When a playboy fall in love with a innocent girl

Title(1/5)

It should have been 'When a Playboy fell in love with an Innocent Girl'. Besides the non-capitalization in the title, it's not likable or catchy. Maybe those who love cliché would click it but to me, this was just too cliché and I don't like the title at all. Yes, Jonghyun is a playboy here but not that much as I read your story. The girl, she doesn't even sound innocent for me, it's just that she's not a playgirl but she doesn't seem innocent too.

Poster & Background & Trailer (8/10)

The poster is cute. I deducted points because the color doesn’t match (Jonghyun’s pic is like an old historical pic/grayscale while the girl isn’t) ; this is probably the highest mark.

Description & Foreword(5/10)

Cool description—it just didn't strike me to read, but it was a bit interesting since it is about teenagers falling in love, having a baby and getting married. That following steps are common, but it's something that can give people lessons so when I read your description, I hoped that I could learn something with it.

The foreword talks about the characters. I like how you described the following characters. Nevertheless, I hate the main character Miko in this story. Her being innocent, I hate it. Because she's innocent, she looks like she is easy to get. She accepted Jonghyun's feelings just like that, without hesitating. It could have been better if she made him wait.

Plot(4/10)

Cliché. A typical playboy meets innocent girl and they fell in love. I didn't like it one bit, I've read stories like this over and over again. I know it's realistic and I've got to say when the innocent girl accepted the playboy as her girlfriend even though they are not very close or their love didn't gloom much like there's no chemistry between them, that part, it's realistic. Usually innocent girls aren't hard to get. In fact, they are easy to get because they are too innocent. Miko's character here is like one of the people I know, so because of that, I gave your plot 5 points. It's realistic, so it's fine. I also love the thrilling and emotional part when Miko got stabbed, not that I'm happy about it but because I've realized to myself what love really is for her and for him.

Originality(3/10)

This wasn't original. This story being realistic and all happening around the main character is common, so if you explore more on reading FFs, you'll see there are other stories like this. The playboy and innocent part, when the girl almost got (I hated that part because Jonghyun only called the police, could have been better if he beat those guys), when they had a baby and got married.

Flow(2/5)

The flow was going too fast. The first chapter, Jonghyun was being a ert and all that. The first time he touched her and she looked at him, he immediately thought he likes her. That's too rush since it was only on chapter 1. It could have happened later in the story. The next next thing, he and the innocent girl are already in love just after one happening when Jonghyun helped the girl. Arg, their love story wasn't gloomy at all. And it seems fast forward, they started dating and then the next you wrote months later without being descriptive.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary(8/30)

I could have given you a lower score because of everything as stated above. Your grammar should really be improved and you really have to proofread because of your misspellings. I found a lot.

Here are some at random chapters:

wrong :We keep refreshing our memories , I realize that i really love her , even though , i am a playboy , she changed me , that's why i treat her as my precious baby . Thanks to her . "Sorry baby, i cant give you any Honeymoon , we can only do some simple memories .." I apologised to her  . She lying on my chest , i ruffed her hair . "I am fine , there's don't need a honeymoon , as long as i have you , it's enough." She cares my face/cheeks kiss my lips , i kiss back :* "I love you baby." I kiss her again , but this time is forehead , "I love you too ."  This is how we end our day .

it could have been :We kept refreshing our memories. I realized that I really love her. Even though, I am a playboy, she changed me. That's why I treat her as my precious baby. Thanks to her.

"Sorry baby, I can't give you a Honeymoon. We can only do some simple things," I apologized to her. She lay on my chest, I ruffled her hair.

"I am fine, there's no need for a honeymoon. As long as I have you, it's enough." She caresses my face and kissed my lips, I kissed her back.

"I love you, baby." I kissed her again, but this time is on her forehead.

"I love you too," and that is how we ended our day.

Your punctuations are a mess. Sometimes there's comma word after word, and that just doesn't make sense. Like why would they pause (because of the coma) when they aren't supposed to pause.

There are other mistakes so I guess; I'm going to check a few chapters.

Chapter 1:

I walked to school alone , On the way i saw JongYeon , she was walking alone in the street on the way to school ... "Hey JongYeon!" I call her . She turn around , she just nod her head .. "Hey jongyeon , what happened ??" I asked her ... "I am thinkning something.. " So i walked beside her to school . She's not like that , always she is the most cheerful girl , always nag me .. But today , she didn't she just keep slience ... what happened? then i walked in to class ... Saw the 'PLAYBOY' in our class .. you know -> Kim Jong Hyun , Known as erted student ! ... BLAH BLAH BLAH ~ T^T what is Jongyeon doing ??UH ?? :O What did he do ?? haish .. DON'T CARE >< Wait , some one touching my ... MY ? I turn around , the stupid jonghyun touch me ... "YAH! What are you doing?"

correct: While I was on my way to school, I found JongYeon. She was walking alone in the street.

"Hey, Jongyeon!" I called her. She turned around and just nodded her head. "Jongyeon, what happened?" I asked her again.

"I'm thinking about something," she said and so, I decided to walk along wither to school. She wasn't like that. She was usually the most cheerful girl I've ever met, always nagging me. But today, she didn't. She just kept silent.

Afterward, I went to class and saw Kim Jonghyun. Known as a erted student! ----etc.---

___ Okay so, it would be much better to describe things like how it happened that Jonghyun was touching her ****. Not just 'what did he do? Don't care... wait, someone is touching my ****. Not just like that, although it's straight to the point when you write like that.

By the way, I really think that the way your write is very childish and messy. But I hope this wasn't that harsh on you, I tried my best here. You have a wonderful story to those readers who love realistic stories; you can just continue with that but improve your grammar and more. You can search here on AFF, someone made a grammar thread where it's like tutoring authors about grammars and everything. I just forgot the title but anyway, you should try that and I promise you, it'll help you to the fullest and plus, it will let you know about the mistakes you made in your story. Good luck!

Writing Style(4/10)

You should fix your grammatical errors, maybe proofread. Besides the errors, your writing style is quiet messy and so short. It could have been a little bit long if it wasn't that messy. It doesn't look neat at all and the pictures didn't help, you should have at least described it than put pictures. When you write ‘blablabla’, :D KEKE, T^T or ^O^. That isn’t really appropriate when writing a story.

Overall Enjoyment(4/10)

 I enjoyed it a bit, to be honest. So, don't stop updating, okay? I might hate some of the characters, but the story as a realistic one made me want to read more like what's Miko's destiny?

Total - 39/100%

Reviewed by: sususco123