Ain't No Fun

Reviewer: dhaatk
Review for:  readytofly

Requested on: 03/17/2015
Finished On: 03/29/2015

NOTE: 2 Chapters (Spoiler Alert)

(3/10) Title: The chosen title is original but not accurate. The intention to show that the protagonist does not enjoy what happens in the story is merely and idea, but it is not present and everything seems completely opposite.

(6/10) Character: The good thing about characterization is that there were not too many characters. All of them have a specific role. A lot of writers tend to include all group members, but it is great that you didn't do such thing. However, all the characters were very desultory. They acted here and there, not really building an obvious character portrait. You should put more effort in showing differences between all the characters. Each of their actions and decisions should be reasoned through inner thoughts or dialogues.

(6/10) Originality: The main idea of the story is not original. The whole concept of two childhood friends falling apart but reuniting after years of separation and in some sort of way ending up together is emaciated. Having a homoual main pairing does not change the situation either. Almost every event was a cliché. For instance, Jongin's family coming to Kyungsoo's house and bringing their son out of blue. But that and other examples are flaws of plot too, so I will expand more in the next section.

(25/40) Storyline/Plot: It seems like you wanted to include too many events in this short story and it became the main weakness of the plot. There are lots of actions that are totally groundless and do not make sense. For example, when Jongin kissed Kyungsoo while smoking weed on school's territory, it was out of blue and not just simply unbelievable but also totally unrealistic. Just think about it, a pair of long-lost friends happen to speak with each other for the first time in years. They surely do not start making out. Another scene that confused me a lot was the in Kyungsoo's room. It is written that Jongin carries the other male to the door and starts penetrating Kyungsoo without taking off his pants or boxers. That is just a huge gap in the narration, that confuses the reader. What is even stranger is how casually Kyungsoo walks to the kitchen for ice in the middle of . There is also a small remark about Kyungsoo and Chanyeol's conversation. The boys talked about ual things shouting to each other through the window. That really does not happen in real life. What I actually liked was the last conversation between two mothers. It was funny but entertaining.

(20/25) Grammar/Errors: There were quite many mistakes of spelling. What bothered me a lot too, were song lyrics. Why would you include such long lines of them and especially in such form “Oneuldo ireoke haruga jinagane?” I hope you understand my point, when I say that most people do not understand what it means hence cannot connect the lyrics with story. In other words, since the story is written in English, song lyrics should also be in same language. What I can say about your writing style – it is not the worst, but at times it is hard to understand what you want to say. Try searching for other words and expanding on your ideas.

(3/5) Overall Enjoyment: Despite being annoyed with the song lyrics and how story did not make sense overall, I for some strange reason quite enjoyed it!

(63/100) Points Total

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