Distance Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

Title (1/5)
The title is pretty nice; I just don’t really see how it relates to your oneshot. To me, the title sounds more of a heartbreaking title than about one’s lover gone in the army. I think you should have chosen a different title because titles pretty much sums up what your story/oneshot will be about.

Poster & Background & Trailer (1/10)
Since no background or trailer was present, I won’t take points off of that. Um, I don’t know if I can call what you have a poster because… well I just don’t know. I don’t have much to say but… well nothing.

Description & Foreword (2/10)
Okay, I’m not exactly sure if you understood the whole point of a description and a foreword. On the description, readers don’t need to know who the main characters are because… you’ve already listed the character’s name in the ‘Characters’ section. So why did you decide to write it there too? Your description should have contained a short—teasing—summary of your oneshot. Not your character’s name, or information.

The foreword—I’ve seen this so many times in so many stories. Forewords should NOT contain your author’s note only. They should contain a short, small excerpt of your story/oneshot or a quote that is relevant to your story/oneshot. I really dislike reading a foreword with the author’s note because that’s not what a foreword means.

Plot (3/10)
The plot was pretty interesting but not enough to fully capture my attention. All I got from the oneshot was about Key missing Jjong because he’s out fighting in a war. Two months later and Jjong is released from the army; Key and Jjong are able to show their love in public because the DADT has been lifted.

I’m getting the idea that the setting takes place in the US? I’ve heard of this law before and was actually happy that the law was lifted, letting gays and lesbians be in the army. Then again, the way you wrote it, I wasn’t too interested.

Originality (10/10)
Definitely original—I don’t think I’ve read another fanfic, or oneshot, like this. Might be because I don’t read a lot of stories but, this one seems unique.

Flow (4/5)

The flow was going at a good pace—I just didn’t expect the oneshot to be that short.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary (23/30)

Alright, so, I think your grammar, spelling, punctuation and vocabulary were used very well—they were average. You didn’t have much mistakes or errors, so that was a relief. I just think that rather than writing ~An hour later~ you should actually write in the hour passing by. Like write something to make it seem like an hour has passed by. You need to be more descriptive in your writing because I find your writing intriguing. Work on writing paragraphs rather than writing 1-2 sentences. It would be a great benefit!

Writing Style (8/10)

Like I said above, your writing is pretty average. If you work on being more descriptive, and write longer paragraphs then your writing should soar.

Overall Enjoyment (3/10)

I’m not sure if I enjoyed this oneshot as much as I should. One reason could be because I’m not into SHINee, so I couldn’t really visualize the pairing you had in the oneshot. But that reason shouldn’t even exist. Why? Because I shouldn’t even have to care that the story/oneshot is about SHINee, rather, I should have been paying attention to the story itself.

Anyways, the oneshot was okay—not the best I’ve read but it was okay.

Total – 51/100

reviewer: vangbby