Splintered - Eunriehyun
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fitted the story just perfectly.
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eunriehyun
request on: 6/27/15
reviewer: Kaihleelo
finished on: 9/20/15
score: 84/100
Title: splintered (9/10)
LOGICAL (3/3) - it matches well with the story. though "SPLINTERED" IS SUCH A VAGUE TERM, AS IT'S AN ACTION WORD THAT HAS TO DO WITH BREAKING SOMETHING OR BREAKING IT DOWN INTO SMALLER PIECES.
EYE-CATCHING (2/3) - i wouldn't say eye-catching but it certainly is an interesting title.
original (4/4) - In order to determine whether a story title is too common or cliche, i tend to search up the title on aff to see any similarities. and as expected the results of anything similar was quite small so i gave you full points for such an original title.
story's foreword/description (7/10)
story's summary (3/5) - right at the beginning i was hook, because it really sounded interesting. but when it transitioned into "prophecies are known as predictions of the future." i wish the transistion was different since it was so sudden right after you were just luring us into an interesting insight of the story. so what i mean to say is maybe reword it differently or shift the lines around. for example start by speaking about prophecies then leading it donghae and how she will come to deal with it.
appearance (4/5) - i love how you matches the font size and style with the words 'description' and 'foreword', however i wish the credits area was a bit neater. the sizes for each were different along with the font. despite the font, it was a great idea that you kept all pictures/banners/logos, all the same width, lining them up.
characters/casts (10/10)
character development (5/5) - since donghae is the main character, i'd like to only focus on her. from the beginning we see donghae practicing or training until siwon showed up. and throughout we get to see how she is still learning yet putting her skills to work. i'd say she's developing just fine as she goes through her life experience.
character's relations (5/5) - the relationship between all characters are well balanced in my opinion. even nthough there were so many oc (original characters), every character had an important role and that's always a great thing in an adventure story.
the author's mindset (35/40)
LOGICALLY (9/10) - so far everything seems to connect well.
ORIGINALITY (9/10) - the idea can be seen in fantsy and adventure stories, however here on aff i think the idea of the character's powers are quite fresh.
TONE (4/5) - sometimes it seems like you, the author, is telling the story. but sometimes it switches to the character's pov. so just be careful with that. for example use 'there' and not 'here'.
NARRATION (3/5) - It's a third person's pov majority of the time but sometimes i find it as first person, where the character is questioning things aloud but using her name or speaking as a third person. Keep it stable. sometimes i find her thoughts in italics but i also find the author's thoughts in italics. so it disturbs the story's flow.
words of advice, anything or events that happened in the past via flashbacks, try using italics or bold wordings. that way it's clearer to the readers.
STORYLINE (10/10) - the story line is interesting and almost every scene, something important is being revealed. then again it's almost like reading or watching an anime. the pace of the story was easy to follow.
proper use of the english language (19/25)
*I strongly suggest copying and pasting your completed chapters onto word doc/google doc and use auto-correct to fix your minor and basic errors.
proper grammar/punctuation (6/10) - Many sentences could use rewordings and reconstruction. make sure you're using your, you're (you are), at, in, and of properly. i found that many of them were misplaced. I'll also include more examples below.
ellipses are important and most authors commit this mistake. ellipses are three periods intended to either drag out a character's dialogue or as a replacement for words in between the sentences. with ellipses even a period is required to complete the sentence (thereffore four periods total. unless it's an ongoing sentence). So it's not Two periods, it's always three or four to complete a full sentence.
make sure you have both quotation marks around the characters' dialogues.
for example this is an error: 'i love aff." (one's an apostrophe and the other a quotation. use both to open and conclude each sentence, dialogue, and or monologue.)
termonology (3/5) - Vocabulary were quite expanded but used at the wrong time and place. for example try to understand the differences between "seen" and "seeing" as mentioned below.
EX:
seen/saw : I have seen it / I already saw it / i've already seen it
Seeing: it's good seeing you again / are you seeing what i'm seeing?
en vs ing: been and being are different terms just like seen and seeing. i noticed you write "en" instead of the "ing".
also if the word is already past tense, don't add 'ed' or 'd'. for example 'come' and 'came'. came is already the past tense of come so just use came, not 'camed'.
language barrier (10/10) - there wasn't any random korean terms so great job!
Reviewer's enjoyment (4/5)
it's my first time reading a genderbender story and to be honest i'm quite impress. i enjoyed the story line, the character's interactions, and their roles, as well as the terms used to describe each battle scene.
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