blk Shop

Home

GETTING STARTED

Archieve

OUR PREVIOUS WORK

Staff

ABOUT OUR STAF

Rubric

MORE ABOUT HOW WE GRADE

Author: exoismyoverdose
Reviewed By: KaihleeLo

Requested Date: 11/07/15

Review Completion: 11/08/15
Story Link: Link
Reminder: 

- Feel free to message me personally for any questions or clarification 

- Don't forget to credit us with our banner/logo 

- Thank you for choosing BLK Review Shop, hope to see you again!

Bonus: (Your questions and focuses for us here)

Anything - All are listed on the right

Title: 9/10

Logical: 3/3

The title and story has everything to do with one another. 
Eye-catching: 3/3
I'd say the title is eye-catching, if I was to browse a list of stories I may as well check out this one due to its title. Because for one, I'm very interested in wolves and like you, they are one of my favorite animals. 
Original: 3/4
Though I love the title, I wouldn't say it's original. Since a wolf theme and EXO tends to be link and tied together, you'd want to go for an even more powerful and more interesting title. Honestly I would have suggested "A She Wolf's Revenge". I admit, it's interesting to see "A Wolf's Revenge" cause then it intridges the readers of which wolf you're refering to. But if you add in a she-wolf, it will also draw in more attention (in my opinion), because often we do not get to read about a she-wolf in an EXO wolf story. They're always the wolves and she the human. 

Description/Foreword: 7/10

Summary: 2/5

You can do better with a less fluff and more concised summary. If you kept your summary short, I'm sure it could have captivated more readers. And a con of having longer summaries is that you'd tend to make more grammical mistakes, so keep it short. 

Here's on way I'd suggest you edit (by color coding):

blue - my notes

red - the correction I suggest you use or try

black - yours 

*Instead of saying specialises for every character, I suggest titling the whole section. EXO/Jeonsa's Specialities: 

-Sehun: specialises in running speed

- Sehun - speed

-Kai: specialises in memorising things

- Kai - memorization

-Kris: specialises in scents but thinks he specialises in art

- Kris: Scent or art [if you put or, it may intridge readers. Like why 'or' and not 'and art'? Then in the story you can go on about why Kris thinks he's art.]

-Xiumin: specialises in strength

- Xiumin - strength

-Tao: specialises in wushu

- Tao - Wushu

-Lay: specialises in medical things

- Lay - medicine

-Luhan: specialises in mind reading

- Luhan - mind reading

-Kyungsoo: specialises in technology and hacking

- Kyungsoo - technology and hacking

-Baekhyun: specialises in lying

- Baekhyun - lying

-Chen: specialises in persuasion

- Chen - persuasion/compelling

-Chanyeol: specialises in Hapkido and Taekwondo

- Chanyeol - Hapkido & Taekwondo

-Suho: specialises in academics

- Suho - academics

What bothered me about the summary of the wolves was the fluff and 'uncertain' facts. By uncertain facts I mean words like "pretty much". Be direct with us, what can and can't they do? What are they possibly capable of? Below is  your summary of the Sunsuhan, I wanted to give you an example of what I would do with your summary, in order to keep it interesting and concise at the same time. (However, I won't be giving you an example of the Jeonsa, that way if you find my example helpful then you can do as you please with the Jeonsa, and at the same time keep it similiar to my example).

Example: 

Sunsuhan are pure white furred werewolves—with piercing blue eyes—they are beautiful in both human and wolf forms,

They are great at what they do and has special powers, such as telekinesis and mind reading. They also heal at a rapid speed and unaffected by the Jeonsa's powers. Before their kind was murdered, they were the most powerful creatures on earth. But due to the Sunsuhan's lower population, they were easily outnumbered and soon on the edge of extinction, leaving only one survivor to carry on their kind.

It's a bit shorter and I've rewordered certain sentences and leave out fluffy words. Either way I suggest your beta reader help you with your summary (if she/he hasn't already). 

Appearance: 5/5
The overall appearance was consitent, easy to follow, and easy to look at. I love the layout for the chapters. 

Character Development/Showcasing: 5/10

Development: 4/5

So far we haven't seen any development though we've been told how Eunyoung has matured throughout her lonely years alone. How she overcame life on her own after escaping from the orphanage home and how she dealt with the loss of her brother. Otherwise I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and say I'm sure she'll start to grow and change as the story progresses. Since we're only at seven chapters, it's difficult to judge her development nor any other characters right away. 
 

Relation/Cast: 1/5
Honestly I'd say the cast was poorly in terms of character planning. We have EXO as our counter leads yet we know nothing about them except their powers. However, I won't mark you down for this since the story was seen through Eunyoung's eyes majority of the time. Though you can always enhance the characters as to how they stand, act, like, dislike, etc. 

I think your cast was too big and as you've mentioned, I'm guessing their roles wasn't properly thought out and instead created as the story goes. I suggest you create a character chart for yourself, list their likes, dislikes, hobbies, what makes them different other than their powers, their traits, their appearances. How and why are they considered 'playboys' through Eunyoung's eyes? 

I'd say the relationshop and cast overall feels flat. I'll start off with Eunyoung.

