Title: 缘分 [Yuánfèn]
Note: Spoiler Alert

Story Link

Requestor's Name:endless-sonata

Reviewer:BlackRosesTears

Date Received - Date Completed: 26.07.2015 - 27.07.2015

Title (10/10):

The title of your story is really catchy and unique because it is Chinese and I didn't see stories with a Chinese title until now.But because it is Chinese it could be hard for people to read it and understand the meaning behind it so I like that you have the title also romanized and the meaning of it in the foreword. And the meaning of the title seems to be interesting and there is a connection with the story I wanted to find out, it really caught my interest. Also just by reading the title I am not sure if this is a romantic story or something else.

Character (18/20):

Sehun seems to be a matured guy that desires nothing more than just being free and find love in other places besides his own house that is more like a cage for him. For me he seems to be a person that keeps his thoughts for himself just like he did when Luhan asked him about his opinion about the book he is currently reading. He says that he doesn't like it but he read it twice and now for the third time, so why doesn't he tell the truth? I hope that you will reveal that later on because that is a part of his character that seems to be pretty important and tells you much about him. Also he seems to be a romantic person because he wants to go to the place where the book is taking place.

Luhan had just a short appereance but he seems to be a nice person that comes the closest to being a friend to Sehun because he obviously cares for the younger and tries to make his life more interesting by giving him books to read as present. I am curious if he will appear again and what role he will be playing if he appears again.

 Kai on the other side lives and it seems like for him the world is not a beautiful place and he can't really see what is lying in front of him, in his future because of something that happened in the past to him. It seems like he just stop thinking of a past girl- or boyfriend which leads to him living more in the past. Many things remind him of the past which makes not only his life but also the life of people who care about him difficult.

As I already mentioned while talking about Kai, I will now come to Suho another character that has just short appearances but he is the best friend of Kai. They seem to be really close and he knows what happened to Kai. He wants to help him but can't as long as Kai is not willing to give up on his past. So for example he doesn't want Kai to go on his trip to Jeju because of his past and he tries to stop him but it doesn't seem to work.

Originality (7/10):

Just by reading the first two chapters I can't say that it is a really original plot because one guy is trapped in his life by his family so he decides to run away and meets another guy that has a past that he just can't forget but that can change which depends on how you continue your story. Because of this fact I won't rate this section too hard/serious.

Storyline/Plot (23/30):

The beginning of your story is really beautiful written, it is like a small introduction to the main characters Sehun and Kai. You describe the feelings of the characters really good and also the atmosphere in the story that is currently surrounding the characters; like for example the feelings of Sehun, that he is longing for freedom so he can live his own life. Then you came up with different colors and how they can make you feel or what they symbolize and I am really curious why you mentioned them once for Sehun and once for Kai. It made me think that they will have a special meaning in the story.
For the storyline as it continues it is good that Sehun left a message for his parents behind because you said that their care for him and try to give him everything so I like that Sehun is not totally selfish to just leave which could lead to his parents worrying about him. And here I have to say I am curious what his parents will do after they find this message, will they let him make his own experiences or will they try to bring him back?
For Kai's point of view, he seems to be a person with a heavy past and because you mention it quiet some times I have the feeling we will find out more about him and maybe his past will hunt him again.
At the end of the first chapter after the prolog I have to admit I had to laugh a bit because I think Kai met Sehun for the first time and that is an interesting first meeting. I really like this part of the story.

I can't say much about the flow of the story but so far it seems pretty good because you take your time and describe the things and don't rush it. There are so many open questions and secrets to reveal.

Grammar/Errors (18/25):

There are some small mistakes in your chapters that don't catch the eye if you don't look for them. I will show you some below:

What he wanted for was more than just that.
What he longed for was more than just that. (Or if you want to keep the wanted than just erase the for after it)

You're just like the shades of evening sky.
You're just like the shades of the evening sky. (This is a mistake you make quiet often so I point it out once)

Sehun did not aware when he started falling asleep.
Sehun wasn't aware of the time he fell asleep.

The only source of light in the room was the pale glowing of the moonlight shone through the window.
The only source of light in the room was the pale glowing of the moonlight that shone through the window.

Overall Enjoyment (3/5):

I like your writing style, it is really interesting and you describe the feelings of your characters pretty good so I liked reading it but it didn't hooked me up until now. I am not writing this to make you feel bad or anything like that it is just how I feel after the first two chapters, I will continue to read your story because I want to know what happens next and maybe it will hook me than because the plot of the story is not really well developed at this point. And maybe you should let another person read your chapter before publish them so you can prevent the small mistakes I mentioned above.
Again I don't want to bash or sound harsh so I hope you can understand what I mean.

Total Points: (79/100)

Bonus: Your questions and focuses for us:

I tried to answer everything above but if you still have a question feel free to PM me.^^

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