I'm Gonna Be In SHINee?!
 

a. Title (3/5) :

-Your title is okay. Not cliché and explain the story well but I think it makes the story too predictable.

b. Poster & Background & Trailer (9/10) :

-Since I can’t make poster well (LOL) so i think your poster is good!^^ your background is fine too. But I minus your point since you didn’t have any trailer

c. Description & Foreword (5/10) :

-I don’t really like your foreword. It’s not that appealing.

‘when Choi, Hannah a 13 yr old girl wanted to be a star she didn’t mean it like this! now she’s being reuited by the S.M Ent to be in the group SHINee, but she was going to be the ONLY GIRL?! Now they’re going to have trouble, love and fun in S.M Ent’

Seriously. It’s sounds kind of childish. (and have many spelling/grammar/etc. mistakes. I’ll tell it at Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary section) Even know your story is a fluff, why don’t you use this kind of sentence instead?

Choi Hannah is a 13 years old girl that wanted to be a star. But what will she do when she’s recruited by SM Entertainment to join shinee and be the only Girl in Shinee? Will she continue and fight for her dreams? Let the trouble, love and fun in SM entertainment begin!

d. Plot (6/10) :

-your plot doesn’t really appeal me. It’s just a common story about a girl joining something with an idol. Even know the love story doesn’t start yet, i can predict there will be Shinee member that fall in love with Hannah, right?

e. Originality (5/10) :

-there are already many kind of story like this in AFF so this isn’t really original.

f. Flow (3/5) :

-It’s actually fine but the 1st paragraph on chapter 1 seems reallllyyy rushed. On the part when Hannah’s dad angry to her because she didn’t tell him about the audition too, how could he calm down so easily then let her go—that easy? I mean you say his dad really hate kpop and doesn’t even let her to keep kpop stuff in her room, so how could she let her REALLY YOUNG child (13 years old omg) go to korea and leave there by herself just because she seems so eager? 0_0 -_-

g. Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary (15/30):

-I don’t know what to say. So many mistakes. I think you need to re-check again before posting it. I’m going to give example from your foreword.

‘when Choi, Hannah a 13 yr old girl wanted to be a star she didn’t mean it like this! now she’s being reuited by the S.M Ent to be in the group SHINee, but she was going to be the ONLY GIRL?! Now they’re going to have trouble, love and fun in S.M Ent’
-No need to put , between someone’s names.
-reuited? Do you mean recruited?
-don’t use yr, use Years. It’s not ‘fine’ and 'yummy' to read lol


h. Writing Style (4/10)

-I dislike your writing style. It just seems weird to me. Honestly.
I’m going to give example with your 1st paragraph in ch1.

‘it was like every morning at 6:30 wake up in the morning and get ready for school, 7:00 go to Starbucks to drink a latte and 7:30 go to school, the black haired girl with side bangs and slightly curled ends with pink streaks and walks to her school as she sees 4 familiar figures right in front of her waving her hands’

It’s really weird. You didn’t even use commas properly. You seem so rushed. Why don’t you write like ‘Hannah wake up at 6:30. Like every morning, she immediately prepare to go to school blahblahblah’

‘the black haired girl with side bangs and slightly curled ends with pink streaks’ SERIOUSLY THIS WORD IS REALLY COMPLICATED 0_0 makes me dizzy lol. Why you make it too detailed? Why don’t you just write ‘A Black haired girl with a slightly curled bangs’?

i. Overall Enjoyment (7/10):

-i quite enjoy your plot but your writing style doesn’t really into meJ


Total - 57/100%

P.S: doesn't get disheartened by my words,kay? I’m just being honest:) hwaiting!

reviewed by: christinovalya