calling lockeyme
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Title (3/5)
Your title makes me feel like your story will be somewhat inspiring. At a first glance, I'd think your story would have a message to it. It wasn't quite relevant to your plot, though. When you come up with a title, it's really important to make sure it fits with the storyline.
Poster & Background & Trailer (7/10)
The poster looked astonishing. Just one thing, I'd like it better if the designer used high quality pictures. Other than that, it's amazing!
Description & Foreword (7/10)
Your description was well worded, although, I feel like it was missing something. I think you could be a little bit more specific. For instance, the line at the end:
"With the time running out, would you be able to make it to the end?"
I believe you didn't mention anything about having a certain time. Nor what the end was. I understand if you using these kind of phrases to generate suspense, but it would be a lot better if you added just a bit more detail. Just make sure not to give off too much of the plot when doing so.
Plot (5/10)
Your plot was good enough to keep me intrigued. I just felt like it lacked a bit. Maybe you could have added a cliffhanger at the end of some chapters, just to add more suspense. The plot was still overall interesting, but I think you could have added more events to make it even better.
Originality (5/10)
Your plot was kind of cliched. The whole thing about an immortal going back into the mortal world, and completing some kind of mission - it's been used a lot. You did add some of your own original flair to it, since you mixed it in with the idea of Christianity. I haven't read much fics revolving around Christianity. But, since most of your plot has been re-used many times, I deducted quite a bit of your points.
Flow (5/5)
Everything flowed smoothly, not too fast or too slow. I never really have much to say here.
Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary (20/30)
Firstly, the very first line of the first chapter:
"Today’s New Year. I watch people from below how well they do as fireworks explode in front of me."
Correction: "Today is New Years. I watched as people from below celebrated, fireworks exploding like bursts of light." Something along those lines.
Also in the first chapter, "I looked at my side. And there, like a pair of binoculars, I saw a house with a boy not enjoying himself. It’s quite a big house."
"But he was in his room, staring at nowhere."
Correction: "I looked to my side. And there, I spotted a house. There was boy inside, who didn't really look like he was enjoying himself. It was quite a big house."
I found a few more mistakes as I was reading through your chapters. I won't mention all of them, but I think you should re-read your chapters to make sure you don't have any mistakes.
Writing Style (5/10)
"I watch people from below how well they do as fireworks explode in front of me." (from the first chapter.)
Watch is supposed to be watched.
Yeah, so make sure you watch out for small things like that. Remember, proof-read through your stories to make sure you catch any errors.
Overall Enjoyment (5/10)
reviewed by: -dinoraawr
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