The Trip From NORMAL to MAGICAL

Title (0/5)

The title does not fit the story at all. First off, why did you write trip? Kaeri was only walking home from
school when she got transported to the other world. Secondly, you don’t need to put all caps words in the
title, it’s not proper.

For this sort of story, I think you could have come up with something more majestically such as:

Into The Magician’s Hat

Or

Caught in the Magician’s Hat

There is actually a hidden meaning behind this one which would go well with your story. It means that a
dark magician caught you in their trap and won’t let you go, aka love. But then again I’m not sure; I just heard

that in a kid book…

Poster/Background/Trailer (0/10)

Normally I don’t go all out on posters, but since you have a good story line it annoyed me that your poster
was so freaking boring. I mean, what the heck were you thinking? I know that you requested, but did you
tell them it was a magical story? I want to see like cards and magician stuff, darkness! But it’s all fluffy
white with smiles! It totally does NOT match your story at all!

And since there was no background or trailer I’ll grade the character chart instead. Again, disappointed. It
needs to be bigger so we can actually read what it says. It does not match the poster, which it should. You
should have given the person you requested a color scheme so everything would be matching. As for the
character pictures used, I think you could have found better. They all need dark looks in their eyes. And
the little description under only needs to be what they are, like Angel, Magician, Vampire; not best friend,
companion, etc.

Description & Foreword (2/10)

The two sentence description was not some that caught my attention. You need something pretty
spectacular for this story, like give us something mystic. Don’t put an author’s note in the description, it’s
the very last thing that should be on the foreword page and the font size needs to be smaller.

The foreword: The stuff in the brackets under the character chart is unnecessary. And writing that sneak
preview/summary/plot is pointless as well. The description of the story in general is boring.

Plot (10/10)

I liked the plot a lot; I absolutely love these types of stories.

But be careful not to make things too cliché by using magic powers like Twilight or Harry Potter stuff.

Originality (10/10)

This is purely an original story, at least on this site. I’ve seen several magical and supernatural stories on
here, but I haven’t come across one like this. Just be careful that you don’t use ideas and characteristics of
actual published books because that could get your story removed from the site.

Flow (1/5)

You move way too fast. Kaeri is walking home from school she gets hit by lightening and transported to
a weird place and is forced to go to school where she finds out she is a pure magician but ranked in the
lowest class. BAM there’s your story.

Slow down, write things out. You give us no scenery to the new world at all. What does the school look
like? What’s her personality like? Give us these details and drag the chapters out instead of rushing into
everything so quickly.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary (15/30)

Comma usage was very weak and you have too many run-on sentences.

Italicized thoughts are too mixed in with the rest of the story, but that’s just part of the writing style.

Ellipses, the ….., only need to be three and only used as a pause.

Don’t use - or Do. This. Because. It’s. Annoying.

Dialogue was very poorly written.

The entire story needs drastically edited.

Writing Style (6/10)

I generally tell people that they lack description and put too much dialogue in, but yours is the opposite.
You write way too many paragraphs that explain random stuff that’s irrelevant to the story. The dialogue
used is not interesting in any way and its complete folly for this type of story. Now, you write things in an
amateur way, but it’s close to being considered ‘good’. Some paragraphs are too short and some are too
long. You need to know when they need to be combined and split.

You have such a big and great idea for this story, but your writing ability just isn’t ready for this yet. I
advise you, because this is a good plot, to put it on hiatus for awhile. Write some other stuff and improve
your skills and then come back to write again and it has potential to be a really good story that people
would love to read.

Overall Enjoyment (7/10)

I did like your story, as magical ones are always interesting. But it’s not something that I would continue
reading because I don’t really like your writing style.

Total Score: 51/100%

reviewed by: peacelovehugs

The story was not bad at all and if you would like I could edit it for you, just submit it to my shop and
I can get it done within the week. Also, for the poster and background, if you take my advice and get
something darker and more mystic I could suggest a few shops.