Kai, Meet Jongin

Reviewer: dhaatk
Review for: WangZiTao

Requested on: 01/24/2015
Finished On: 01/29/2015

NOTE: 3 Chapters (Spoiler Alert)

(10/10) Title: I think the title is really good. It gives a slight spoiler and a thought of facing a supernatural story.

(8/10) Character: There weren't many characters, but almost all of them did not lack anything. However, Kai seemed a bit off at times. More expansion on his character and actions should have been made, but it mostly concerns the plot too, so please read more about it in storyline section.

(9/10) Originality: Stories about split personality in a supernatural way are rarely original, but you managed to pull this off with an idea of the protagonist's other half being a shadow.

(32/40) Storyline/Plot: Even though the narration had a quick pace, it was seriously lacking at some points and that disturbed the flow. The obstruction starts when Kai's downhill is said to had begun at the age of 12. The boy leaves home in the middle of the night because of sudden “crashing and shouting”, but not much is explained at that moment. Expansion on those disturbing noises and bad relationship between his parents (?) would be highly appreciated. When the narration comes back to current times, it is said “His senior year was almost over, and he could finally spend his days drinking his life away.”, but that doesn't make much sense. Usually, the end of school year for seniors is pretty hectic as they must focus on upcoming exams, so that means there's no free time for them to party. Another thing that disturbed me was the colour of Jongin's eyes. I understand he's not an actual human-being but a replica of one. However, I think a meaning could have been given to the purple colour.  Moving on, I have a remark about the pizzeria. It seemed strange for Kai not to know that in real world the place had been closed, though there was an impression made that it was a famous place in town. It would be understandable if Kai lived in a big city, but since the size of the town was not mentioned anywhere, the situation was confusing a little. A similar misunderstanding occurred with beer. Right before leaving the store in the morning Kai bought a can of beer and threw it, then he came back home and “set his Asahi on the counter”. Two problems appear in this scene. First of all, a random reader has no idea what Asahi is, you should state very clearly that it is a brand of beer (“set a can of “Asahi” beer on the counter”). More importantly, a question pops up – where from did Kai get that beer? During the period of Kai leaving the store and reaching his home, there was no mentioning of him getting a new beer. Going back to Kai's major breakdown being at the age of 12, when the guy finally gives in and starts revealing his true feelings, he even mentions his attempt to commit suicide. Now, this is really rare for a twelve-year old and there is no way a reader can see the story linked with such a rare case. He might have taken such a drastic step later on, right before entering high school, but definitely not when he was twelve.
A thing that I loved the most about the story was the link between Kai and his shadow Jongin. Especially it was fascinating when Kai punched his shadow but felt the slight pain himself in the exact area where the punch was placed. Even better was the fact that Jongin had no clear memories that Kai, the real person, possessed. All of this showed that Kai is tied with his shadow but at the same time a certain distance remains.

(18/25) Grammar/Errors: The grammar was not bad. The biggest problem were unclear statements and scattered thoughts, that occurred several times. At some places it was hard or impossible to fully understand what was wanted to say. Here are some grammar mistakes:
Chapter 1 “he'd start walking down the street, not a care in the world” – “he'd start walking down the street, not having a single care in the world”;
“he chewed at his lower lip” – “he chewed his lower lip”;
“All the sudden” – “all of the sudden”;
“My name is Kai. You?" – “<...>Yours?”
Chapter 2 – “The walking soon turned to running” – “turned into running”;
“It's the last place you where were genuinely happy” – “It's the last place where you were genuinely happy”;
Chapter 3 – “rose out of bed” – “rose from the bed”.

(4/5) Overall Enjoyment: As you know already, I liked your story a lot. What made me fall for it the most was the idea of shadow world that I found super original. Also, the plot twist was amazing and the ending was a total cliffhanger!

(81/100) Points Total

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