But ,You Promised Me..

Title (3/5)

The title did get me interested because when I saw it I could just hear the desperation dripping
from it, which is good. The only problem is that if you are going to use ellipses it’s supposed to
be three periods and you actually aren’t supposed to use them in a title.

Poster/Background/Trailer (2/10)

Your poster is very poorly made. It’s way too plain and there is nothing about it that drew me in.
You said that you are working hard on this story, so I think you should request from a shop for
an entrancing poster and a matching background.

Description & Foreword (4/10)

In the description you write title, rating, pairing, etc. Why? There is no need to re-write
everything that’s already on the page, that’s what a foreword page is for. We already know the
title, no one actually cares about ratings unless the story is marked R, and if people worry about
that they’ll see it and won’t read it. Pairing, that’s what the tags are for. Disclaimer? This is
fanfiction, you don’t need to write that because everyone knows no one owns anything here.
Warning is okay, but generally if people see a poster with two boys and the pairing name they
can guess it themselves.

Your summary was not great and reading it did not make me want to continue with the story. I’m
sorry, but it just made me laugh at what you wrote.

“Before Karam moved away, him and Jay made a promise (on the forward).”

That’s the most ridiculous thing ever. You should not write (on the forward) that’s lazy and
amateur. Just write the promise right there. Secondly, just write one name of the group, not two.

The foreword wasn’t bad, but you put too much emphasis on trying to make them look super
cute.

Plot (2/10)

From what you have in six chapters, which is not much, I could not make out a plotline and
that’s not good. You wrote that Karam doesn’t remember Jay, shouldn’t I be reading about Jay
trying to make him remember or Karam having flashbacks or whatever? There’s just nothing
there, it’s going in a straight line with no rise to a .

Originality (4/10)

The overall plot you said it should have, two best friends who separate at a young age and
reunite ten years later is so cliché. Not to mention, one goes off to America and doesn’t
remember the latter when the meet again. You haven’t put in any twists or events that make it
your own and separates it from other stories like it.

Flow (3/5)

I think this is going way too slow. It’s mostly because there is no in sight and it’s just
going nowhere.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary (18/30)

Grammar was good and so was spelling and vocabulary.

Dialogue is written poorly, you need to have ending punctuation and I saw several conversations
that had missing commas.

Numbers need to be spelled out.

Writing Style (4/10)

You don’t have a bad writing style, but the format is terrible. You cram everything together way
too much so that sentences and dialogue is pushed together with no space.

This is what you wrote for the foreword:

"W-What do you mean your moving?" Cute 8 year old Jay asked. "My mom says we have to
move to America...I'm sorry Jay.." Innocent 10 year old Karam said with tears in his eyes. "H-
hyung, You have to promise me something..." "What is it?" "You have to promise me, that we'll
always love each other, that we'll always be best friends...Promise?" Jay stuck out his pinkie with
hope. Karam also took out his pinkie and intertwined it with Jay's. 'I Promise"

This is what it should look like:

“W-What do you mean you’re moving?” Cute, eight year old Jay asked.

“My mom says we have to move to America. I’m sorry, Jay,” Innocent, ten year old Karam said
with tears in his eyes.

“H-Hyung, you have to promise me something.”

“What is it?”

“You have to promise me that we’ll always love each other, that we’ll always be best friends.
Promise?” Jay stuck out his pinkie with hope. Karam also took out his pinkie and intertwinted it
with Jay’s.

“I promise.”

Now, you lack in writing in description. You write the two boys with too much emphasis on
making them cute with words, but it needs to be in details. And setting is almost non-existent.

Like this:

As the bright sun began to fade past the horizon of the late summer evening, two boys stood
facing each other in the city park with somber expressions clouding their faces.

“What do you mean you’re leaving?” Jay asked, unable to grasp the reality of the situation.
Karam sighed softly and stepped forward, taking Jay’s hands into his own. Tears clouded his
vision but he didn’t bother to wipe them away as they trailed down his cheeks.

“My mom says we’re moving to America. I’m so sorry, Jay,” Karam whispered miserably. Jay
lowered his head as his own tears fell, splashing against their intertwined hands.

“H-Hyung, you have to promise me something,” He said in a wavering voice.

“Of course, anything!” Karam agreed earnestly; anything to make Jay stop crying. It hurt so
much to see his best friend hurting like this.

“Promise that we’ll always be best friends,” Jay said hopefully. Karam nodded and pulled their
hands apart, so they could link their pinkies together.

“I promise.”

Overall Enjoyment (0/10)

I didn’t enjoy this because there was so much lacking from it and it was very awkward. There
is so much randomness in it that I just couldn’t take it seriously. Like, how could you say that
Karam doesn’t remember Jay and yet when they meet ten years later he immediately says that
Jay looks and acts just like someone he used to know? Or like, the story started completely out
of nowhere, with Jay being put in a group. You need to slow down and give a little background
information on that.

Other things that made the story awkward was when you wrote ‘the boss of the company’.
Generally they are called CEO’s and if this is a story about a group then they belong to a
company and that company has a name and the CEO has a name, you should say it. Secondly,
the CEO of the company, any company that has idols, don’t usually interact so friendly with
their idols. Sure, J.Y.P is way friendly with his idols, but most companies keep a distinct distance
from bonding with their artists.

What was with the random trip to S.M Entertainment and the random appearance of Super
Junior? Unless that actually happened in real like, don’t write something like that. And honestly,
they probably aren’t going to be super friendly in real life with people they don’t know,
especially with boys that are younger than them. There is a concept in S. Korea about seniority
that is huge.

But anyways, this was not enjoyable to read. It’s way too awkward and random, I couldn’t spot
the actual plotline or see the story progress in any way, and it was written poorly.

R/N: Remember, you said that whatever the result was that you wouldn’t be offended. I hope you
keep that promise.

Total Score: 40/100%

reviewed by: peacelovehugs