Love Destiny

Title (2/5)
Your title is pretty eye-catching but I don’t see the resemblance it has to your story. Also, the title sounds wrong—like when I say it aloud, I feel like my tongue is rolling and speaking some foreign word. Love Destiny. What exactly does it mean?

Poster & Background & Trailer (3/10)
I really love how the poster looks, but the quote on it is a grammar error. “When friendship always be the first…” That whole sentence right there does not make any sense; the structure is off. For it to look and be grammatically right, change it to: “Friendship always comes first…”

The background is lovely except for that quote you have.

The trailer—it was nicely done but it contained more than 75% of slides informing the readers what your story is about. A trailer is there for a reason and it isn’t to have a bunch of slides with words that you’ve already written in your description. Now, I know it’s hard to even find clips to make it look like it happened in your story but I mean, really, you’re going to make the trailer have more slides than clips? It wasn’t enjoyable and I didn’t feel any anticipation watching the trailer. I mean, you would like to watch a trailer that contained slides with words and only a few clips of the movie pop in? It wouldn’t be that fun nor would it make you anticipate on the movie.

Description & Foreword (6/10)
The grammar… I can’t understand what you’re trying to tell me in your description because your sentence structure is wrong and the words you’re using are wrong. I’ve read it over five times and all I’m getting from it is Donghae and Yoona likes each other but then something bad happens? You might want to consult with someone who has good grammar or get a beta reader. I’ll just do the first line for you.

The first sentence;
What you wrote: Everything was nice, their relationship was happily ever after……..before Donghae lost everything. All of his sweet memories with Yoona just go along of his past life…
Correction: Everything was nice. Their relationship was as happy as Cinderella’s happily ever after—until Donghae lost that everything with a crash! All the sweet memories he had with Yoona was gone in a flash—lost with the life he had before.

•  Reason for the change; a common isn’t necessary because ‘Everything was nice,’ can stand as a sentence alone. The second thing you wrote is, again, another confusing sentence structure. So I just switched it up since you were talking about a happily ever after and most people would think of Cinderella when you hear that line. Then when you get to Donghae—what you wrote did not clear out the reason why he had lost everything. Did he… do something bad? I don’t know. So since, I did read the story and the reason why he lost everything was because of a car accident, why not be ironic and add in the crash. The last sentence you wrote also did not make any sense. It’s like speaking another language just saying that sentence.

Now onto the foreword… sure I enjoy some background information about your characters and all but I don’t think they were necessary. You could have easily written it into your story rather than telling your readers first-hand. Then again, in the character information, you just pretty much wrote the same thing from the description but in depth—not exactly informational. In my opinion, it’s best to write a prologue, excerpt or a quote in your foreword because… well, a foreword is called a foreword for a reason.

Plot (6/10)
I am a bit iffy on the plot because I don’t quite understand it. Why is Donghae going to fake it that he has amnesia just to test Yoona’s love for him? And, here’s the big question, when did he even remember Yoona? I had to re-read the whole story about 3 times to understand how and when Donghae gained his memory back to pretend he has amnesia to Yoona. Even after reading it three times, I still do not understand. Your plot is really confusing but I mean I can sort of understand it but… I really just do not know.

Originality (10/10)
Despite your plot making me confused, I think this story is quite original. I haven’t read another story with this kind twist to it. Especially when you make it unknown to Jessica that she doesn’t know Donghae is Yoona’s ex.

Flow (2/5)
The flow is moving pretty quickly—you need to slow things down and explain more. Like how Donghae suddenly regained his memory and pretends to have amnesia. I still do not understand. Also, when Donghae moves to San Fransico and he meets Jessica then he suddenly meets some girl named Sooyeon… When did she pop into story? I don’t remember unless that’s Jessica’s other name? I don’t know.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary (2/30)
There are so many errors found in this story—and, yes, I completely understand that English is not your first language but I mean, really, you can find another reader here with good English to help you! (Hint: a beta reader!) I can assure you that if you find someone, they’ll be more than happy to help you and if not, you can ask me. I don’t mind.

I’m just going to point out on some things—like your punctuations. Capitalize ‘I’ when it is standing alone! That is proper punctuation and should always be seen when you’re writing an essay, story, poem or some other kind of writing. Exclamation points should be seen only once! You’ve already made your point with one exclamation point, so why are you going to add in more?

Writing Style (1/10)
I’m not a fan of your writing style—all you pretty much have is dialogue with little detail. Not exactly the ideal writing style and it really just makes me want to pull my hair. Write with more detail and explain the events that are happening rather than having dialogue and expecting the reader to understand what’s going on.

Your point of views—I’m really starting to despise point of views. Why would you have 5 point of views in one chapter when really, the point of view is the same scene from the last p.o.v but you just have one line of what the character thinks about the scene. My dear, there is a more efficient way to do this. You can write in third person and write in how everyone feels! You can even write it one chapter without changing point of views and we can understand how your character feels rather than having them think one line from the scene and then you change the point of view again. It’s quite annoying. If you don’t have an idea of how third person is written, I would be more than happy to show you.

Other than that, do not keep changing point of views every 2 dialogue because you want to show your readers how each character feels.

Overall Enjoyment (1/10)
To be honest, I was anticipating on reviewing this story because the title seemed interesting. When I clicked on the story and saw the poster, I was amazed and my anticipation flew up even more! But when my eyes landed on your description… I was confused. You have me all happy to read this story but the description—your writing—just kind of killed it for me. I’m not saying you should stop writing—no!—I encourage you to write more because the more you write, the more your writing improves! Your usage of the English language definitely needs some help—the grammar especially. I know it’s hard to really learn the proper way of writing English but with some help and motivation, you can do it!

One last thing—your last chapter really bugs me. As an author myself, I can understand what you mean though—people requesting you to write the story how they want it go and all. My advice would be to ignore them! This is YOUR story, not theirs. You write how YOU want to. If they don’t like it then who cares—they can read another story on here with their favorite shipping. You write because YOU want to. You don’t write because THEY want you to. You write to express yourself—not them. Anyways, no points were taken off because of this. I just wanted to say something about it.

Good luck with your story!

Total – 33/100

Reviewer: vangbby