calling HaeppyBubble
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Title (4/5)
The title wasn’t really that catchy—not the way I see it at least. It’s too… mushy, for me. (not that I’m any better). Anyway, you could’ve had a better story title aside from I’ll Be Waiting”. Deduction of 1 point for that.
Poster & Background & Trailer (7/10)
Ok, I see Eunhyuk in between pictures of a city. What’s the connection? The picture must tell something. I’m trying to figure out the connection but I find it pretty (being a fan of pictures, I find this exquisite), thus, the deduction of 3 points.
Description & Foreword (7/10)
If I was to browse some good stories, I would skip yours. Why? Descriptions are the one you see under your story. You describe your story. Author’s note is to be placed in the foreword. Describe your story, give the plot but don’t give too much information. Foreshadow the whole story and you’ll be surprised how people would line up and wait for you to update before you even begin writing (not that I’m bragging but it happened to me).
Foreword is good. You can actually put anything you like here but always remember about the neatness and layout. Readers won’t go past chapter one if they see a really messy foreword (page). I like your foreword actually.
Deduction of 3 points for the description, none for foreword.
Plot (7/10)
Your plot is really nice though I’m not really sure what it is. I read this yes, but I don’t know where this one is going. Deduction of 3 points for being confusing.
When making a story, I’ve been told that you should already see the ending of it then come up with events along the way. Have you thought about how to end this? If not, I suggest you think it over.
Originality (10/10)
I don’t really come across OC fics often so this one is new to me. Well, this is pretty new to me, though your OC is the typical Mary Sue with parental problems. Since this is not Character Development, I wouldn’t ponder much on that. No deduction on this one.
Flow (4/5)
Is it just me or was this slow paced? It’s dragging. Deduction of 1 point.
Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary (30/30)
I’m not a grammar nazi and I’m not keen spotting grammatical mistakes. I didn’t really find anything wrong, so I guess you won’t have any deduction.
As mentioned earlier, I’m not keen when it comes to spotting grammatical errors. If people find some errors here, I apologize.
Writing Style (1/10)
Work on your paragraph spacing. When starting a new conversation, start a new paragraph. It’s hard and it’s tiring to read a whole paragraph full of conversation. For example this one which I got from Chapter 1 (edited of course):
"Honey, go take your father’s dinner to him” my mother instructed making me frown.
“Why do I have to do it?!” I retorted. No one, and I mean no one, should approach my father when he’s agitated.
“Oh this daughter! You aren’t even going to listen to your own mother now?!” she scowled under her breath.
“Ah fine! I’ll sacrifice myself this time.” I sighed—finally giving in. My mother nudged my head softly.
“Yah! Do you think your father is the devil?” she hissed.
It’s easier to read right? It’s not cramped and it looked so much neater. Other than that, you don’t have to narrate everything she does or anybody else in particular.
I don’t usually read a cramped story. Even if the description is good, if I saw that the way the author arranged the paragraphs, I immediately close the window. Maybe this is the reason why you have little subscribers? Try adjusting your writing style to make it easier for your readers.
Oh and please refrain from using Korean words if you can. This is an English fic not Korean. I know you wanted your readers to know that the setting is in Korea but that isn’t the way to do it. Describe the setting that would make your readers think it’s in Korea. Use foods that they normally eat (you did that). Or, state the place where it happened. I can’t stop you from using “Oppa” because there is no English equivalent for that (there is but it’s awkward). “Umma” has an English equivalent which is “Mother” or “Mom” so use that instead.
When I got to chapter two I was surprised to too see it cramped. Work on your Chapter 1. Edit it and it’s a must!
Try and do something about your conversations. It’s dull and too much talking. At least describe what they were doing but be wary about the way you do it. You wouldn’t like to sound like a robot now do you?
Overall Enjoyment (4/10)
I honestly didn’t read your chapter 1. The paragraph was too cramped and it’s tiring to read. This is one of the reasons why you don’t really have many subscribers. Do something about it right now, and follow my instructions above.
I enjoy a fic based on the way they write and their plot (no matter how cliché it is as long as it’s good I read it, seriously). Though your plot got me hooked (a little) it still isn’t much for me to ultimately enjoy this fic.
This was supposed to have a score of one but I decided to go past chapter 1 and read chapter 2. Good thing I did or else I’d make the worst review ever. Your score now is 4.
Total Score: 74/100%
reviewed by: nytslyer03
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