My Diamond Heart Shall Be a Rose - Perfiction
BLK's Review Shop ACHIEVE--BLK's--
--Reviews-
--Reviews-
reminder
///////////////
Bonus: Do you think any of the characters were not needed in the oneshot?
♦Feel free to message us personally with any concerns.
♦ thank you for choosing blk
reviews and for your patience! hope to see you visit again.
perfiction
request on: 01/01/16
REVIEWER: dhaatk
finished on: 01/--/16
score: 82/100
Title: (10/10)
LOGICAL (3/3) The chosen title makes perfect sense and is quite literal, because what happens in the story is reflected in the title (the protagonist's diamond heart is made into a rose)
EYE-CATCHING (3/3) Even though being quite long, the title does catch the reader's attention and many mystery fans would most probably click on the story.
original (4/4) There is now other story on this site or any other site with the same title. Also, no other kind of art (movie, song, etc.) can be found under such name. Therefore, a good job was done with choosing the right title for this one-shot.
story's foreword/description (9/10)
story's summary (4/5) The story is summarised well, since the main idea is presented. Telling what is the point to make a rose out of one's diamond heart and how it is related to love is a great idea. What is missing, however, is the introduction to characters. Some authors tend to avoid doing that, but if done correctly, it makes the reading easier, because the reader is already acquainted with the characters' names. It can be done with only one sentence. For example, there could be such question placed after already written description: “What's the fate of Dokyun's rose, made for Amy?”
appearance (5/5) Aesthetically, the story looks perfect. The poster shows that it will be (probably) a love story between a guy and a girl. Also some diamonds are displayed, which co-relates to the story just fine. Not to mention that the poster itself is dark and mysterious and together with the background sets gloomy and dark mood.
characters (9/10)
character development (5/5) There are four main characters in the story and the author was worried about the number was not too much and if all of them were needed. The answer is simple: yes. Furthermore, a good job was done with creating each character.The first introduced character is Dokyun, the protagonist and the person from who's point of view reader sees the story. The guy is intriguing and might seem like a complete douchebag to some readers, when it becomes evident that he dated a girl without even liking her that much. But even if some readers find him unappealing for this reason, it is not a bad thing, since it means that some emotions were triggered and one of a good story's signs is making the reader emotional.The next important character is Amy. She is Dokyun's best friend and, as it is revealed later, the love of his life. She is portrayed as a gentle, caring and smart young woman. It is great how she tries to stimulate Dokyun's grief over his ex-lover, who has passed away. She does not push the guy to talk about it, but whenever she sees that he is willing to do it, she continues the discussion, trying to get all bad emotions and feelings out of the young man's system. It is an act of concern and honest love.Finally, the name of Dokyun's ex-girlfriend is revealed to be Bohyoung. Since she is an already deceased character, it is a bit hard to fully depict her personality. From Dokyun's memories it becomes obvious that Bohyoung was honest and brave girl, who was completely devoted to the guy she loved. Even when the other accidentally crashed her rose, thus causing her death, she did not seem mad, only sad and miserable to some extent.And last but not least, Sihyoung, the dead girl's brother made an appearance in the story, too. He could take on an antagonist's role, but he does not really fulfill the so-called 'requirements' for an evil character. It is true that he is not over his sister's death and is beyond angry at Dokyun. However, he does not cause true harm and actually even saves the guy, when he almost bleeds to death. Sihyoung is probably the most complex character, even though he is not the main one.
characters relations (4/5) Although all the characters are well-written, some aspects of their relationships and way of communicating are unclear and messy. The biggest misunderstanding is with Dokyun and Sihyoung. It is rather impossible for the protagonist not to recognize the younger guy. By the end of the story it is clear that they knew each other quite well before and even if they had stopped talking, there is very little chance they could not remember one another.
the author's mindset (32/40)
LOGICAL (7/10) The plot does make sense, but some events seem illogical or confusing. For example, there is a lack of reasoning for Dokyun's love for Amy. When he first talks about going to see her, because she makes him feel better, it seems as if they are simply best friends. Plus, if he really did love the girl, he would have entered her house without a second thought when he heard a commotion and an unfamiliar male voice coming from the place. Also, there was one totally unnecessary thing mentioned and that is Dokyun and Amy coming from a cannibal village. This fact does not have a meaningful sequence in the rest of the story, so it is not needed.
ORIGINAL (9/10) Since the narration deals mostly with a sad love story, it cannot be perceived as completely original. What does make it stand out is the idea of each person carrying a diamond heart and being able to carve a rose out of it as showing his or hers gratitude and complete commitment to another person.
TONE (4/5) The tone was kept almost the same throughout the whole story with it being dark and mysterious. Yet, due to some already discussed illogical plot mistakes or grammar errors displayed below the tone sometimes did not hold its original stance and the scenes appeared humorous.
NARRATION (4/5) Narration is great, but with some flaws, when unclear scenes occur. For example, Dokyun was washing up in the bathroom then suddenly there was a sentence “As I take my trench coat from the clothes rack <...>” The action happened at one place then out of blue it shifted to another one. There should be more details about what a character does, so the flow is steadier.
STORYLINE (8/10) Generally, the plot was good. All the tricky or flawed parts are already discussed above and this is the final score for the storyline.
proper use of the english language (18/25)
grammar and punctuation (6/10)
vocabulary (3/5)
From the very beginning a keen reader can sense the rather poor grammar. One thing that is evident in the beginning and is noticeable throughout the whole story is the mixture of Past and Present tense. Also, sometimes the repetition of same word occurs and one of the instances of this matter is seen in the beginning, too. Here, pronouns “she” and “her” are overused:
“I could see her tears streaming down her face while her hair covered her eyes and even her nose. I always did tell her to cut her bangs. Her grip on my sleeves loosened and she slid down the brown wall and as her back comes to contact with the wall, it gets stained with her blood as she sat next to her shattered diamond rose. She screamed in pain and I hurriedly called the ambulance seeing her breathing rapidly.”
In this case, the repetition could be avoided by rewording or replacing the same nouns with expanded nouns. For example, here is a suggestion:
Original: “I could see her tears streaming down her face while her hair covered her eyes and even her nose.”
Revised: “Even with long hair covering the girl's eyes and nose, I could see tears streaming down her face.”
Compared to grammar skills, richness of vocabulary is better, but still lacking. There was some really nice phrases and sentences that caught reader's attention and could be defined as haunting. For instance, “compared to my love for Amy she was just a candle to a fire place” or later “My diamond heart transformed into a broken rose full of imperfections, just like the person I am.” Word plays like these gives more colour the text and are very useful.
However, there were some places where words were used incorrectly. Here are a few examples and explanations how to fix the mistakes:
“I make sure to watch my step as there was many broken pavements.” – “I make sure to watch my step and not to stumble on the many cracks on the road.”
“It was weird how one's words can impact a person in unimaginable ways.” – “It was weird how one's words could have such an impact on another person.”
“I feel worry.” – “I am worried.”
language barrier (9/10) There were no Korean words used in the story and this part of review is mostly concerned about that. Yet, the number of grammatical and lexical mistakes made it a bit hard to go through the story and that is the only reason why one point is omitted from evaluation.
Reviewer's enjoyment (4/5)
Despite giving some perhaps harsh criticism, I actually quite enjoyed the story. I found the idea of people having diamond hearts very intriguing. I also picked on the fact that having shreds of other person's diamond in your own heart causes bad memories about that person. However, I think the whole idea was not fulfilled and conveyed to the maximum.
Comments