Love could be Lie

Title (2/5)
You only have the first chapter out so I can’t really much because it doesn’t fully reflect off of your title. The only reason I took out points was because it’s wrong. Your title should say: “Love Could Be a Lie.” Always capitalize the first letter in each word except for ‘a,’ ‘and,’ ‘the,’ ‘to’ and more can be found here.

Poster & Background & Trailer (7/10)
I like the poster but the quality of the pictures chosen are bit low, especially the picture on the far right. Background is fine; no trailer so no points are deducted.

Description & Foreword (1/10)
I like your description but it is grammatically wrong.

What you wrote: “Love is the sweetest thing on earth. It can heal you, Protect you. But love also is the baddest thing on earth. It can hurt you, Attack you.”
What you should have written: “Love is the sweetest thing on earth. It can heal and protect you. But love can also be the worst thing on earth. It can hurt and attack you with surprise.”

• Reasons; first off, I just want to say you don’t need to bold in words that are not necessary. You only bold to emphasize; the words you’re bolding do not need any emphasizing! Secondly, you can’t just capitalize the first letter of a word because you want to. You only capitalize the first letter of a word (if) it’s after an ending punctuation OR a proper noun. Thirdly, baddest is not a word! You can look it up in the dictionary and you won’t find it. Lastly, you need to end your ‘sentences’ with an ending mark. I don’t care if you have it centered like that, you need an ending mark!

Onto your foreword; I really dislike character information, especially when you’re just going to give me information you can easily write into your story. A foreword is called a foreword for a reason—in my opinion—it should contain a prologue, excerpt, or a quote that is relevant to your story.

Plot (-/10)
Since you only have a chapter out, and it doesn’t fully compliment the plot, I can’t say much.

Originality (-/10)
Again, same with what I said in the plot. Your first chapter doesn’t reveal a lot so I can’t say anything.

Flow (5/5)
The flow is good.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary (2/30)
You have really choppy sentences, misuse of words, misspellings and your punctuations are wrong! I have a couple of examples to show you what I mean.

What you wrote: "Here's your order sir. Did you need anything?" She said after serving the foods and drinks.
What you should have written: "Here's your order sir. Do you need anything else?" She asks, placing a plate of food and a tall glass of water onto the table.

• Reasons; she’s asking a question so the appropriate use of word would be ‘ask’ rather than saying ‘said.’ The sentence (you wrote) after that just sounds really wrong, so I changed it. It’s your choice if you want to change it.

Second are misspellings you have:
What you wrote: shoook
What you should have written: shook

What you wrote: Eventhough
What you should have written: Even though

What you wrote: Good joob
What you should have written: Good job

Third is the punctuation:

What you wrote: “Noona !”
What you should have written: “Noona!”

• I don’t quite understand why you decided to space it but it’s wrong. You never ever put in a space between a word and the punctuation after OR before it.

What you wrote: "Her parents were dead, living with her 6 brothers."
What you should have written: "Her parents were dead; she lived with her 6 brothers."

• Simply because you can't put a comma there and expect the comma to help end it. The first sentence is pretty much an independent sentence and so is the second sentence, so it’s more likely that you should put a semi-colon there.

Fourth; I just want to mention about how you’re choosing your words. Most of them do not make any sense. For example, you wrote that Yuri was an ‘adult teen.’ To be honest, that’s a contradicting phrase. A more appropriate word would be a ‘young adult.’ Also, if you’re going to use a Korean word, use one that everyone on this site will know what it means. An example would be how you decided to write in the word ‘Kkamjong.’ I don’t even know what that means, and if I don’t know, do you think others will know? So, pretty much, if you’re going to use a Korean word only you know, don’t.

And lastly, when writing, do not abbreviate words that don’t necessarily need any abbreviating! Abbreviation is only appropriate for words like ‘Mr.,’ ‘Ms.,’ and others. An example I found is this one:

What you wrote: "Protect your house, cause almost all of your lifetime will be spend there,"
What you should have written: "Protect your house because your whole life will be spent there."

• If you’re going to abbreviate ‘because,’ don’t! If you leave it looking like that the word can easily mean ‘to make something happen.’ As in, ‘You caused that fire.’ A more careful approach to abbreviate because is to write it like this: ‘cause. It’s more of a slang way to write it but it’s correct. Also, you used the wrong tense of 'spend.' It should be 'spent.'

What you wrote: “It was dark already, she didn't realised that it was already 8 o'clock in the afternoon."
What you should have written: "It was already dark out; she didn't realize that it was already 8 in the afternoon."

·         You can just simply split this sentence into two because they're complete sentences, and commas do not end a sentence—commas are only used to put a pause in one’s writing. Now I would suggest either you put a semi-colon where the comma is OR you use only one of the sentences. Why? Because the two sentences are basically saying the same thing. And, I know that the other part of the world uses ‘realise’ instead of ‘realize’ so I’m not going to take any points off for that. I live in the US so I’m more accustomed to using ‘realize.’

Writing Style (1/10)
I’m not a fan of your writing; like I said above, it’s really choppy. You need to describe more—write how a person is feeling and how they got to their destination. Your sentences were just straightforward and I can’t picture anything while reading it.

What you wrote: "She practically ran towards the nearest hospital as fast as she could. She went straight to the children's room."
What you should have written: "Exiting the restaurant, she takes a turn to her left and sprint her way towards a certain hospital. Once she arrives, she directs herself towards the children's room."

• That whole sentence is too choppy. First off, I don't think you should have written "she ran to the nearest hospital" because that sounds more like she's hurt, so she has to run to the nearest hospital, rather than running to the hospital to see her brother. Secondly, you didn’t even mention when she arrived to the hospital, rather, you just quickly wrote in that she went straight to the children’s room. How did she go the children’s room so suddenly, and when!

One last thing; erase ‘Author’s POV’ at the top because it’s already obvious that you’re not writing this story in one of the character’s point of view. And it isn’t necessary to even put that there.

Overall Enjoyment (1/10)
The first chapter is the only one out and it isn’t exciting nor does it have me sitting on the edge of my seat for more. Good luck with the rest of the chapters though!

Total – 19/80

Reviewer: vangbby