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Title (4/5):
I find the title very important, and I think you did a very good job expressing your story. I could tell just right away what kind of story this would be, but it didn’t give me any clues on what exactly will occur.
Poster/Trailer/Background (10/10):
The Poster fit really well with the mood and concept of your story. It was very beautiful and I wouldn’t have done it any other way. The trailer was ok too. Not good or bad. Just normal. Also, I found the background outstanding! The newspaper and the words in the background gave the story a mysterious vibe. Very important to the story, I think.
Description/Foreword (6/10):
The description and the foreword were very straight to the point. I would have liked it if you added a hook to the foreword. If I saw this fanfiction while surfing, I wouldn’t have picked this to read had I only glanced at the foreword. The description does a good job at explaining what the story will be about, but in the foreword, you should try to seduce your readers into using the energy to scroll down and click the “next button”. Although most people don’t judge a book by its cover, the cover is still important. Still it did make me curious as to what Heechul did to save Kibum.
Plot (9/10):
At first the plot seemed boring. Yes it had a mysterious question unanswered and yes it had Kibum, Heechu (that would make any fan want to read this). But it started off pretty slow( which I understand because you needed to get the mood and background in the story as quick as possible). Other readers, on the other hand, might not see this and just move on to another story. I had to say that the transition Kibum goes through is very well paced. I also liked how you added the extra characters (Mir, Donghae, Hongki) to add a little humor and lightheartedness into the fiction. Otherwise, it would have been angst all the way. The story doesn’t seem too out of this world; it has a realistic world with a realistic character with flaws going through a realistic situation. I’m only docking a point because of the slight drag it has in some parts of the fiction. Great plot though!
Originality 9/10:
I have seen a lot of drug-idol fictions, but this story was very different from those. It wasn’t about a idol( Kibum) feeling sorry for himself by doing drugs, it was a story about recovery and love. Unlike most stories, there isn’t a love relationship going on in the plot. It is a friendship sort of love; this is very difficult to see in the asian fanfiction world.
Flow 5/5:
Your story flowed very well. The chapters transitioned smoothly and I especially liked how the flashbacks seemed to contribute to the story; not detract. I know a lot of stories that include flashbacks that don’t necessary need flashbacks. Yours, on the other hand, increases with those added flashbacks.
Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary (25/30):
Kibum sat up and looked around the crappy room that he found himself in, wandering whose house he’d crashed at last night.
Typo: wandered should be wondered
It didn’t look familiar, they never did.
There should be a semicolon (;) after familiar. When combining two sentences together without using words like “and” and “but” use a semicolon instead of a comma. I’m sure you know how to use it, since I saw it many times. But just to remind you (“.”)
He stood outside the hospital room patiently with his aunt, waiting for them to open the door so he could see her.
It should be “he stood patiently outside the hospital room with his aunt.” Also, the “them” isn’t exactly clear. Who is “them?” I know I’m being picky, but small details like this make a big difference when creating a story. It makes it seem real instead of a strict story revolving just around the main characters. Also, add a “that” after “so”.
Kibum asked curiously, holding his father’s hand as the older male led his son over to hiswive’s bed.
“Wives” refers to more than one wife. To say wife in a possessive form is “wife’s”.
Honestly? You’re story doesn’t seem to have any errors. Either you are a wonderful grammar student or you heavily edit. Either way, it was great to see a fanfiction with little errors. I had to scan you story with a fine tip comb to find those errors mentioned at the top. They’re not really “errors” either. Whatever errors you do make do not detract from the story at all. Just watch out for punctuation mistakes; you leave out a bunch of commas. But that’s me being a English geek. Good job!
Writing Style (10/10):
I enjoy your writing style tremendously. Long paragraphs, long sentences and long chapters. Yum. I especially love how you break your long paragraph and long sentences with occasional short, one sentence lines. It makes Kibum’s thought process more sincere and fragmented. It fits with the plot very well. Don’t change your style; it’s very unique. I didn’t see a wonderful writing style as yours for a long time. Congratulations.
Overall Enjoyment (7/10):
Although I loved your writing style and your plot, this story didn’t do much for me. I never liked drug fictions, not matter how awesome the plot and characters were. Since I’m Hongki and Heechul biased, I gave you an extra point! I loved how you incorporated the “Choco ball” club in your story as well as the scenes of To Kill a Mockingbird. It shows that you thought about your story a lot and even researched.
Total Score: 85/100
congratz! Your story will be in the Recommended list!
reviewed by: susanyuenkim
reviewer's Comment: Great story. Wonderful, even. I can’t believe that I never saw your fiction before. It is that good. Just keep on doing what you’ve been doing!
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