Titile: A Misunderstanding

Note: Spolier Alert

Story link

Requestor's Username: SistarsStar1

Reviewer's AFF Name: Amizupen

Date Received - Date Completed: April, 29, 2015-May, 1, 2015

Title (4/10):

I am doubting the creativity of the title. It’s not appealing, but rather plain. Although it fits the story, it could be something more attractive to pull the readers’ scrolling mouses like a magnetic.  

Character (4/10):

I am harsh on characterization, because a great story really depends on having a well-developed character. So let’s start with something positive first! I like the characteristics that you created for Hyorin and Daehyun. I think they matches the character perfectly. Zelo and Dasom are adorable! On the other hand, there are some negative view on character developments. The characters have no development so far, or at least, I couldn’t grasp the changes in those character. I suggest to use more adjectives and details to describe a character.

Here is an example:

Original Text : “

"There..... she......is!" DaeHyun mummbled in between breaths.

DaeHyun pretend to cough. "H-Hyo-R-Rin ah...." DaeHyun shuttered. *Why do the h*ck am I shuttering!!!* DaeHyun thought. But there was no response from HyoRin.  

"HyoRin ah..." Again, there was no response. "HYORin ah...." Again no response. "HYORIN AH...!" DaeHyun finally exploded. HyoRin slowly raised up her head as she yawned. She stretched till she saw DaeHyun standing right behind her.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" HyoRin shouted. Her voice was very high. DaeHyun got startled. He jumped and swallowed his saliver.

Suggestion:

“Daehyun came to a stop by the door. His chest moved up and down, and he attempted to control the heavy breathing from the run.  A slim and fragile figure blocked the sunlight that creeped past the doorway. It must be Hyorin. He took a calm step towards door and gently pushed it. With light steps, he moved towards Hyorin.

“Hyor..in.” His soft voice stuttered in guilt. After repeating the name for the second time, he gave up. She must have been drowned in her own thoughts. He took in a deep breath, and finally, he bravely shouted her name again.

Her body received a shock!  Out of human instincts, her own vocal betrayed her with a scream. He, also, reacted from her high pitch. The both startled each other in confusion. “

Instead of using a lot of “AHHHHHH!” and “....”, you can try to use more adjective to describe the conversation. “AHHHH!” can be interpreted in so many ways, and it’s ambiguous. The character could have been angry, frustrated, scared, happy or even annoyed; therefore, using those emotionless zombie words will only leave the fanfic to become dull. Characters will also be more individualized with adjectives.  With adjectives your reader wouldn’t be confused, because all the characters would act different. Think of adjectives as color. Do we favor more towards plain colors or rainbow?

Originality (5/10):

It is creative to tell a story from another side of the possible bully. However, I read many fanfics/stories that have the same plots. It didn’t take me by surprise, but a shining star for efforts!

Storyline/Plot (15/40):

There is a story plot, but is not very clear. It’s all over the place and ideals like (A/N) interrupts my reading. A plot have to be smooth that lead the readers through the story, but of course, plot twist are highly encourage. Readers love surprises. However, you have to make sure the transition is smooth. I like that you keep Dasom’s boyfriend and the bully as a mystery. Don’t just tell the reader this is a hint. It would be nicer if you drop the bread crumbs -hints- more carefully. It won’t be just “ta-da here is the hint” but it will be “maybe this is a hint, you guess”. Stuff like that keeps the readers awake and excited.

Grammar/Errors (8/25):

I suggest you get a beta reader or another friend to help you with your grammar. There are a lot mistakes and misused words.

For example:

Original: “Soyu pointed to DaeHyun as DaeHyun raised his both hands in the air.”

Suggestion: “Soyu pointed at DaeHyun, and Daehyun quickly raised his hands in the air.”

note: If you want to improve your grammar skills, I suggest take notice of other people’s grammar. This will help you to pick up good usage.

Overall Enjoyment (1/5):

There are things that make me twitched as a reader.I get distracted by side notes, the endless exaggerated words, the random text faces and the CAPITAL LETTERS. It is a nice plot, but the writing style throw me off. Personally, I dislike pictures in stories/fanfics, because I felt like I should just google some pictures instead of focusing on the story. I am a picky reader, but not to discourage you. When I first started writing, my fanfics are dull. After I write more and more, I improved through practice and other people’s suggestions.  

Bonus:

Please don’t be discourage. The technique of writing is just part of creating a great fanfic, so don’t let that to stop your passion and creativity. My suggestions are meant to help you. I hope it will help and my time is worth spent. Inbox me if you have any questions. I also want to apologize for any harsh criticism. Thank you and happy writing.

Points Total: (37/100)

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