All we know is that she lost her brother at 13, and it wasn't until her brother's death that she went on this reckless, revenge act. As a 13 it makes sense if she's pissed and wanted to hurt her brother's murderers. But in a sense she has no real plan of how to beat them or when. Sure, she's torturing them in the moment, but what else can she do? In fact it's hard to like her, personally. Eunyoung is too perfect. She has no flaws whatsoever. She who was worried about being alone at school turned off a girl ust by her scent, I mean not every girl who sleeps around is immediately a bas person. I mean who knows, she could have been a good friend? But Eunyoung's instant behaviour toward the girl was unlikable. I mean yeah she's cold, but why couldn't she just turn away? Why did she have to speak in such a manner to the girl who was only trying to befriend her? (Of course I don't know the full story, I mean the girl could have approached Eunyoung just to use her, but I'm assuming things here.) And then Eunyoung, who hated the attention, decided to attend school? But under what identity is she attending school as? I mean wouldn't the school has a file for her? Wouldn't they wonder how she enrolled into school without any guardians? I mean it's high school so she's underage right? 

I'm not sure why the Jeonsa's are called EXO, but their relationship seems flat. They uses each other powers for their own good. For some reason their focus on Eunyoung was too much? I mean they only appear to make Eunyoung look more important, otherwise they don't seem all that good as the only 12 survivors of the Jeonsa pack. I mean they all appear so weak(?) in front of Eunyoung. 

However, I did like it how the wolves specialties were played out well throughout the story. For example, Kris, who has the ability to smell sense Eunyoung first in the woods, then in art he considered himself a great artist, and appeared to be so. 

Behind the Author's Mind: 30/40

Logical: 7/10

I can't understand why EXO or Eunyoung would attend a human school. In Korea, if you don't go to school even as a minor, there's no true consequences except that you may not be able to hold a high paying job career. It's not like America and such where the parents or child would be somewhat punished for not having their child attend public, private, or home school, since schooling is a must in America. 
Original: 10/10
The story's idea is pretty fresh in my opinion. As I've said before we don't get to see a she wolf against EXO. I like the idea of Eunyoung being her own independent wolf against the 12. 
Tone: 3/5
The author tone can only be heard when the story is only in second or third POV, cause the first person POV is most likely the character's tone. But since there were so many switches with POV, it honestly damaged the author's tone.  

Naration: 3/5

The switch of narration from first to third person throughout the chapter is odd and awkward. Try to keep it either in only first person or third. In one paragraphic I remember you writing in the femake lead's POV then all of a sudden you wrote 'her' as in she's now being watched by us readers as a third person POV. Usually I don't mind POVs but I do dislike it when I see how it's always changing. 
Storyline: 7/10
The story was super choppy and quick paced in the beginning. It wasn't until chapter five when I was starting to get into the story and really liking it. I love the details of Eunyoung transforming and out on the hunt, in that scene you really took into account her surroundings and how she used it to help her. Then again I question why they would be hunting as werewolves, since they may possibly prefer cooked over raw food? Especially EXO who goes to school and eat human food during lunch? 

I did not understand the teacher in Eunyoung's first day of school. What teacher oblige to a student's request regarding a self introductory? Even the students in the class didn't wonder who she was, which threw me off. Then all of a sudden she was to take a test with the rest of the class, and it's interesting how the teacher never questioned whether she was alright with it or not, on her first day.

The believability of the storyline is rushed due to poor planning thus the whole story rarely makes sense. In fact it comes off as odd. I strongly recommend going back and adding more details to the surroundings. It would also bring out Eunyoung's character if some of her plan were revealed. Like how could she have beaten Suho who's specialty is acadamic? Did her brother teach her the ways of the humans? What was the specifics of the test? Elaboration is key.

Proper Use of the English Language: 20/25

Proper Grammar/Punctuation: 7/10

For this part I've read your other review by pikakaehimesama, and I suggest you follow with what she've mentioned. "Should of" as she said should be should have. Would of as would have. As long as you did what she've said then grammatical is the least of your worries. 

Any numbers under ten needs to be spelled out, unless it has to do with time. 

Termonology: 4/5
Certain terms were incorrectly used. For example you'd say somewhere along the line that she 'calmly says' but use an exclamation mark in her dialogue. That doesn't help nor show her calmness. That then creates an awkward read for the readers. 
 

Language Barrier: 9/10
As the story is written in English, it's also habits of us fans to use Korean words. So far you've only used Oppa, which can easily be transferred to Brother. So I'd suggest using brother instead of oppa. 

General Enjoyment/Last Comment: 3/5
I wish I could have enjoyed this story more than I did. But the story raised for questions than it did answers. (Though I'm sure most will be answer in the later updates)I've read many EXO fics with the wolf theme but yours definitely stood out. In fact it makes me want to write a wolf story myself. I believe it was intering of you to come up with the story, but if you had planned it out before writing it, I'm sure you would have made it a lot more interesting. 

Anyway I hope this review was at least helpful. I hope you won't be offended when I say I do not like Eunyoung. She's an interesting character with a dark history and past, but the way she carries herself is just not my cup of tea. 

Total Points: 74/100