;
“He made my heart raced so much” – “he made my heart race so much”;
Chapter 2 – “Chaewon taken aback” – “Chaewon was taken aback”;
“The pieces of the glass go through his front body” – “go” should be changed to “went” or “got”;
“Chaewon opened her closed eyes” – “Chaewon opened her eyes”;
“The earlier scene kept flashing into her mind” – “the earlier scene kept repeating in the back of her mind”;
“her name was called” – “her name being called”;
“she was never been held by a man” – “she had never been held by a man”;
“She was completely blank on what Joongki talked about” – “she was completely oblivious to what Joongki was talking about” or “She had no idea what Joongki was talking about”.
(4/5) Overall Enjoyment: Even though the big amount of grammar mistakes made it hard to read, I find the story captivating enough to keep my interested.
(80/100) Points Total
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