Marine

Reviewer: dhaatk
Review for:  minderaser

Requested on: 10/05/2014
Finished On: 10/07/2014

NOTE: One-Shot (Spoiler Alert)

(9/10) Title: I feel like taking out one point, because it got me confused and I'm sure not only me. The word “marine” is most commonly known as a “soldier who serves in the sea”. Since in the story were was not once mentioned that any character was such soldier, at first I wanted to give you zero for the title. But since English is not my mother tongue, I decided to look it up on official Oxford's online dictionary and saw that marine could actually serve on both land and sea, I couldn't give you zero. However, I'm still giving you only nine, because I feel like giving your story title “Soldier” or any other more suitable synonym would be better.

(10/10) Character: All characters, even if not perfect themselves, were perfectly written. With less than 5,000 words you managed to portray them all well and plainly. Personally, Jin seemed as a to me and an adult, than can't handle himself even when he's nearly 30 (that's the age I assume he's) and people like that piss me off even in real life. I absolutely loved Rachel's character! Although she doesn't seem like a best descent friend, that can keep shut (not make fun of Jin for still thinking Arson's alive, if talking more precisely), she still seems very charming and just has this aura around herself that makes me think Jin actually really loves and treasures her despite all the I've mentioned already. Arson's little brother Janus seemed out of place for most of the story, but the last sentence of your piece made his role more meaningful. Also, I liked your choice to not make him speak even once and now I feel as if it would have been even unnecessary for Janus to say a word. What concerns Arson, his personality wasn't revealed much, but I thought he was kind and loving.

(10/10) Originality: I'm almost sure I've never read or seen anything like this piece of fiction before. Of course, there are plenty of stories about soldiers, who go on a mission, leave their beloved ones and don't come back for a long time, sadly those who love them cling onto the idea that the soldiers are still alive, but, speaking truthfully, how many stories can I recall, where those soldiers actually came back? Probably none. That's exactly what makes your story unique.

(38/40) Storyline/Plot: The plot is really good and your flow is nice. However, it was lacking at two places. When, after meeting with Rachel, Jin was talking on the phone with his mother, I thought it was still the same day or the following one, but then you revealed Jin was late for his new work, I got confused. Only by adding two or more words you could have stated how much time has passed since he met Rachel and then the flow would have been perfect. Also, it was confusing that the sergeant contacted Jin but not Arson's actual family, considering he was still not openly gay, when he disappeared, and probably nobody aside Jin, Arson and Rachel knew that the two were ever dating.

(22/25) Grammar/Errors: So since English is not my first language, I can't ensure that I've spotted all the mistakes, but here are the ones I've managed to catch or thought it would sound better in other way:
“passing to and forth” – “passing back and forth”
“all surrounded around the dining room table” – “all seated around the dining table”
“the painful wavering thoughts” – “the painfully wavering thoughts”
“as usual wasn't a white Christmas” – “as usually it wasn't a white Christmas”
“sneaking worried glanced” – “sneaking worried glances”
“Quite staring at me.” – “Stop starring at me”

(5/5) Overall Enjoyment: Despite some errors disturbing me from smooth reading, I, personally, enjoyed this story a lot. There's nothing more to add, seriously, just 5/5 from me! This really deserves more attention!

(94/100) Points Total

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