Be Mine

Title (3/5)

Not an eye-catching title but I do like it because it fits the story well. However, given the
plot of the story, you could have come up with something more witty and clever than
just ‘Be Mine’.

Poster/Background/Trailer (9/10)

Absolutely amazing. The poster is gorgeous and the background completely matches with it
nicely. The trailer is spot on perfect with the story, not a bunch of random clips put together
with a song. It’s really nicely done! However, that’s only for the front page. You really don’t
need a new poster for each chapter it distracts the reader from the story. Plus, they don’t
exactly match. Stick with one, not three.

Description & Foreword (5/10)

It doesn’t sound good, really.

“It had been 4 years since Minhye left. No news from her at all. No one knows where she
went.

Jinyoung was still searching for her and waiting for her to come back. He never gave up and
determined to win back her heart. He promised himself if he ever found Minhye again he will
appreciated her more and would never hurt her again.”

Try writing it like this:

“It’s been four years since Minhye left and there’s been no news from her at all; she’s
completely disappeared from the world and one knows where she went. Jinyoung is still
searching and waiting for her to come back, never once giving up. He promises himself that
when he finally finds Minhye that he will appreciate her more than ever and never hurt her
again, completely determined to win back her heart. “

And this:

She not the bubbly and easy to forgive people like she used to be

One day she came back….

But she had changed….

She became cold like the ice

But that’s not all…

She's ENGAGED

“One day, Minhye came back but she had changed. She wasn’t the bubbly person who

easily forgave people anymore, she turned cold as ice. But that’s not all…she’s engaged.”

You think that adding the “…” makes things mysterious and such, but it doesn’t look good.
Also, the color coding certain words, you don’t really need it. If you write it correctly, it
looks good without colored words.

Plot (6/10)

The plot was okay, but if I had found this story on my own, I probably wouldn’t have read
it. In the description you made it sound really mysterious, like there was a giant forbidden
secret but there wasn’t. Own up to what you write first, if you don’t then it’s not worth
reading.

Originality (7/10)

Although a girl choosing between two guys is beyond overused, this was a nice change in
pace. It wasn’t exactly like other stories so it wasn’t as painful to read. But, the plotline of a
love triangle is cliché.

Flow (5/5)

The flow was great in this story. You didn’t move too fast or too slow and you didn’t drag
things out.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary (18/30)

First off, do not use numbers. 20 and 4 need to be spelled out as twenty and four.

Your comma use is very lacking, you don’t have them at all. When you read a sentence out
loud you know when to pause, it’s just common sense. But when you read a sentence in
your mind, the comma is there to tell you when you need to pause and start again.

For example:

Minhye sat at the back of the café. Drinking her coffee and crossed her legs with a blank
expression. She had just come back from US 3 days ago. She went there to finish her study
and stay with her parents there along with her brother Minho.

“Minhye.” A voice called. Minhye looked up and a totally hot guy smiling down at her. She
just nodded and then looked back down. The guy sat in front of her.

“I’m sorry I’m late I got a meeting with the Jung Corp.” The guy said.

“What do you expect from the Kim Corp heir Kim Myungsoo? He’s the busiest man alive.”
Minhye casually said and sipped her coffee. Myungsoo (L) laughed. Minhye put back her
drink on the table and looked at L.

“Why do you want to meet me here?” Minhye asked coldly. L stopped laughing and looked
at her with a smiled.

“Oh… nothing… I just missed you.” L said. Minhye rolled her eyes.

“If you got nothing to say. I’m going.” Minhye said and about to stand up when L held her
wrist. “Wait wait…” Minhye looked down at him.

“Okay I’m sorry. I was just kidding. Please sit back down.” L pleaded. “Even though I really
missed you.” L thought to himself.

Minhye sat back down and looked out the window.

“My parents wanted to hold an engagement party to tell the whole staff and other company
that they cooperated about our engagement.” L said.

“We already engaged for 6 months but just now your parents want to do the engagement
party?” Minhye asked.

Minhye sat at the back of the café in a secluded area as she drank her coffee, her legs
crossed in a classy manner and a stoic expression on her face. It had been three days since
she’d returned from the United States, where she’d been busy finishing her studies. Minhye
had been living there with her parents and her older brother, Minho.

“Minhye,” A make voice called to her. Minhye looked up and saw a handsome, yet familiar,
face smiling at her. She nodded slightly and looked down at her hands as he sat down in
front of her. It was none other than Kim Myungsoo, her soon to be husband.

“I’m sorry that I’m late, I just got out of a meeting with Jung Corporation,” Myungsoo said
apologetically.

