Baby Wuv

Title (2/5)
I don’t get the title even though you did explain why you called it that; it’s a bit random, at most. I can’t say much because you only have three chapters and those three chapters do not define your title

Poster & Background & Trailer (-/10)
No poster—no points will be taken off.

Description & Foreword (1/10)
The description should not start with why you decided to write a story with such a plot or if you couldn’t help but write a story like it. The description should start with what you wrote under “The Story” because it’s a short summary of your story. And when browsing for a fanfic, the description is present and if all I see on the description is “An L.Joe x OC fanfiction about a poor girl anf a rich guy. Yes...I know I have a million fanfictions that I have to update, but I couldn't help myself!...” then there’s a probability that I won’t click on the story. Why? Well, first it would strike out at me as unorganized—you don’t know what you’re doing so you’re just going to write whatever. I know it sounds ridiculous and you’re free to write whatever you want because this is the internet but, in my opinion, organization is key! Anyways, what you wrote in pink should go in the foreword, under your prologue, excerpt, or quote that you have (which you don’t).

The foreword has me face-palming myself—I mean, I actually do not mind reading character information that has a few sentences about a character’s background rather than seeing bullets of their trait, but your information is a no-no. Ask yourself: is it really informational to know that Tori is a nerd? You can write that in your story, letting your readers know that she’s a nerd and I think it would be a bit obvious because this story is typical and very generic.

Plot (1/10)
This is a really generic and typical plot—OC is a nerd; gets bullied; parents hate her; she’s sold off to some guy to be the guy’s son’s maid. I’m pretty sure I saw a featured story with the same plot. If you want to make this story different, try twisting the plot some—don’t go for the obvious but for something unexpected.

Also, I don’t get why her parents hate her so much—explain more? Did she do something bad? I don’t know.

Originality (1/10)
I can’t call it an original when your plot is generic.

Flow (5/5)
The flow is fine.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary (28/30)
There are minor errors but it’s nothing too bad.

Writing Style (10/10)
Despite the generic plot, I like your writing style!

Overall Enjoyment (4/10)
I have to admit, I did enjoy this story to a certain point—but I just cringe reading about how much her parents hate her. If they hate her so much, why have a kid? Why didn’t they just leave her in the streets, or something? But I guess her parents were lucky to find a man willing to take Tori in as a maid, even though she has no experience. There has to be a reason why L.Joe’s father would agree to it—a twist to the plot?

One good thing that came out of this story is probably whenever Tori was insulting L.Joe’s hair; for some reason, I found that part to be cute and I sort of smiled reading it. Fluff is a weakness of mine. But I don’t know if you meant to write that as fluff. Maybe? I don’t know.

And one last thing; your characters—I can’t relate L.Joe to what you wrote in the foreword. He doesn’t seem like a bad boy nor does he seem like a playboy. He seems quiet and it looks like he’s just a follower. I don’t see how he’s stepping up—to be a badboy, or playboy—anywhere. I know you only have three chapters but when you had him picking—well, more like talking to Tori, he just kind of… said things that didn’t look insulting. He seemed childish. Which is somewhat related to his description but I was expecting to read that when we see the two of them interact at his house, or in privacy.

To end this—good luck with your future chapters! You can pull this I-am-your-maid-but-im-a-nerd thing off if you think outside of the box. Just a suggestion of mine—a suggestion I think every writer on this site should take. The more you think outside of the box, the more ideas you’ll have that differ.

Total – 52/90

Reviewer: vangbby