Voice Message

Reviewer: dhaatk
Review for: dzurhero

Requested on: 07/11/2015
Finished On: 7/19/2015

NOTE: One-shot (Spoiler Alert)

(10/10) Title: The title is perfectly chosen. It is accurate, original, and sums up the story. A voice message (actually a couple of them) is crucial and plays a big role in the narration, leading it to its .

(8/10) Character: Characters are alright, there are just a couple of irritating things, one small and then a bigger one. First of all, in the scene where Daehyun is with his fellow bandmates, their names have no purpose and add nothing to the story. Therefore, they could be described just as “his fellow friends said,” “another guy from his band added,”etc. The bigger issue with characters is that the two main ones seem relatively same. When it is written about how they broke up, Daehyun is portrayed as the bad guy, but by the end of the story he is completely different from how he had been described and more similar to Youngjae. Both of their personalities should contrasting just to keep the story realistic, because every relationship needs balance, sought by two diverse souls.

(10/10) Originality: This story must be enjoyable for readers, who like rather simple settings, compared to supernatural or very angsty fan fictions. The point is, the latter kind of stories is probably met on this site more than first type, so this particular story can be described as somewhat refreshing and original.

(37/40) Storyline/Plot: The one-shot has a good pace, it is neither too quick or too slow. The main focus is on that fatal voice message. There is only one big awkward event that makes a rather big and important portion of the storyline. Daehyun and Youngjae are ex-lovers, who separated after a really bad break up and they have spent a whole year without seeing each other. There appears a huge wall, what regards steady flow, when both guys finally reunite and talk casually as if nothing has happened and they did not go different ways after countless nasty fights. They even say how much they still love each other. This situation is just too unrealistic and unnatural, in a way.

(21/25) Grammar/Errors: Grammar skills are fair, at times it is hard to comprehend what the author wants to say. Even though most sentences are grammatically correct, some of them have to be read a few times, because of the way words are put together. Also, sometimes a wrong word is used. For example, in “mediocre job” it should be “work,” instead of “job.” Also, in phrase “still bothered whether he should make the call,” word “bother” is not appropriate. Then in sentence “if ever you decided to finally come home,” word “ever” is not needed. Lastly, “everything fell into their places” has to be “everything fell into its right place.” However, there was one really well-written part. From “It was Saturday” to “No road was blocked and not a single flight was canceled that night.” First, the scenery of spring is beautifully described, with “faint fragrance of budding flowers” and “sonatas from buzzing bees and tweeting birds.” Then, the way how Youngjae's departure from the country is described is amazing. Words are used perfectly and the reader is able to feel the exact feelings of the character. Too bad this style of writing is not used throughout the whole story.

(2/5) Overall Enjoyment: Personally, I did not find this one-shot very fascinating. The grammar mistakes of yours were distracting and the plot did not make much sense to me, especially actions carried out by the main characters. I wish you good luck with further stories.

(88/100) Points Total

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