Of Cops and Robbers

Title (5/5)
The title definitely matches your story—I have no other complaint.

Poster & Background & Trailer (10/10)
I love the poster—the cutout of the girl, the background and the circle with the two main guys just set the mood for your story. I also like the quote presented on the poster—it’s just perfect and not random, like most quotes are.

The background is fine.

No trailer so no points are taken off.

Description & Foreword (2/10)
The description has way too much information crammed in—you can easily tone it down to a couple of short, simple sentence(s). Also, right off the bat, you have grammar errors.

What you wrote: When the cop striving for justice in this cruel world meets the mysterious criminal absolutely bent on giving his ‘thanks’ to all those who want that thing mockingly called as ‘justice’, all hell simply breaks loose.
What you could have written: When a cop, who is striving for justice in this cruel world, meets a mysterious criminal, who is absolutely bent on giving his thanks to all of those who want that mockingly thing called ‘justice,’ all hell breaks loose.

• Reasons for the change; ‘a’ is a better use than ‘the’ simply because you’re specifying one person. The rest is pretty much a run-on sentence; you need commas to show a pausing point in the sentence. It would be hard to read all of that in one breath before I could get to the comma you have. I also added in ‘who is’ because it’s referring to who is striving and who is absolutely bent on giving his thanks. Next; if you take away the –ly in mockingly, you get ‘mocking’ which is an adjective that describes a noun. Thing is pretty much a noun and it needs something to describe it. Therefore, you need to change it around for it to make sense. The last thing, and a lot of writers (on this site) do this, is how you place your comma. I learned about commas in grade school and this one has stuck with me ever since; you never leave your commas outside of a quote! It always stays inside no matter what.

Everything below that seems random—why are you going to add more when that whole sentence gives us an insight on what your story is going to be about. I say erase what you have below because that sentence is good all by itself.

Onto the foreword; I like what you wrote, but your sentence structures seem off. I had to re-read the first sentence a couple of times before I could fully understand. Also don’t forget about commas!
What you wrote: Ri Young doesn’t know how long it’s been since they’ve gotten away from her cautious eyes.
What you could have written: Ri Young couldn’t recall how long it had been since they had gotten away from her sight.

• What I think when I read your sentence is people running her Ri Young eyes—literally. The best suggestion (word) I could come up with is ‘sight.’ Simply because it sounds more appropriate and I can’t imagine people running from her eyes. Also, your tenses do not match. Lastly, I feel confused as to who ‘they’ are; maybe give ‘they’ a name so I can get a clear picture who it is because it feels really fuzzy.

To end this category, I have to admit that I like your character information. Why? Because it is actual character information that is definitely needed and you’re not just giving us random information about a character! This is what I want to see! It brightens up my day!

Plot (9/10)
The plot of the story is definitely interesting—though I have to admit I was confused as to whom Aiden was, till I checked out your foreword. Anyways, I like where things are going. No other complaint.

Originality (10/10)
I would say this is an original—I haven’t read any other action fics but this one definitely has its own spice to it. The character is definitely an original—she’s a cop that has a goal! Most characters (on this site) do not have goal; their only goal is to get the boy and fall in love. Your character actually strives for something—and I like it!

Flow (5/5)
The flow is going at a pretty good speed.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary (10/30)
While reading your story, I was taking notes on a notepad (on my computer) to look for any mistakes. Surprisingly, I have a lot of notes about your grammar—mostly sentence structure, your tenses and your use for punctuations. Already, the very first sentence you have in chapter one has me confused. That is not a good way to start your story and all the errors found below belong in chapter one.

What you wrote: Ri Young recalls that she first meets him in the small space of the interrogation room where she’s assigned to do a little question and answer for their station’s so-called favorite.
What you could have written: Ri Young recalls the first time she met him—the station’s so-called favorite criminal. It was in the small space of an interrogation room where she was assigned to do a little question and answer.

