Story: Sleeping Rain

Requestor's Username: AloisDA

Reviewer's AFF Name:

Date Received - Date Completed: 12 August 2014  -  12 August 2014

NOTE: Reviewed only on ONE chapter and there may be spoilers!

(10/10) Title: After reading chapter one, and then going back to read the title, Sleeping Rain, I felt a sense of reminiscing. I thought it went well with the chapter and hope it will go well with the whole story. Their love story is like the cold, damp, sleeping rain. xD LOVE IT!

(9/10) Character: Hmm... It's only one chapter, so I can't really grasp the character of Tao. On the other hand, I do feel the lonesome, dark, frightened character of Mikki.

(9/10) Originality: The story's feelings are straight forward; you get the vibe of mystery, dark, and even cold. The storyline is original and well developed. Since it's only one chapter so far, I can't say much, but so far it's very mysterious.

(35/40) Storyline/Plot: The storyline/plot is straight forward. The pace that the story progresses at is a little tiny bit slow, felt a little dragged on with too many descriptions and less quotes. There were good transitions from scene to scene; it didn't feel like it jumped around. I suggest to up the pace with more quotes. Because there weren't many quotes, the feel of mystery/suspense lingers more than romance/drama.

(22/25) Grammar/Errors:  Great choices of words! Although most of the sentences are short, the words make up for it. It may get boring to read many short sentences one after the other, so maybe combine sentences. Example: Her back leaned on the front door. Water dropped from her forehead down her nose. = Her back leaned on the front door, and water dropped from her forehead down her nose. (Reading becomes smoother.)

There weren't any big mistakes, just minors. Some missing commas and misspelled words. "text(,)" should be comma when in quotes if not ending in (?) , (!) , or (...)

(3/5) Overall Enjoyment: I want to like it more, but the story's pace is a little slow for me.

(88/100) Points Total

Bonus: Your questions and focuses for us:

Overall review/Point out everything that needs to be worked on: I shall point out all the small/everything I see.

First off: In the description, a 18 year old = "an" 18(eighteen) year old and then also She believe's the police. = she "believes" the police. These are all small errors that all author makes xD So don't worry much about them. I try to avoid typing just numbers, and actually typing out the word to avoid errors.

In the summary?: boy with a intimidating = boy with "an" intimidating (Since it occur twice, I would say focus on the a's and an's. They may be small errors, but they hinder the reader's from reading smoothly.

I've told a few authors who I reviewed, before posting the finished work, make sure to check it in Microsoft Word. It really helps all these small errors! For example: skills in martial arts is = skill(s) is plural so it should be "are" and not "is". Microsoft Word would have pointed that out for you. :D You should see a few more errors which I won't point out. Best to let the author look for some themselves to improve their own writing. xD

Chapter 1: through the ran = "rain"  /  lingered into front = "in"  /  echoed of the = "off"  /  Tao said quietly. "Kicked = Tao said quietly(,) "Kicked (I found a few more errors similiar) --- Theses are small errors I don't think Microsoft would have pointed out. xD

I'll be honest, I like it short, simple, and clean; straight to the point. I also like to imagine the characters as I read, so I ended up skipping the character's bios. The description/foreword page took me away from the story, too much to read before acutally getting into the story itself. It made me lost interest. I suggest to reread it slowly or backwards once or twice to catch simple misspelled words.

Feel free to message me if you have any further questions.