NOTE: one-shot, two chapters

(10/10) Title: Great title, it was a good idea to link it at the end of the story.

(8/10) Character: I am confused, is Luhan suppose to be a idol in this story. She made me dumbstruck when she said, "Hello there, I'm not a sasaeng fan or whatever." I get it if you meant it as an inside joke. Although many authors tend to accidentally put their own emotions over the character's emotions. I guess it was good that I couldn't understand her character.

(9/10) Originality: Right from the start, I expected them to be living out in a tent or something mobile. I did not  expect them to be so normal and casual, but scary and serious people.

(38/40) Storyline/Plot: At the beginning, you skipped the part where she had tried to hide the bread from her mom. Wow, Luhan was so interesting in this one. He surprised me. I thought everything was to abrupt, but then I realized you had to make it a short story.

(22/25) Grammar/Errors: Your wording is awkward. By awkward, you either use a change in time sense, or use small unecessary words(although many do this in descriptions). You should try to reword or change wording. Your largest problem is time sense, reread to check if the sentence makes sense. Universally, in conversations, when they are written out, they should be seperate paragraphs each different person. They should not be bundled up in one large paragraph. That way, they can not confuse the reader on who is speaking. You may have not paid attention when you wrote, "rains." It is a automatically plural word that does not need to be pluraled. The word, "parent's," if you meant it plurally, it would be,"parents' ." Most people are not sure about that.

(3/5) Overall Enjoyment: I like the parts when she sarcastically points out that her family robs banks and areas.

(90/100) Points Total 

Bonus: The secret is to catch the reader in the setting and how you want to play it.

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