• Reasons for the change; that whole sentence is a run-on. It just keeps running and running and running without a pause. Also the phrase ‘that she first meets him’ is grammatically wrong—the structure is really off. Next, I just had a hunch that ‘the station’s so-called favorite’ was ‘him,’ so I decided to add it to the end of my first sentence. Lastly, your tenses do not match; recall and meet have different tenses. Recalls means to remember something or bring something back to mind; a past tense. Meet is a present tense.

Another error you have is using words that contradict or they have the same meaning yet you still write it in. You do this a lot!
What you wrote: “I haven’t been questioned by you, yet.” He says simply, directly.
What you could have written: “I haven’t been questioned by you yet,” he simply says. OR “I haven’t been questioned by you yet,” he directly says to her.

• ‘Simply’ and ‘directly’ are words that describe the tone of how a person is speaking. Yet you have the two words, that have almost the same meaning, in the same sentence, right next to each other with a comma in the middle. Just to let you know, the comma does nothing. You’re still saying the same thing. I would suggest using the first sentence I wrote because it sounds more appropriate.

Another error I found annoying was your tenses; you need to have your tenses match up! I have to admit that I, too, struggle with this because it sounds so right when it’s really wrong. An example I have is this:
What you wrote: He knows what will happen in the end anyway, so he decides to entertain them and their ego, thinking they’ve finally captured him. 
What you could have written: Knowing what will happen in the end, he decides to entertain them; striking their ego and making them think that they’ve finally captured him.

• Reasons for the change; in my opinion, it’s never too good to have more than one ‘he’ in a sentence. One is enough this sentence because we pretty much know who you’re talking about. Anyways, onto the tenses you have—‘decides’ and ‘’ are the verb of your sentence and they do not match. Either you write in present tense or in past tense; you can’t have both. In the sentence I wrote, I decided to separate the two.

One last error I am going to point out:
What you wrote: He gives her an easy smile that makes her nothing but uneasy.
What you could have written: He smiles coolly, making her feel uneasy.

• Why not use another word to describe easy? The rest of the sentence just a mouthful of words that can easily be toned down.

Lastly, I’m going to comment about your punctuations. It really bugs me how you’re not adding commas when needed and how you are adding in commas when they are not needed. Commas tell us how to read and understand sentences because they tell us where to pause. Periods tells us when a sentence is ending, and that the next sentence will have a different subject. You must know when to use the two because your sentences need them.

Writing Style (4/10)
I like your writing style because you do describe the setting and the mood, but the way you’re writing your sentences and such, just doesn’t do it for me. Your writing needs to flow. An example I have is this one:
What you wrote: She wonders briefly if she should disturb him, the young man seems to be asleep.
What you should have written: Walking over, she briefly ponders if she should disturb the young man, who seems to be in deep slumber.

• Reason; your sentence does not flow at all! Even with the comma—in fact, there shouldn’t even be a comma there. A comma does not mean that a sentence is ending, it only means there is a pause and that sentence doesn’t need a pause, it needs to flow—end.

You do this a lot. I had to re-read your sentences before moving on because I couldn’t understand what you were trying to say.

Overall Enjoyment (5/10)
I am half and half on this; I didn’t exactly enjoy the story due to your confusing sentence structures but I did find the plot to be interesting. I like the suspense you have going on—Aiden really has no clue as to whom Jin Rae, or Ri Young, is. Which I do find a bit weird because, wouldn’t he have recognized her eyes or something?

Also, I know this is just a tiny detail to the story but in chapter four, you have the boss giving Hyukjae and Ri Young a file of Aiden. The picture in the file is 1x1—being a graphic artist, 1x1 is extremely small. You probably can’t even make out the person’s face or anything at all. I would suggest changing that because that’s impossible.

Other than that, good luck with your story!

Total – 60/100

Reviewer: vangbby
I see a bit of conflict going on in the comment section.
Please PM either me or sususco123 for any complaint.