The Boy Who Leapt Through Time

Title (2/5)

Interesting enough, but too much like the title you based this off of.

Description & Foreword (4/10)

I think you should leave the description as “It all started with a bad day…”

It sounds mysterious and draws in attention.

Other than that, you only have one other sentence where you state that it’s loosely based off something.
You shouldn’t put that in the story, let alone the first sentence. When I see people write that they got the
idea from a movie or book or was inspired by it I always think ‘Oh, they can’t come up with their own
stuff. That’s kind of lame’. So you should probably take that out if there are other picky people like me on
the site.

Plot (/10)

You only have one chapter and that hardly even gives us a glance on what the story is going to even be
about. So, Baekhyun can leap through time. Why? Where does he go? What happens? Until you have
more written, I can’t grade you on this.

Originality (/10)

Or this.

Flow (2/5)

You moved way too fast and skipped out on a lot of details and description. When you move to fast the
story get’s confusing and people are not going to understand what’s going on.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary (30/30)

I couldn’t find any mistakes at all :)

Writing Style (2/10)

You have a lot to improve on with your writing.

There is hardly any description going on. In the first part you see Baekhyun wrestling his brother because
he woke up late. You need to add details. Describe the room they are in and what they’re wearing. Put
more emphasis on why Baekhyun is angry that he woke up late. Was it because he was going to be late
for school or because he missed breakfast?

On the way to school: What’s the weather like outside? How long does it take to get to school? What does
the school even look like?

After this, the story gets rather confusing so I can’t really give you much more. Just put in description,
details, and emotions because if you don’ t then you’ll have a very one dimensional story.

Overall Enjoyment (0/10)

There’s not really anything there for me to enjoy, you need to write more before you ask for a review
because I can’t really give you anything on one chapter.

Total Score: 40/70%

reviewed by: peacelovehugs

Reviewer's note: Remember, you asked for a strict reviewer. If it’s not what you wanted to see then you shouldn’t have
asked in the first place.

Reviewer's note: If you don't like the review and start bashing me and their subscribers do, then I will gladly contact the admin and they'll get suspended from the site~ remember rule #1 says no bashing!