Of Camps and Broken Hearts - LilyLisa
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lilylisa
request on: 4/13/17
REVIEWER: blackrosestears
finished on: 5/13/17
score: 97/100
Title: (10/10)
LOGICAL (3/3) - The title makes totally sense together with the plot of your story.
EYE-CATCHING (3/3) - It was an interesting title as you don't really know what exactly what kind of story it will be.
original (4/4) - Your title is really original as there are no other stories with the same or a similar title.
story's foreword/description (10/10)
story's summary (5/5) - Just by reading your foreword, I was already captivated and thought that it will be a pretty interesting story. You don't reveal too much of the story and the plot itself may doesn't sound like something new but there is something about it, that just gets you interest.
appearance (5/5) - The overall look of the foreword is good, it is easy to read and to understand and it doesn't look messy at all.
characters/casts (10/10)
character development (5/5) - Though the story is relative short, we can see some development in Jennie's character as she didn't want to be in a relationship at the beginning of the story and was almost scared of commitment. Also, that she was too scared to confess to Lisa changed over the story. But it also seems like Lisa is afraid to confess her feelings to Jennie so she changes over the story too as she steps out of the comfort of their friendship and admits her feelings towards Jennie.
character's relations (5/5) - I have to say that I really loved how you portrait the characters. The friendship between the characters was nicely described. Though you write that Jisoo and Jennie aren't really friends, they have a nice relation as they can talk to each other and care for each other in a way. While Rose is this friend that helps you with your problem though you don'T know that you have this problem yet or just don'T want to admit it. Also, Jennie and Lisa have a nice base of a friendship as they really seem to know each other and care for each other.
the author's mindset (40/40)
LOGICALLY (10/10) - through the whole story there was never a point where it didn't make sense.
ORIGINALITY (10/10) - I don't know whether this is an original plot or not but while reading it, I never had the feeling that it is something overused or cliche.
TONE (5/5) - You used the tone very well, you were feeling sad or happy with the characters and almost anxious when Jennie finally confessed to Lisa.
NARRATION (5/5) - It was good how the whole story was in Jennie's POV because like that we had no idea how Lisa is feeling and whether Rose was actually right with everything. Like that, we also had a special connection to Jennie and her feelings and could understand her really well.
STORYLINE (10/10) - The start of the story was pretty good with the detailed descriptions and the conversation between rose and Jennie. It tells us right away the direction the plot is going to but at the same time, it introduces the character to us in a natural way through their relations with each other. And as Jennie slowly starts to think about Lisa in a different way, we can see these little interactions between them and how Jennie starts to think different about them and accepts that she really likes Lisa. Especially when Sooyoung tries to get Jennie's attention but Jennie can't stop thinking about Lisa, it was one of these moments where the reader is so hooked up with the story that he/she is literally begging for Jennie not to do it.
Then when they finally kiss for the first time, I was so happy and was like finally but then Lisa is with Seulgi and that was so frustrating. But Jennie finally gets herself together and confesses and they become a couple.
It was so good how Jisoo and Rose helped Jennie with her feelings and to overcome her fear as supporting characters. And even though they are supporting characters, we still got to know them properly and how important they are for the whole story to work out. Also, the flow of the story was perfect as Jennie didn't confess or tried to get Lisa after the talk with Rose but was scared. Jennie was a character you can relate to as many people are not able to walk to their crush and just confess like that.
Then when they finally kiss for the first time, I was so happy and was like finally but then Lisa is with Seulgi and that was so frustrating. But Jennie finally gets herself together and confesses and they become a couple.
It was so good how Jisoo and Rose helped Jennie with her feelings and to overcome her fear as supporting characters. And even though they are supporting characters, we still got to know them properly and how important they are for the whole story to work out. Also, the flow of the story was perfect as Jennie didn't confess or tried to get Lisa after the talk with Rose but was scared. Jennie was a character you can relate to as many people are not able to walk to their crush and just confess like that.
proper use of the English language (22/25)
proper grammar/punctuation (7/10) - There are a few mistakes that you can easily correct. Here are some examples:
“Painkillers, ointment, antiseptic, cooling spray, band aids and bandages,” → there is a hyphen missing, the correct spelling would be: band-Aids.
There never was much affection in Jennie’s life, to begin with. → you are missing a comma here at the interrupter, to begin with.
Jisoo remarked, putting a calming hand onto Jennie’s shoulder. → here is the preposition wrong, it should be on Jennie's shoulder.
Why that one kiss was supposed to be different than the rest? → The structure of the sentences is weird here, try it like that: Why Was That one kiss supposed to be different that the rest?
Jennie and Rosé couldn’t help but to chuckle at her. → to is not necessary after couldn't as a modal verb.
terminology (5/5) - your vocabulary was really good with no overuse of a phrase or a word.
language barrier (10/10) - There was also no overuse of the Korean language.
Reviewer's enjoyment (5/5)
I really enjoyed your story from the story chapter to its last. Your writing style and how everything happened, the relations were really good described that I felt a connection with your characters. It was also interesting to read especially with the twist of them kissing but not getting together and Lisa suddenly talking to Seulgi again. And then you ended it with hint to Jennie's first thoughts of the story which was a nice ending.
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