“What do you expect from the heir of Kim Corp.? You’re the busiest man alive, Myungsoo,”
Minhye said disinterestedly as she sipped her coffee. Myungsoo laughed as Minhye put her
tea cup back on the table.

“Did you actually need something or are you just here to waste my time?” Minhye said
coldly, causing Myungsoo to halt his laughter immediately. He sighed softly and looked at
his fiancé with soft eyes.

“No, I just missed you,” Myungsoo told her honestly.

“Then if you have nothing to say then I’ll be taking my leave,” Minhye said icily, standing up
from the table. Myungsoo quickly grabbed her wrist to keep Minhye from going any further.

“Okay, I’m sorry. I was just kidding, please sit back down,” He said hurriedly, not wanting
her to leave before he said what he needed to say. Minhye huffed in annoyance and took
her seat again, narrowing her eyes at Myungsoo.

“What?” She asked, crossing her arms to show her irritation.

“My parents want to hold an engagement party to tell the company that we’re getting
married,” Myungsoo informed her.

“We’ve been engaged for six months now but just now your parents want to have an
engagement party?” Minhye asked incredulously.

See how much better this sounds?

Another thing, you don’t need to use a million periods to show hesitation. If you do, don’t
use …….. only use three…it’s proper grammar using three. But remember, don’t use these in
place of commas because it looks really immature.

Spell out your words, don’t use acronyms like ‘US’, just write ‘United States’.

Also, just a personal thing, I don’t like one lettered names. ‘L’ is annoying to read in every
sentence, I would rather read the name Myungsoo.

The tenses that your verbs are in are not correct either.

Take the verb run.

Present: I’m running.

Past: I ran.

Future: I will have ran, I will run.

Now from your story:

“Should I rap instead of singing?” L asked.

Should be:

“Should I rap instead of sing?”

This:

“Myungsoo. I’m not that kind of girl who will go excited and jumping around…”

Should be:

Myungsoo, I’m not the kind of girl who will get excited and jump around…”

And another thing, I’m not sure how to word this so I’ll just fix it for you as an example.

"You want a date. So you got one... don't need to sing and everything. And what with these
balloons? I'm not a kid you know." Minhye said and looked at the balloons with different
colours in her hand.

“You wanted a date, now you’ve got one. You don’t need to sing or anything. And what’s
with these balloons? I’m not a kid, you know,” Minhye said, looking at the differently
colored balloons in her hand.

You have to write differently colored balloons, not balloons with different colors. If you write
it like that then you are implying that the balloons own different colors.

Remember, brand named items, places, people, etc, need to be capitalized.

hello kitty

Hello Kitty

Understand?

Writing Style (5/10)

Your writing style lacks a lot and needs a lot of work. You write everything a person does in
separate sentences and it sounds really bad, not something people like to read.

Take this for example:

Jinyoung was just finished his meeting with the Kim Corp. He went to the lift and went
inside. He went down to the ground floor and walked out from the big building to his car. He
went inside his car and started the engine. He drove back to his office. He stopped at the
traffic light. But something or to be precise someone caught his eyes.

He looked at the girl intently. He can’t take his eyes off of her. She was crossing the streets
in front of him. Even though she wore a shades but he can still recognized her.

“Minhye…” He whispered to himself. He watched her crossed the street without even
thinking to catch her. He was too shocked to do anything. He thought to himself is he
dreaming?

It should be written like this:

After the meeting with Kim Corp. was finished, Jinyoung left the building and headed out to
his car. He started the engine and drove out of the parking lot in the direction of his office.
He drove in silence for several minutes, not a single thought occupying his mind. As he
stopped his car at a red light he glanced out the window, and that’s when he saw her.

Strolling across the street in front of the cars was a pretty girl. Although she was wearing
dark shades that covered her face, Jinyoung felt a sense of recognition.

“Minhye?” He whispered to himself in shock. He couldn’t take his eyes off the girl as she
stepped onto the sidewalk and strolled out of sight. Jinyoung blinked a few times and then
shook his head. Am I dreaming, or was that Minhye?

See? You don’t need to say everything that he does, no one cares that he walks onto a lift

and downstairs and then starts his car and then drives away. It takes away from the story
and it’s completely useless.

I would advise you to find a sentence structure website and read over some of the
information, because the way you write sentences is about the level of a seven year old
child. Each sentence needs a subject and a cause, a verb, nouns, etc.

And do not make every chapter a different colored font. Keep it one color; most people
prefer black.

Overall Enjoyment (1/10)

Didn’t enjoy it at all, personally. It didn’t catch my interest or anything, but it’s mostly
because the writing style and grammar was so bad.

Total Score: 59/100%

reviewed by: peacelovehugs