STORY LINK

Reviewer: Amizupen
Review for: Laulau95

Requested on: 06/08/2015
Finished On: 07/28/2015

NOTE: 31 Chapters (Spoiler Alert)

TITLE: (5/10)

LOGICAL (1/3) - I am not really seeing how the title fits with the story, even though the epilogue ending kind of explained. I would say that this fanfiction definitely had some game like elements in it. I would recommend choosing a title that is more game like.

EYE-CATCHING (2/3) - It’s short and to point. It quickly brings my mind to business, politics and heirs.

ORIGINAL (2/4) - I just can not get the House of Cards TV show out of my head.

STORY'S FOREWORD/DESCRIPTION (10/10)

STORY'S SUMMARY (5/5) - I think the foreword is very attracting. It didn’t give me too much information, but still enough to keep me reading. The tone in the foreword is very intense as well which keeps up with my excitement and high hopes.

APPEARANCE (5/5) - Very comfortable to look at nothing too flashy. I love it.

CHARACTERS/CASTS (7/10)

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT (3/5) - Suho’s character is not clear enough in the beginning. I keep getting confused about him, even if he was meant to be mysterious. However, I would say he had the most character development. Nari’s development did not have much impact, but she did changed through out. The character I am most disappointed about is Luhan. Sometimes we are afraid to bring changes to such a perfect-lady-man character which I understand. Lastly, I am not getting much from Luhan’s character except he loves Nari till death.

Fan point of view: LUHAN IS HOT!

CHARACTER'S RELATIONS (4/5) - Character relationships are well portrayed. There are no confusion between love or hate, or in this case both. Well done! However, the relationship development between characters are rushed and stiff. The relationship development between Luhan and Nari reached the limit after Chapter 8.

THE AUTHOR'S MINDSET (33/40)

LOGICALLY (9/10) - The story has a orderly fashion, and the character’s struggle is some what reliable.

ORIGINALITY (10/10) - Refreshing storyline! Very original. Well, done!

TONE (2/5) - I am kind of disappointed by the tone and mood of the story. At times, it’s a bit mixed and confusing. I would suggest to be more descriptive in order to bring out the tone a bit more.

NARRATION (4/5) - I thought the narration is great. Nari definitely told the story well. One recommendation is to bring more inter-thoughts out of Nari, and take advantage of the the POV.

STORYLINE (8/10) - The storyline is pretty up to beat. I felt like I stay with the character throughout her struggle. However, the ending thrown me off. Don’t get me wrong I love happy endings. This ending is a nice wrap up with the whole story, but I did not gain any new meaning from it. It didn’t have a great impact on me. More like a “aw moment then put it behind my head” instead of “I-will-remember-this moment”.

(Chapters Specials)-These are the notes I wrote down when I was reading. Hope it can bring the best in this review. *the beginning chapters received more attentions*

Chapter 1: I thought chapter one is a decent chapter. You gave enough information to set up the story, but I suggest more than just settings, characters, connections and relationships. Tone is another spice to add on to the things you had already accomplished. I couldn’t understand the tone of the first chapter. Should the meeting between the two be more mysterious or more romantic? You did a good job with clearing the characters’ feelings. Well done.

Chapter 2: This is where the starting point landed. The story started with Suho’s order of seducing Luhan. It definitely keeps me reading. By the way, I love Soyeon. I want a friend like that. You did very well in characterizing Nari. Suho’s personality at this point is foggy to me. I wonder what is the document that he mention about.

Chapter 3: Luhan’s development seems to be toward the protagonist side. Through this point, I was wondering if he really like Nari or was he seducing her for a reason as well. Knowing that Nari is Suho’s sister, he is still willing to like her?  

Chapter 4: As a reader, I got bored with this chapter. It wasn’t exciting and predictable. However, Suho’s characters started to show. He is selfish to use his sister like that.

Chapter 7: I squealed through this chapter. P.S. Luhan is the babe.

Chapter 8: I predicted that Nari is going to misunderstood Luhan as her parent’s killer. I also predicted that Luhan will say that it was a misunderstanding. There are few grammar mistakes in this chapter. I looking forward for more surprise.

Chapter 10: I suspected that Suho would not be Nari’s brother. He seems to have feelings for Nari. What is “a woman’s handwriting”... sorry. I got so distracted by the use of that term, because man and woman handwriting styles are ambiguous. The plot is going great so far.

Chapter 11: That explain a lot about Suho. Need to take more advantage with the first person point of view. So far there aren’t a lot of inter thoughts from the main character herself. Using first person point of view, main character will be able to display more development and change.

Chapter 14: I just have to say nothing feels serious in the story. I am not sure if the author intended to do this. The scene of taking Suho’s hair sample for DNA is more like a joke than an intense mission. I had a good laugh from Soyeon’s random comments.

Chapter 17: The end of this chapter didn’t meet up with my expectation. The tension in the room was not serious enough. Suho’s characteristic is a bit confusing too.

Chapter 18: NO!! She is dead! My favorite character though. On the other hand, I love that you are willing to risk your character for plots. Some authors are not willing to hurt their characters and some readers are not willing to appreciate the change in characters. Death brings out a lot of meaning to the story. I hope the story takes advantage on that.

Chapter 20: I see some development in Nari’s character here. However, I did wish that her ideas can be more in depth.

Chapter 21: Nari definitely showed more self development in this chapter. In fact, I got more out from what she was thinking. I wish she would have more inter thoughts rather than just smiling or crying.

Chapter 23: Gasped! She is pregnant! Interesting storyline.

Chapter 25: Nice come back, Nari. I am not having much problem with this chapter. However, I am so sick of the word “waist”. Every time there is a touchy session, the waist is always being pulled and touched.

Chapter 28: The stacked conversations hurts. It feels like I can’t breath while reading it.

Chapter 30: Nari keeps having magical connection with Soyeon. It’s a nice way to bring her back into the story.

Chapter 31: It’s like Soyeon’s rebirth.

PROPER USE OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE (19/25)

PROPER GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATION (7/10) - There are some grammar mistakes and misused words, and sometimes it distracted me a little. I think is not bad enough to stop me from reading.  

TERMONOLOGY (3/5) - Pretty good diction so far. I would recommend try to find another words to describe smiled, laughed at different occasion. Those are simple actions that can affect the mood of the scene. Also too much repeated usage for example, “caressed”.

LANGUAGE BARRIER (9/10) - There was a few word, but it didn’t bother me.  

REVIEWER'S ENJOYMENT (3/5)

Fan Enjoyment? Hell yea. All these scenes are driving me crazy. Completely in love with Soyeon as well. The fan fantasy is portrayed fully. Love it.

Literature Enjoyment? Not so much. If Luhan was replaced with some other name, I would probably stop reading it after chapter 4. There are way too little event development between two main character. All I remember is they had again and again. But! Hey! It is a fanfiction, so ignore me on this one.

I apologize for any harsh criticism. Happy writing!

(77/100) Points Total

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