Knocking On Mr. Kwon's Heart

Title (5/5)
I love the title—definitely set the romcom feel and it gives us a future insight on what your story will be about rather than straight-forwardly telling us.

Poster & Background & Trailer (5/10)
The poster is really plain—I wish there was more to it like some cutesy stocks in the background rather than just a color. I like it though.

Description & Foreword (1/10)
Both the description and foreword combined was all a mess—I had to scroll up and down 2-3 times just to look for the foreword. What’s with the big mess? You need to organize your description and foreword better because organization is key when you write!

Alright so the description—why did you write the title there with huge purple letters? Your title is already present where the title is supposed to be so…? The information below that does not need to present there—they should be at the bottom of the foreword because it’s information that isn’t important. Heck, there’s a date under your title that informs your reader when you started and ended (which is the ‘Last updated’ one). The character information should be deleted—why? You only have your character’s name, age, dream/group and other information that can be written into the story. Again, not necessary! The only time that I find it appropriate to write a character’s information is when you give 2-3 sentences of some important background about your character—now that doesn’t mean you go and reveal everything there is to know about your character but just a few sentences about your character’s background.

The foreword—I’m literally face-palming myself just seeing that the first thing I see is a big picture of Jiyong and Sandara. Those pictures are what made it impossible for me to find your foreword because they’re a big distraction. Now, why do you have what looks like a summary of your story placed in the foreword and then below that, write, a short foreword? I don’t understand what you’re doing. My suggestion: take what you wrote below the pictures and place them in your description because when one is browsing for a fanfic, one will see your description and if all we see if your title repeated then one will not be able to understand what your story will be about. You have a couple of grammatical errors in your “description” and your short foreword. An example would be the first line:

What you wrote: Dara got a company to save.
What you should have written: Dara has a company to save.

Also, please change your decides to decide—you don’t need to have an ‘s’ at the end.

Plot (3/10)
I actually just got done reviewing a story about arranged marriages and I’m going to say that this story cannot compare to it—your plot is too generic. Dara and Jiyong are forced to marry because of a give-and-take situation. They hate each other. Then begin to fall in love. There’s no twist to this story at all. I feel like you wrote this story because it’s the hot topic of aff.

Also, I find it ridiculous that you have Dara going crazy over Seungri and whatnot. It’s too childish and if I were Dara, I would be embarrassed. I mean, if I ever met my bias in real life, I don’t think I would be screaming and yelling his name like a maniac when he’s standing right in front of me. And I mean that by being in a room with the said bias. I might crack a smile and start laughing to myself, but going crazy and “jumping” is beyond that.

Originality (3/10)
Generic plot has no originality. The only thing that I might have found original about this story is how Dara and Jiyong’s dads decide to do a give-and-take deal, and Dara gives herself up without much argument.

Flow (5/5)
The flow is fine.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary (15/30)
You have a lot of grammar errors—most of them being words that are being used incorrect. Like how you add an ‘s’ to a word. I can’t exactly give you examples because they’re scattered throughout the story but if you get someone with excellent English and grammar to proofread your chapters, then all shall be fine.

Also, most of your sentences do not make any sense. I had to re-read a lot of them 2-3 times to actually understand what your characters were doing. You need to be clearer on this.

The good thing—your use for words impresses me.

Writing Style (2/10)
I do not love your writing style. To describe your writing, it’s very childish. You have emotioncons written into the story and so many exclamation marks. One is enough, my dear. There is no need to be adding in ten more exclamation mark because you’ve already made your point. I really despise seeing emotioncons being written into a story—it shows that you lack the ability to describe how your character feels. I don’t want to see >__< or *embarrassed.*

Also, bolding words that don’t need to bolded is quite annoying, especially when you’re bolding two freaking sentences. Please explain to me why it needs to be bolded. I would really like to know. And, why do you write in words like “KYAAA!” or “AHAHAHAHAHA!” It makes your story look bad and, like I said earlier, it’s very very childish.

One last thing, the switching of the point of views got on my nerves. If you’re going to write Jiyong’s point of view then change it to Dara’s then change it back to Jiyong—don’t! There’s something in the writing world called third person. It’s where you can write how each character feels all in one chapter without changing the POV so much. I mean, what’s the point of changing the point of view three times when you can just write how each character feels.

Overall Enjoyment (0/10)
I did not enjoy this fic—your grammar, writing, the plot and your characters were not well-thought. The funny parts you had in this story was not funny, it was childish. Comedy doesn’t mean you add in “OMG LIKE HE JUST WINKED AT ME AHHH IM GOING DIE!!” No way do I find that funny. Also, the addition of curse words in this story made me cringe. It’s so random and not something I would expect to see in a story has a romcom feel. If you’re going to use , spell the actual word out! Don’t put an asterisk where the 'u' is supposed to be.

And to be quite frank, I don’t like how you begin this story—what with Dara introducing herself and all. Sure this is fanfiction, but would you really just suddenly introduce yourself at random like that? I’m sure you’ve read books about how a character gets introduced into a story, right? Not all of them just straight up say Hi, I’m Dara and I am 20 years old. A way to introduce Dara’s name would probably have her parents say her name and BAM! We now know that the main girl’s name is Dara. Her age? Maybe her dad is being a prick and bugs her about how old she is. See what I mean?

Well, good luck with your story.

Total – 39/100

Reviewer: vangbby