Circle of Life

Title (2/5)

I didn’t like the title very much and I don’t like when author’s use the title that’s already been used for a
song, book, poem, or movie. You need to be creative and come up with something that you thought of.
I know that it fits the story, but when I think Circle of Life I think of The Lion King and happiness, but
yours wasn’t very happy and so the title was a bit off.

Poster/Background/Trailer (0/10)

The poster was absolutely ridiculous and I don’t see how it fit the story. Not to mention that it was rather
ugly and not something I’d want to look at. You could have thought of something that matched the story
better, like using pictures of the characters in a circle or something.

Description & Foreword (0/10)

The description, like you mentioned, was completely boring and pointless and I don’t know why you
would even write it. The foreword doesn’t even match the story at all. Love? I couldn’t find a hint of love
in this one-shot.

And by the way, take down your advertising. This isn’t an advertising site and if we want to read your
other stories then we’d go look on your page. It’s so obnoxious to read ‘shameless advertising’.

Plot (3/10)

The plot didn’t interest me at all. I know you wanted to show the boring and depressive side, but it wasn’t
even like that. To me all I saw were blank words that just repeated. You could have done so much more
with the plot but you just made it completely boring.

Originality (10/10)

Haven’t seen a story like this, I’ll give you that.

Flow (3/5)

I think you should have slowed down a bit and given us more description and details to the story. You
basically only wrote that Jenny lived a controlled life and was always hungry and ended up bowing down
to her parent’s will. Give us more examples of that.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary (18/30)

Jenny was born with a shrieking cry as she was assaulted with flashing cameras and
reporters.

The infant was born with a piercing cry as she was blinded with flashing cameras of the
reporters.

Although her eyes were to underdeveloped to truly see…

Although her eyes were too underdeveloped to see…

"What are you going to name her?" a foreign person called,shoving a hard substance next
to her sensitive skin.

“What are you going to name her?” A foreign voice asked as a hard substance was shoved next
to her sensitive skin.

For the first time, Jenny was able to hear her father's voice, which answered the reporters
question"Jenny, her name is Jenny Kim "

For the first time, she was able to hear her father’s voice, which answered the reporter’s question
in a proud voice.

“Jenny, her name is Kim Jenny.”

At home, 7 month old Jenny cried in hunger.

At home, seven month old Jenny cried in hunger.

"Shhhh, Jenny," her mother whispered,picking her up from her designer crib."If you eat,
you'll get fat when you grow up. And we can't have you fat if you want to look beautiful."

“Shhh,” Her mother whispered, picking her daughter up from her crib. “Jenny, if you eat then you’ll grow
up to be fat, and you can’t be beautiful if you’re fat.”

"What concept are you going for?" a man wearing a blinding yellow vest asked her parents.

“What concept are you going for?” A man asked her parents; he was wearing a blinding yellow vest.

They frowned before scrutinizing her," It is her first birthday. We want a big poster on the
photo book we are giving out. Cute image is the safest, right? We are still deciding whether
she would be an actor, singer, entertainer, or announcer."

They frowned while the observed Jenny with scrutinizing looks.

“It’s her first birthday; we want a big poster on the photobook that we’re giving out. Cute is the safest
image, right? We’re still deciding what type of entertainer she’s going to be,” Her father informed the
photographer.

You made a wise choice. You're baby is exquisite," the photographer answered before barking orders
at his lackeys

“That’s a wise choice; you baby is very exquisite,” The photographer replied before barking orders to his
lackeys.

"Mommy?" 6 year old Jenny asked slowly as she watched her mother dress herself.

“Mommy? Six year old Jenny asked, watching her mother dress herself.

Yes?" her mother asked as she flurried across her room.

“Yes?” Her mother replied, flurrying across the room.

Writing Style (6/10)

You are an okay write but your style lacks quite a bit. You need to give description and details instead of
just writing sentence after sentence. Give us more about Jenny and her parents, show us her relationship
with Jaejoong, what about her kids? There’s nothing to do this story but words.

Overall Enjoyment (2/10)

While it was a little interesting, I did not like it because it was so boring.

Total Score: 44/100%

reviewed by: peacelovehugs