Jung Daehyun, Yoo Youngjae's Baby Journal

Title (1/5)

I don’t think the title you chose fit the story very well. I understand that they each kept a baby journal,
but I think you should have chosen a title that summed up the entire story, not just one small detail of it.
Not to mention, it is written incorrectly. You wrote the title thinking of each of their journals, so it should
be written as ‘Jung Daehyun’s and Yoo Youngjae’s Baby Journal’s’. Either way, I think you should take
their last names out because it takes up too much space and drags it down.

Poster/Background/Trailer (4/10)

The poster you have does not fit the story at all. First off, there is no baby there. As the story contains
a baby, the poster should have a picture of one. Secondly, because the story is about first time parents,
anyone would expect the poster to be sentimental, but it’s not even close to that.

Description & Foreword (4/10)

The description wasn’t anything interesting. I know that sometimes it is hard to come up with something
to write, but just writing those four words really doesn’t seem interesting. Just give a quick sentence or
two about what we are about to read or how Daehyun and Youngjae got together in the first place.

For the foreword, that section you have explaining things about your story; there is absolutely no need for
it. Your disclaimer, making a huge paragraph just to tell people not to steal/plagiarize your story? Don’t
flatter yourself. Why would people even want to steal your story? What makes you so special? Nothing,
so it looks completely immature to write something like that.

Plot (2/10)

No offense, but I saw no plot to this story. Everything jumps around so much and there is no point
to anything that you’ve written. There are no events, no problem the character’s face, no or
resolution, nothing.

Originality (1/10)

There is really nothing original about this, because there is no plot. All you have is two unmarried men
that have a child. Do you know how many stories on this site there are exactly like that?

Flow (1/5)

Your flow is absolutely atrocious. Everything is written in a rush with no time to explain anything. I
mean, first you write them in a hospital pregnant. Well, how the hell did a man get pregnant anyways?
Does he have magical powers? Is he a hermaphrodite? Transgender? Give some dumb explanation to that,
because men can’t get pregnant.

Then you rush right into them having the baby at the hospital. Where the hell is the baby coming out of?
His rear? Or did they have to do a cesarean? And the hospital was really cool just delivering a man’s
child, without calling the news or anything?

And for the rest of the story the kid just keeps aging without any significant markers in his life.

You need to stop, think, and then write because this is so rushed it sounds terrible.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary (15/30)

There were several mistakes, but it’s mostly because of your lack of writing style.

Vocabulary was no good at all, very plain and boring.

But the biggest thing of all was when you add !!! to the end of sentences.

Writing Style (4/10)

The writing style is very amateur, but you have potential.

The story lacks detail, and I think that is your biggest problem. You give no description or explanation
to anything and that is no good. Don’t just write whatever comes to your mind, write outlines for each
chapter and make a end point to work towards or else everything will end up unorganized and sloppy.

Your characters are very bland and have no real personality to them. Their thoughts are nonexistent and
there’s really nothing about them that gives off an emotional connection.

Overall Enjoyment (0/10)

Speaks for itself.

Total Score: 32/100%

reviewed by: peacelovehugs