Tell Me Goodbye

Title (2/5)

The title is pretty eye-catching but it doesn’t fully reflect off of what your story is about. The title sounds more like a heartbreaking story, and yours’ is more… action-y and revengeful.

Poster & Background & Trailer (10/10)

I really love the poster, along with the background!  Definitely sets the mood for your story because I have a better feeling of how your story is going to be like—kudos to the poster maker!

Description & Foreword (3/10)

I despise what I see in this section—it is all so messy and there are so many errors. First, I’m going to talk about your description; I love the fact that you have the story plot/summary/description first because when browsing for a story, it’s the first thing we see after the title and the tags but you have grammar errors going on—the first sentence is structured wrong.

What you wrote: Angela Park is an agent who is searching who killed her fiancée. 
What should be written: Angela Park is an agent searching for the person who killed her fiancée.

            Reason for the change is because it doesn’t make any sense and Angela Park is pretty much describing ‘who is’ in your sentence so there’s no need for you to even write it!

Now the second part—I don’t get it. No matter how many times I read it, I don’t understand what you’re trying to say. It’s too wordy and too random. Think more about how you’re going to write your description before posting it up.

Character information is not needed—I don’t get why they’re there because as a writer, you should be able to write your character’s personality in the story rather than telling a reader firsthand. I could care less about how old they are or what their specialty is.

The foreword—it’s fine but why are things being rushed so quickly? I think all you should have written was about Angela getting married with her about-to-be-husband but then he gets killed, and then end it. It would have created suspense to your readers about how you’re going to write your next chapter and how you’re going to lead the rest of the story up to your foreword.

Also, have you ever heard of spacing between an ending mark and the first word of a sentence? Why squeeze everything together like that?

Plot (1/10)

I feel so confused—I don’t understand your intention anymore. At first I thought this was going to be about Angela finding the murder of her dead fiancée but then… things start to change, like how Amy was sudden in the group. Why would they allow her to just join them when she had witnessed what the other team had done? Why does she seem so happy to have joined them? I would have been terrified and confused with the situation—also, with them being agents, don’t they have special technology that can erase one’s memory of what they had witnessed? The whole thing had me shaking my head, and I had to re-read every chapter just to understand—which after 2-3 times of re-reading, I still don’t understand. Think thoroughly about your plot before you actually post up your story.

My best suggestion is to write a chapter beforehand and/or write some chapter ideas onto a piece of paper and if you like it, try to interpret into the story (with future chapters). Don’t just write whatever comes to your mind because then you’ll confuse your readers more.

But, one thing I did notice to see is on your foreword, you mentioned about re-rewriting/editing the story. OK, first thing is first, if you’re going to edit, please edit before you request for a review. You said it would be confusing since you were editing and that is not helpful because, if it’s going to be confusing, how will I be able to understand what you’re writing? Please fully edit the story before requesting for a review. Just a tip because I’m sure other reviewers would be confused if you were to have them review and yet, you’re still editing. Not unless, you aren’t then maybe you should erase what you wrote at the bottom.

Originality (5/10)

I think this story has originality—what with the main OC avenging her fiancée’s (to which I’m guessing isn’t an idol) death but there are many other stories with the same idea you have.

Flow (1/5)

Things are moving way too fast for me—first we see Angela get married, then she’s Chief, they have a mission to look out for Sophia, the mafia (I’m guessing) kills a teacher(?), Amy witnesses and… she gets accepted into Cube for some apparent reason and so on. There needs to be a pause in the story for you to explain to us what’s happening rather than just BAM! BAM! BAM! Here’s this and here’s that, I hope you understand.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary (5/30)

Lots of punctuation errors—you have periods that are outside of quotation marks and commas and missing end quotes. All I have to say if, re-read your chapters—have someone else read it and correct it for you. I can’t go through all the errors you have because it would be 10 pages long.

Writing Style (1/10)

Because your punctuations were wrongly placed, your writing was not the best.

Point of view—I strongly despise seeing a writer change their point of views every 5 sentences! Either you stick to Angela’s point of view or go completely third point omniscient, which means you write with no one’s point of view and you’re able to write how each character feels rather than one!

Also, if you’re going to make the characters think, do not use asterisks! This isn’t twitter where you’re able to use it, this is a fanfiction where asterisks are not allowed! You don’t use it to show what one is thinking about—you write what they’re thinking about in italics and then following behind should say,  he thought. I’ll show you an example:

I’m so hungry,Yoseob thought.

Simple enough?

Overall Enjoyment (1/10)

To be honest, I was actually anticipating on reviewing this fanfic but the minute my eyes lay on the description, my anticipation went down the drain. Confusing plot along with a bad choice of writing style—all I can say is, you need to think thoroughly about a story before actually posting it up.

The most recent update—I don’t understand what’s happening; why is suddenly a bunch of idols popping up? Where did they come from? It makes no sense! Good luck with your future chapters!

Total – 29/100

Reviewer: vangbby